10 Miler

Well I signed up for the Army 10 miler this week. I have joined an e-mail support group called the Gold Star Wives. There is a group of them who run the 10 miler in honor of their husbands. I decided that I would join them and run in honor of Joel and all the others that have given their lives for our country. I am excited about it, but also nervous. I wanted to train for a marathon when JOel got home and I wanted him to help me train for it, he was a great runner, but would never have run a marathon just to run it, his knees and ankles were a little messed up from 15 years of running and jumping out of airplanes. I will be 11 months and 2 days out on the day of the run, that seems nearly impossible to be there. I cannot beleive that it will be 6 months next Saturday. Unreal and unbeleivable. I cannot beleive it, but at the same time it is proof that we are going to make it, that we are going to survive this process. I am hoping to get some friends to run in the run with me, in honor of Joel and also in honor of those that have died for our country. It would be awesometo have the support of friends and family that day and even some running with me(or infront of me).

Not quite sure

Have you ever had that feeling where someone is there? You know someone is sitting there watching you, on the couch, in the car...everywhere? Even though you know you are alone in the house or in the car, you turn and you catch a glance of something, only that something is not there? That has happened to me almost all day today and mostly this week. It is so strange, I don't know what to make of it. TOday I was in the car and I turned to look behind me quickly and as I did, I saw this shadow of someonein the back seat(I am driving and I knew there was not anyone in the car with me), so I paniced for a moment, looked again and there was not anything there. Then later I was driving down the highway, on my way home and in the treeline I could see this figure running, as fast as I was driving(yes mom my lead foot was kicking in) and I felt in my hear it had to be JOel. It was so strange. Then again today, walking all over the house I could see these shadows or images...of course on second inspection they were not there. I feel absolutely crazy even thinking these images could be JOel with me, or even writing this down, but it was so strange. I have been feeling a little out of sorts knowing that I am moving and leaving the house, maybe this is his way of telling me he is always with me no matter where I am. I don't know....I still feel crazy even thinkng and admitting this, but what else could these strange feelings and sightings be? I should feel at ease that he is with me....but it is so strange to have these feelings and not know what they are. At times I did feel at ease, at times I knew it was him, but other times(maybe because it happened so darn much), I don't think I was trusting myself anymore and what I was thinking I was seeing. Man, do I sound like a nut! I promise I am not loosing it, just having a darn day!

Procrastinating

Ok, I started cleaning up the girls toy room, but a song came on my IPOD, Arlington by Trace Adkins. At first I thought I could make it, I thought I could sing along and keep going. I did ok at first but then I had to go out and get another storage container and I lost it. I did not mean to, but I turned around for some strange reason and there I am staring at Joel's Flag Box, his picture and the statue of Jesus and a soldier hugging. I literally fell to the ground, landed on Max and just hugged him, the darn dog, but I tell you what......he sat there, did not move, put his paw on my arm gently and licked my arm, once. He stayed with me the whole time I sat there and cried. I guess I am not ready for that song to play and just play. Maybe I will never be able to hear that song and not cry. It just has so much meaning to me, it always will.

