Life After Iraq

Blahs

2011-01-19T07:55:00.000-06:00

So I'm feeling a bit blah'ish(is that a word?) There are a lot of things on my plate right now and for some reason I don't really feel interested in doing them. I don't know if it is fear, guilt for still having the opportunity to do things, guilt for being able to do things but knowing it is going to take some of the money Joel left for us or just plain laziness. I'm confused, I'm hurting, and I feel a lot of weight on my shoulders right now. I don't like this feeling...I don't like not knowing and I really don't like not feeling in control, which is how I feel right now.

Grief

2011-01-16T09:47:00.000-06:00

Grief..it is an emotion that last forever. Wikipedia defines it like this: Grief is a multi-faceted response to loss, particularly to the loss of someone or something to which a bond was formed. Although conventionally focused on the emotional response to loss, it also has physical, cognitive, behavioral, social, and philosophical dimensions. Yep, that sounds about right, but what people don't realize or understand is that it is something that stays with you forever. This emotion just doesn't come when you loose someone and after that magical year it leaves. It remains with you forever, it becomes a part of who you are, how you live and how you learn to re-live your life.
Often times I have had people say, "but your better now, right? You don't hurt anymore, it been 5 years." Are you kidding me? Really? Sometimes I want to slap these people and say, REALLY?! But I always respond with, "Well I don't cry everyday now, but I will always miss him and always love him. It just doesn't go away." That is the hard truth, grief never goes away. It is a part of you forever, and ever. It is something I am teaching my kids and am now helping a very dear friend understand this as well. She lost her brother one year ago and as I watch this friend grieve, cry and hurt all I can do is offer hugs, prayers and tell her she will be OK. The pain will eventually find it's place in your life where you can manage it and you will smile again, you will laugh again. I think the biggest thing to understand when you are the one grieving is that it is OK to laugh, smile and be happy. That you are not betraying them, that this is what our loved ones would want. But that damn guilt sets in and you hurt all over again for still laughing, even for still being here, alive. When my brother died it took me many, many years to understand this and after Joel died it all finally sunk in. It all made sense, it didn't make it easier but at least I knew somehow someway I was going to make it. I have made it and I am still making it each day. Grief...it is a complicated emotion and it should not be taken lightly. Grief is now a part of who I am and it will always be this way. But I can still laugh, be happy and move forward, I have made grief an OK part of my life and for that I am happy.

Doing well

2011-01-14T07:34:00.000-06:00

This morning I had a huge moment. We woke up late, kid's were rushed for everything, plus one still had to shower before the bus arrived at 645. We pushed, we helped, we got them ready and before we knew it they were ready and at the door waiting for the bus. As soon as they walked out of the door Justin said, "well that was a great morning!" It was, despite the rush and the hustle it was a great morning. It dawned on me that this is what Joel would want(not the sleeping in and running late, he HATED running late!) but the happiness that was a part of all the rushing. The smiles, the hugs and the I love yous that were scattered in all the morning hustle. My girls are happy, truly happy. They smile, they laugh and they say I love you more times in a day then I can count. They still miss their papa, they still ask questions and they still hurt at times. It's normal, it's OK and it is healthy to feel that way and talk about it. I'm just glad that we are moving forward in this process, that we are finding love and happiness even in our darkest moments. I think this is what God wants for us. In our darkest hours we are to turn to him for comfort and light and we will see and find love, happiness and maybe some answers. I think we are doing well..indeed we are.

Update of the kids.

2011-01-13T11:01:00.000-06:00

My little guy on Christmas Eve...he got a T-ball set from his Mema and Pepa...Meet Wyatt!

Christmas Day..sporting his Carhart Overall's like Daddy and his new Cowboy Hat.

Brenna(wearing a hand knit hat). She's 8 now!

My pretty Brenna modeling a handknit hat for a niece of mine.

Faith modeling another hat. She will be 10 soon!

My Pretty little lady!