Wedding Garter

I had to write this down, for me to remember later, for my girls. Today I was cleaning out my closet, trying to get stuff ready for the move. I came across a box of Joel's "special things". I have gone through this box once. It was his, so I did not thumb through it unless he wanted to show me something. In September I decided to put a scrap book together of these things for him. I flipped through the box, for the most part, but I never got all the way through it. I put the stuff away, worked on it a little bit, but never got it done. After Joel passed, I put it away in my closet, forgetting where I put it. I read one or two letters out of it, but never looking through all of it. I finally decided today to move the items from the shoe box to a storage container until I can the courage and strength to put it into a book for the girls. I dumped the contents into a storage container and on the bottom of the box, folded nicely and into a triangle was my garter belt from our wedding day. I did not know he had it, I did not know it was in there. I think I would have seen it poking through the first time I pawed through the box, but I did not. I guess I was not meant to. Seeing it today,.....hmmm....it was....so hard. I did not know he had kept it, I did not know he had taken it out of my wedding stuff(I had it with my gloves, handkerchief and veil). Maybe I was meant to see this, maybe I was meant to find it and know that he was thinking of me and our wedding day. Even if that is not the reason, I still thought of it, I thought of the DJ making Joel pull it off of my leg with his teeth. It was so funny, he was embarrassed, but I know he wanted to do it. I thought of finding it and knowing that Joel would like it, I thought of putting it on that day, over my "frilly" nylons and thinking, "damn this is irritating, it better be worth the hoots and hollars and looks from my husband". It was. Although this is a hard day today, like many others, there was still a silver lining, memories, good ones. Even though they make me sad, they are good ones and in the end, I do end up smiliing a little just thinking of him and the memories we made.

The House

Well, I did it, I made the decision and I will be closing and hopefully moving into our new home on June 1st. It seems to be so far away, yet I know that in the next few weeks, it will just be on me before I know it. The girls are excited about the new house and are ready to move. We saw a lot of little children in the subdivision, so that will be good and FAith will be a mile away from her "good" friend from school. She cannot wait to live "by" Sarah. The girls are also excited about the new "play set" we will get once we move in. The house does not have one right now, so the girls will get one new toy upon our move. They have been asking for one for a few weeks now and I think it may be because the old one has so many memories for them. After we moved here, Joel and I moved an old playset from our neighbors over here to our house and added it to ours. It was awesome and the girls loved it and they have a lot of memories of Papa playing with them and they truly avoid it a lot right now. They don't like to play on it to much and I think it just may be hard for them, just as so many things around this house are hard for me. I am excited about the new house, but I am also so sad, I need to leave, but I don't want to leave him. My fear is, what he comes here to find us and we are gone, what if he walks through the door and it is not his family. I know that will not happen, I know he is dead......I guess as crazy as I may sound, I still expect him to show up...I still expect him to walk through that door any moment. I know he won't, but.....I know his spirit will always be with us and he will know where we are...but.....this is the last home we shared, this is the last place we laughed, cried, hugged, argued, loved, and lived. THis is the home where we worked so hard to make it our home, worked so hard on our relationship and our life together, the home that I called our "happy" home. The home that meant so much to both of us because we loved it and we lived in it hard. I was told today by someone that "you should try not to get to connected to one place for just that reason, it was only a home and he is not there, so it is just a thing, it should not be so hard for you to leave." I was pissed off. I was so mad I wanted to hang up the phone on this person and tell them to go to hell. Who are they to tell me that it should not be hard to leave it, it is only a thing(or whatever they said). I tried to tell them that this home is the last place we lived, the place we worked so hard on everything and really learned and lived in this home, rediscovered our love for eachother in this home. This is the last place he came home to in July. The place he was supposed to come home to in January. I don't think that this person realized how special this home was to Joel and I, how hard it is to leave a place that they were supposed to come home to. The memories that are here... I know it is only a thing and I know I will have my memories forever, but damnit..... On one side, it is so hard to be here, so hard to focus and concentrate, to keep it clean. On the other side, it is so hard to let it go, so hard to leave it for the reasons I mentioned before. However, for my girls, for my sanity and for our happiness I know I need to. When I told some of the family that we were selling the house, they thought I was going to come home, that we would move back and I told them, "no, we cannot leave GA yet, but in time I will know the full answer, I just know right now I need to leave homes, not the state". I know they want us to be near them, so they can help, so we can all heal, but I just cannot bear to leave yet. The girls are still as fragile as little eggs and I am still not completly stable yet, not enough for a long move. I have not accomplished all I need to yet. I know in time I will know what I need to do, but until then......I just feel bad that I am not satisfying their needs to, almost a little guilty I guess. I just don't want to hurt anyone by not coming home. I hope they understand that staying here has made me stronger, has made me face the days, even the ones where I don't want to.

Making a move

Well, in one hour I am going to make an offer on a new home. I know I need to do this, I know I need to start fresh for the girls and I. I pray that I am doing the right thing, I pray that I get this house and it helps us all to start fresh. I know that we all need this, but it wil be so hard to leave this home, the home I shared with Joel, the home that I lived, loved and laughed with him. The home we made our own with a lot of love, time and attention. We made it te place we loved to be and now I cannot stand to be here. In one hour I will make an offer and hopefully soon I will find out if I get it. Oh I pray it works and I pray that this helps us all.

Tough times

The last few days have been very difficult. I realized that in the last few days I have been spending loads of time and energy running away from our home. It is so difficult for me to be in the house, I cannot bear to go into the office anymore, I keep the doors shut and spend maybe a total of 10 or 15 minutes a week in that room. I finally came to a decision, I need to move. I have to, this is starting to affect my girls and I cannot stand for that. I need to do what is best for them. It is going to be so damn hard selling this house, it is going to be one of the toughest things I will have to do in this process. Part of me wants to keep it, but I just know I cannot bear owning it and know that someone is renting it from me and get pissed off when or if I know they have done something I don't like. So, I am making the hard decision of moving. I am looking for a home, here in Columbus, but I am so confused right now. Am I doing the right thing? I am not sure. I have started going through the stuff in the garage. I have spent maybe a total of 10 awake hours in this house in the last week, I am either gone, outside or in the garage. I started cleaning the garage today, getting ready for a move and I came across Joel's footlockers. Damn it, damn it......it was so hard, going through all the letters, the pictures, the medals.....augh....the uniforms.....things he will never touch again. It has been so damn hard, I am spent, but I still have so much to do, so much to work on. Why....why him....why us.....why, why, why. I know I will not ever have that answer, not until the time is right. I am facing a lot of thing right now that I don't think I let myself face in the begining, I just went through his footlockers real quick when they got here and put them away, now I am going through it, thoroughly and it is so f***ing hard, so painful. I knwo I have to do it, I won't let anyone else do it......I hurt so bad right now, I just wish the pain would go away. Emotional pain is so much worse that physical pain, this pain cannot go away with a pill or a shot.....still, I wish it would be disipitate some.

What do I do?

Brenna, oh my baby. I do not know what to do. Again she today she told me she wants to "get dead" so she can be with papa. She told me she was scared because there are monsters in heaven(where she heard that I have no idea,she said papa told her....). I told her there are not monsters in heaven, only good people, Jesus and God. I told her that I did not want her to be dead because she makes me strong, she has a long life and she has a lot to show mama and her papa angel what she can do because he can see her everyday and what she does. I don't know what to do. I don't know if I need to spend one on one time with her everyday or a few times a week or if I need to take her back to counseling, or if I need to just back off and not push. I am so scared because I do not want to do the wrong thing. I do not know what to do, I am at a loss. I cannot stand to hear her say that again, I cannot take it, my heart breaks every single time she says it. I love these girls so much, I can't stand to see them in pain and I know Joel could not either. I need advice.

Saturday

Saturday, a difficult day for all of us. We started out the day cleaning up, talking to my mom, getting things done. We all went outside to finish up the garden and get a few things done before our strawberry picking date with our neighbor and adopted "grandparents". We were outside, working our tails off and were ready to plant the flowers, just making final decisions on where to put everything. I guess I was not letting Bren make enough decisions, or something, I am still not sure what happened, but she sat there, picking up and moving everything we sat out. I got a little perturbed and scolded her and she started to scream and tell me, "but I want them here." So I sat down and asked her what was wrong, why was she acting this way. She said, "I miss my papa and I want to be dead too." My heart stopped and I thought I was going to choke. I could not beleive my baby said that, that she even thought that. I talked to her, I listened, I tried to understand.....she told me she misses papa and wants to be "dead too so she can go to heaven and get papa". I wanted to scream, but I tried to tell her again why papa was dead, why he can't come home and that when people go to heaven it is because they have stopped breathing, they can't move and they can't eat. I did not know how else to explain it. I did not knwo what else to do. I finally said, Bren papa want's us to live a happy life and he wants us to be strong and brave, he wants to watch us live our life here, he is always with us. Then I told her she was a strong and brave little girl and I was so proud of her for telling me this. I gave her a little more attention after that, trying to keep her involved and active, keeping her mind off of everything. Then we decided to write cards and send them to papa, I told the girls that before we send the balloons up to heaven with our cards, we would all say somethig to papa. So Faith said, "papa I love you and I miss you, I hope you love the card". Brenna said, "papa I want you and I love you, take care of us". My babies, they are so strong and brave, I am so proud of them. I cannot beleive how they perservere. I sent my card up and the girls listened intently to what I said and both hugged me afterwards. It was a very hard, but very good day, we went through a lot of emotions that I was not expecting. I love these girls so much, they get me through the hardest days, which ironically sometimes are brought on by them, their actions or behaviors and how I know that if this was not happeniing they would not be acting those ways. As hard as yesterday was, I am glad that it happened that way, I am glad that we went through those things, in the end, I think it will make us stronger, I think it will help me to understand better. I pray it does.

Flower Garden

Today I got a wild hair and decided to build a flower garden between two trees in my front yard. So I had a friend with a truck go to Walmart with us, get the pavers and 60 bags of soil I was going to need to make this flower bed. Then Faith and I picked out flowers, flowers that she thought Papa would have loved, flowers that I knew he had liked a lot that I had planted in the past. It was a lot of fun and there was a lot of love in it. She did a wonderful job. Then I found this little resin statue of a little girl on a trike, I had to get it, it reminded me of Faith and Bren on their red flyer tryke that Joel bought for the girls for christmas the year before he left for Iraq, he put it together and loved watching them ride it. Faith saw it and loved it, so we had to get it. Then as I was checking out, I saw this cherub angel and I immediatly thought of Joel when I saw it, so I decided to get it and surprise FAith with it, wanting to see her reaction. She saw it, and said, "mama, that is a beautiful angel, just like Papa." She loved it and held it the whole way home. It will now sit in the garden with a "special" flower right in the front of it, one she picked out just for her papa. I picked Bren up from school, knowing that I would have to get a few more flowers for one other bed, so we went and I let Bren pick out some flowers. She picked some flowers out and I said, "brenna, your papa would have loved these, mama used to plant those a lot and he loved them." She said, "ok mama" and picked out another flower and my response was, "mama loves these, but papa thought they looked like weeds." She got really quiet and did not say anything, just stood there staring at the flowers. I knelt down and asked her what was wrong and she said, "I miss my papa and I want him home, that is why I am worried about him". I said, honey it will be ok, I miss him a lot too and that is why I want to do this flower garden for him, I miss him and know he would love the flowers. I told her that papa would love any flowers that she picked out because it was something she loved and that was the truth, it did not matter if it was the ugliest plant out there, Joel would have loved it because of the love that was in the decision. So we finished picking out our flowers, paid for them and came home. Bren saw the cherub and she was so excited, she said, "mama it is our papa angel garden, it so cool". I know this will be a good thing, this will be a healing, healthy thing for the girls and I. We are doing it together and that is what is sooooo important right now, what means the most. We will find ways through it and maybe this wild hair was not so wild, maybe this is just what we needed right now to heal, just what we needed to do as a "family". I will post pictures when we are done and show everyone our "papa angel garden". I am so proud of my girls, they are two beautiful strong little girls. They amaze me.

I have been sitting here tonight, contemplating what I am supposed to do for our anniversary on the 15th of May. I know that it is still a month away and I still have some time until I am supposed to go up to DC for te award ceremony, but.......I cannot figure out what it is you do to "celebrate" what would have been 7 years of marriage, "through sickness and health, good times and bad". How do you acknowledge that day, what do you do. I know that I want to be at Arlington on that day. I know that I want to take flowers and be with him. I know I am going to sit there as long as I need to, but......Part of me wants to bring up a bottle of wine because I know we would have had a glass or two, so maybe I will take a small bottle and give him a "glass" of wine. I just don't know. It seems strange to be even contemplating this right now, to even be considering this because if all had gone "as planned" he would be home for this, we would be either having a good time or having one of "discussions" which I miss so very much right now, as much as I hated it then, I miss it. Sometimes it is still hard to beleive that he is not ever coming home, that he will not ever be here agian. I miss that man so very much, more than many probably know or can even begin to understand. My heart aches, my brain is numb, my whole body hurts, my arms long to hold him. I wish I had been given one more day with him, I wish I had one more conversation, one more video that I sent him. One more of anything, but then again, if that had happened, I probably would still be wanting that "one" more. Most of all, I wish my girls had been given that "one more day", that one last phone call. My babies and what they are missing.

The Wedding

I remember our wedding like it was yesteday, I can remember the events that happened before and after, clear as day. Joel and moved in together on May 1st into a little apartment that he searched and searched for, it had to be "just right" and safe. It was too. 72nd Place Apartments, safe, hidden and convienent. We moved in, set up our little home, bed, lamps, desk and computer. That was it at first, then Joel went out one day and bought a table and chairs and a couch. He did all of this on his own, he did a great job and I was so proud of him. We had a nice little set up and it all worked well for us. Then on on May 7th, I think, he graduated from UNO, that was the start of our "wedding" events. The following week we had our bachelor/bachelorette party, it was great and a lot of fun, but not as fun as my bachelorette party my great friends threw for me, that was fun. Ending in me getting a bar full of men signing "you've lost that loving feeling to me", it was a lot of fun. Boy did I have a headache the next day though! Then on May 14th in the morning Joel and his ROTC class had their commissioning at CU, he was now officially a 2nd LT. Yeah, he had moved out of the ranks of E6, I was so very proud of him and elated for him. Then that evening we had our rehearsal and the dinner. The rehearsal was wonderful, it was a nice evening, it was fun and relaxing. I have so many pictures from that night. Then we went to this old mansion in Omaha that does a lot of wedding's and receptions and rehearsal dinners, I wish I could remember the name of that place....It was so beatiful and elegant. May 15th, we woke up to rain....rain! All day long! Joel and I had gone to bed that night, after a very long, very tiring day and we said, "I hope it does not rain tomorrow". Joel was beside himself, he was so stressed out. He spent all morning with my dad making sure that the tent got set up outside on the parade grounds(we were married outside) and helping set up chairs and making final arrangements. It was pretty funny. I remember, he was so stressed out and his stomach was such a mess we had to send my mom out for some Zantac to calm his stomach and reflux. It was even more funny. The rain finally cleared up and we had a wonderful, overcast and warm evening wedding. It was wonderful. I could not keep my eyes off of that man, he looked so good in his uniform and he was so proud too. It was a wonderful night. The reception went well, and we both had a lot of fun. Neither one of drank a whole lot, but I sure felt "the buzz" like I had because I was on top of the world having married him. I was elated. I remember dancing with him, I remember my friend K., my maid of honor, giving her toast and telling Joel to put his hand on mine because this is the last time he would have the upper hand. It was pretty funny, but how true. I remember our friend D. giving his toast about how he was responsible for this. It was pretty hysterical too. Joel and I had a wonderful night that night. We took a picture with a group of our friends from ROTC, D,P,G,J. It was a great picture and ironically those four men were photographed knealing in front of Joel's casket, praying and one of them was touching the casket, I am so greatful to have those two sets of photo's. WE were surrounded by friends, family and a lot of love, it was a wonderful day. I miss him so much. I miss his smile, his laugh, his inability to dance, his sense of humor, the way he held me, kissed me, hugged me. I miss all of it terribly. Most of all.....I miss his voice, angry, happy, sad...whatever tone, I miss it. How I love that man, how I miss him.

It is almost 11pm and I am still awake, not sure why, I am exhausted, ready to sleep, but wide awake. Thinking of Joel, thinking of our future, what I need to do for the girls.....so many thoughts, but not enough answers. I keep remembering things that Joel and I wanted to do, things that we said we would do with the girls and for the girls. I still want to do those things, I still want to carry out all of these things for them, for Joel and for me, but I am not sure how to do it now, without Joel. I think about the girls future, I want to provide for them, everything, emotionally, physically, financially, and mentally but how do I do that when I am missing him so much, when I am in this place where I miss him so much that it is all I can think about. I know I will and can, but........ I think about my future and I wonder if I will ever be able to go back to nursing, if I will ever be able to look a patient in the eye and tell them "it will be ok" when I am not so sure of that myself. Whereas before, I could do that and beleive it myself. I think about my future and wonder, will we be ok? Will I be able to give myself and my children all that they need. Will I be able to answer their questions daily and not cry? Will I be albe to talk to them about Joel and not get emotional? When will this happen? When will we all understand all that has happened to us? What does the future hold for us? Somedays I wish there was a fastforward button and I could skip the things I "don't like" or just move forward to a few years from now, but I know that is not possible and I know that this will not "teach" us the things we need to learn from this process. I know God will take care of us and I know God will provide me with the answers that I need and desire, but somedays I do not feel patient enough, not strong enough. I know I will survive and I know we will be ok, but I just question it, a lot and I do not know how to stop that right now. I wish I could "get it" I wish I had the answers that I want. Maybe I will get it soon........

"I think you are brave"

Tonight, after stories, I promised the girls that I would rock them each in the rocking chair, this is a special treat becuase normally I rock them both at the same time. I was rocking Brenna and I started to get a little sad, she was looking at me with this goofy smile and crazy eyes and I know Joel would have just laughed and laughed at this look. It just made me sad. Brenna was looking at me and asked why I was sad, I said I am missing papa. She said, "you are not crying?" I said no, I am not, just sad. She said, "mama, I think you are brave." For a brief moment I thought, ah...this is it, this is what it feels to feel as though I doing right for my girls and showing them how to be a brave a woman. Then Brenna followed he statement by multiple comments of why I am not brave. All funny too. Kids, they are what keep us going, keep us strong and keep us moving. These girls keep me going daily, how I love them.

Forced to Contemplate

The last three days I have been sick, allergies, cough, cold, achy....the crud I guess. I am finally feeling better today, able to keep my eyes open for longer than 30 minutes at a time. Being sick these last few days really forced me to contemplate on a lot of things. I guess I did not force myself, but lying there, trying to rest, your mind just wanders and I think I probably had some of the "clearest" thoughts in a long time. One conclusion that I came to was one that I have been searching for. When Joel passed, I thought that I was going to go right home, to move back and seek help, love and support. Shortly after getting home, I realized that I could not do this, that I could not take my girls away from their home, the only one they have known. That satisfied me for a little while, but not enough. I wanted to know what it was that was driving me to stay here. I finally figured it out, I finally realized what it was. I realized that going home would give me an out, a way to let others help me and just curl up in bed and disappear, to let the time just wash over me and not face anything, anyone or the pain. This would have been wonderful, to escape the pain, frustration and anxiety. However, I realized that by staying here, I have given myself a "no option" lifestyle right now. A time that I need to get up out of bed every morning, face my babies and face their questions and pain. To help them understand, along with myself the why's, how's and the "what are we going to do about it" . I am now understanding that this is the only answer for me, and the only way that will help me to heal along with my girls. I realize how easy it is for me to just lay down and not face the music, I could do it in a heartbeat, but I also know how hard the other way is and I guess I am always up for a challenge. I am always up for doing everything to my best ability, be it the easy way or the hard way, usually chosing the hard way. I am not saying that what I am doing is the hardest way, I feel that it is the best way for me and my children, it is the only way for me to survive, it is the best way for my children I feel. They see mommy surviving and when they get older and can understand, they will know that they are survivors too. They will know how strong they can be. I finally feel good about my choices and decisions, I finally feel as though I understand more than I have in a very long time.

I am not really sure what I am thinking or feeling righ now. I know how much I miss Joel, I know that tomorrow is the 5 month mark, I know how much my girls are missing him. I know I want him here, that my life would be so very different right now if he was, that my girls would be experiencing so many different things if he were still alive. I watch so many people, whole families and I get jealous, wishing we still had that. I see neighbors, friends, past co-workers, and fellow military members and I find myself wanting to walk away from them, to turn and run. For the most part, my friends are military or have been.....it is so hard sometimes to be around them, to see them....I find myself avoiding them sometimes, just to avoid pain and not wanting to get angry at anyone. I feel bad avoiding many of these people, I don't want to, I want to talk to them, be with them, retain the friendship, but it is so hard, I just don't know how to do it and preserve my sanity, my "balance". I guess maybe these same feelings is the reason why I have not moved home yet, wanting to avoid seeing the rest of my family members who still have their spouses, wanting to avoid those "whole" families because it makes me hurt so much. How unfair is that of me, how damn selfish?!! I feel bad admitting that, but I know that it is also good that I have admitted that. I want to be near everyone, but I also find it hard to be around everyone, to be with all the family and watch the kids play and remember the last time I had been home(before Joel passed) and getting a call from him and spending 20 minutes telling him how the gils loved being with their cousins and how much he laughed about the thins I told him. Remembering how much he loved to see the girls interacting with his all of our nieces and nephews. It is all so hard and I am not sure if anyone can understand that...I feel kind of alone when it comes to that. I feel as though some may think I am avoiding them for other reasons....they cannot see what the underlying reason is, they cannot understand how hard it is sometimes, how heart breaking it is for me and how I have to explain some of these things to the girls....for example, a conversation I had with Faith, "Mama, why did her papa come home from Iraq?" "It was time for all of the soldiers to come home." "Why did papa not come home?" "He died, remember? He is in heaven now." "I know, but why didn't ## go to heaven with papa." "Because he was able to stay safe from the bad guys in Iraq, because God did not call him home yet." I don't know if anyone can understand that unless they have been there, understand how hard it is to stay sane, keep your kids with their "normal" routine and friends and still try to face these things that now affect you in a way that you never thought would affect you. See people you never thought would create these emotions in you that they do. I know this is all crazy stuff that will disipitate in the end. I just hope I have not avoided to many people that cost me friendships, I just hope that I can continue to find the way to help my girls understand this process, why papa is not home and why their friends daddies are here. I pray that this all works out in the end, that all of this becomes clear to me, sooner rather than later.

Meeting Joel

Today I have thought a lot about when I first met Joel, which seems a little odd to me since today marks the fifth month(for sundays, will be one the 6th). I met Joel in 1997 on the first day of my sophmore year at Creighton U(or the day before, not sure). I remember meeting him, along with the new freshmen in ROTC and I remember thinking about Joel, "oh boy, here we go, another prior service guy" not giving him another thought. Then on that same day, my older brother(youngest of the two) passed away. I was not interested in anyone after that. I remember one month to the day after Brads death, I had to go to an FTX, I tried my best to get out of the damn thing, but my PMS would not let that happen. I had to go, but was given time to study, I was having a hard time studying, so yippee, I get to study on an FTX! I remember being so angry that I was out there, not ready to do that, nor was I ready to have a test the following monday. I was out at the site, drew my weapon and fell into formation. I am standing in formation, waiting for everyone else, and I have the barrel of my weapon, pointed down, into the dirt. Yes, I knew better than that, but I did not care. So I am standing there, just burying the barrel into the dirt(or mud), and Joel's friend, Mike, taps me on the shoulder and says, "I would not do that if I were you". I just kept doing it, Joel comes up to me(he was in charge of the formation, of course) and says, "you don't want to keep doing that, it is going to be a pain in the ass cleaning it". I just start digging it into the ground even more. Joel takes the rifle out of my hand and turns it over and says, "don't do it again, you'll make a mess". I just glared at him and decided then that I did not like him. According to Joel, he told his friend Matt a few months later that this is the girl she is going to marry. Through out that whole year Joel would call occasionally and ask if I would want to go out with him, P, D, G, P and J. I would always turn him down, it was after I had turned 21, but none of my friends were old enough to go out to the bars. I knew why he was calling, but I just did not bite then. The next year, September 4th I think, I went to Joel's and P's house for a birthday party for a friend. It was all down hill after that. I remember falling for him before I even knew what hit, even then he swore he knew he was going to marry me, he just never told me until christmas time. I had went home for christmas, it was a quick trip and I decided very quickly that I wanted to go back to Omaha and be with Joel. I get back, we were driving out to his parent's house for a movie night and we were talking about my trip and I told him want my aunt asked me, she said, "so when is there going to be a ring?" I laughed and said, I don't know. I told Joel this and he said, "you won't marry me." I said, "how do you know? you never asked." So he said, "well....will you???" That was it, a few months after we started dating, we were engaged and we were so happy and now to think about, we laughed about it a lot in our 6 1/2 years of marriage. We were married 9 months after we started dating, we were married. I remember tellin Joel's mom, we were at the airport with them, dropping off a friend and Joel and I decided that we were going to tell them then, so we approached Barb, at the airport, and said, "Barb, we have something to tell you." She says to us, "your pregnant." We were shocked, but we laughed and said, "no, not yet, but we are going to get married." Barb felt bad about saying that, but it was funny and still is now. I am glad to have these memories and I don't think it could have happened better. It was quick, but that was how we did everything, we had a plan, always, but it was always sped up and went fast. We were always having fun though. Darn it, I miss him so much. I know we would be laugh and looking at eachother right now, knowing that we did everything "just right."

Afghanistan

The last few days I have been remembering the time that Joel left for Afghanistan and how it affected us. Bren was born on the 26th, by planned induction so that Joel could be home for her birth. I was induced on the 25th, 3 weeks before her due date and she finally arrived at 749pm on the 26th. I pushed to get out of the hospital as soon as possible so that we could have at least one day at home as a family before Joel left for Afghanistan. We came home on Saturday adn Joel left on Sunday. I have some wonderful memories of that day, even though it was hard to have him leave so soon after the birth, we had a wonderful day together. I had braced myself for weeks of no communication, but fortunatly I got to talk to Joel almost daily. One thing I remember clearly about our conversations and some of the letters I have from him is how the children in Afghanistan affected him. He was in charge of getting food stuff from the locals, so everyday he walked down to the front gate and when he would get there, at least 10-15 little boys and girls would be ther. He said, "mary, I can't help but look at these little kids, give them what candy is in my pocket and play with them for a minute and thank God that our little girls are in a country where they are free and do not have to live like this." That statement affected me so much, that is when I realized that he is doing this for our children, for their freedom, for us as a family. Joel went to the ends of the earth to ensure that we are free. I miss him so much. I miss his wisdom, smart ass comments, his love for his family and most of all I just miss having him here. I have so many memories that I want to put down for my girls, I will get it in time.

Pictures of Arlington Below

I finally got some pictures of Arlington on the site. I started it a few days ago, so it posted down farther on the list. I just wanted to let evryone know if they wanted to see some pictures of Arlington.