Tough Month(s)

2011-01-13T08:28:00.000-06:00

It has been a hard month...make that a few tough months. Back in September I felt as though life was moving forward, that we all(in the Cahill family) were getting stronger and healing. People were laughing more, trips together were being planned, then October came. Joel's second oldest brother was diagnosed with a Glioblastoma Brain Cancer...such a nasty sounding word. I guess it fits, because it is a nasty form of brain cancer. My heart has broken a million times over, my heart aches for my family but mostly for those kid's who will endure the loss of a parent. For my mother-in-law who will loose yet another son. I know we are all praying for a miracle, begging God to be merciful on this family and hoping for the answer's to our prayers, but also preparing ourselves for the day when his time will end. My heart aches. I can't fix it, I can't change it. I can't do a damn thing and it makes me angry. These last few months have brought up a lot of pain, a lot of questions and ultimately a lot of hope. Hope for the future and that Randy will have some healthy and happy days ahead. Hope that the children will be able to enjoy the time they have left with their father and have peace in the days to come. Hope that this tragedy that has fallen upon this family(yet again) will strengthen it and not break it again. I am praying that even through this sense of loss that we will all find healing. My heart aches...oh does it ache.

The above link in the title will take you to Randy's page. You can read about his journey, learn who he is and maybe say a few prayers for him.

Another go

2011-01-12T17:04:00.000-06:00

Well here I am again, finding myself in need to write. I have been writing on another blog, mostly about knitting. It helps, but I found myself reading through a few of the later blogs and I got sad....really sad. I know I have let a lot of people down not writing any more. I wish I had kept at it, but I guess I have some guilt. I feel like I need to push forward on moving on, but the truth is I will never move past my first love, I will never move past the pain that lingers in my heart and I will never, ever move past the memories that are forever burned into my head and heart. So as I sit here just rambling and writing...I feel as though I need to keep posting here, that I need to still have an outlet for me and my feelings of loss. Not of knitting. I have a whole new blog just for that and I will try to keep it all up. I know I can do and Lord knows I have the time, right now. So here's to a new year, a new path of writing and more moving forward. I know I can do this...I've done a lot harder things now haven't I?!
ps....so sorry to all of you that I have left behind. I didn't mean to hurt, upset or worry anyone. My deepest apologies.
pps....my new blog is http://cgknits.blogspot.com/

Lack of Motivation

2010-04-26T09:19:00.001-05:00

So I find myself very unmotivated today. Maybe it was the busy weekend, maybe it is just because it is Monday and back to the daily grind. I don't know, but I need to find it and fast! I can't seem to complete this sock monkey, I still have the tail and hair to do. I have a skirt on the needles I need to work on, a blanket that is going to take me forever at the rate I am going and two orders for hats....I need to find that motivation and fast! Plus a looming craft fair. It isn't until October but at the rate this year is flying by it will be here before I know it! Come on Mary...get MOTIVATED!!

Not Happy

2010-04-21T14:39:00.001-05:00

So the sock monkey is going...not well, but going. I am not happy with the yarn I am using. It splits and drop's funny. I usually love this brand, but this skein is terrible. I am thinking about putting it to the side and starting a new one, but I don't want to waste it...so I am going to continue. I don't know what to do about it, but I will figure it out somehow! Pictures tomorrow to see how poorly this is really looking.

New Projects

2010-04-20T08:48:00.002-05:00

So I am working on about 10 projects right now, waiting on yarn so I can start two more and have no idea how in the world I will get it all done by Christmas. Yes, I said Christmas. I know, it's months away and there is plenty of time. I'm talking about hand knit gifts. A gigantor blanket, millions of hats and scarves and a hundred little things for the kid's I can't figure out. I have 28 nieces and nephews, many parent's and parent's in laws and a few more great grands to throw in there. Hmmm...my flimsy fingers better get to moving. For now I have a little sock monkey I am knitting. I will post a picture tomorrow with hopefully at least the body done. A friend of mine asked me to make this for her daughter to hang on her rear view mirror. So I am off to town today to get stuffing and little velcro strips for the hands. She should be cute. Pic's to come soon.

A Fresh Start...a new perspective from me.

2010-04-20T08:16:00.005-05:00

So here I am once again. It has been forever since I have looked at or even thought about writing on the blog. I guess there are many reasons for that. Life got busy...really, really busy. I got overwhelmed and probably a little bit of guilt for trudging up the past on a regular basis. So here we are...a Fresh New Start. An update on all that has changed and all that hasn't. So we will start with what hasn't. I still miss Joel with each passing moment. I still watch my girls in awe and wonder how I got SO lucky. We still smile at some memories, cry with others and hurt with the ache of loosing a loved one. I am still me, a little more rough around the edges, a little more loving and compassionate but still me. My girls are still beautiful and amazing. They still amaze me with their strength each and every day. They are my life. So what has changed....OH BOY a lot! First off I live in Victoria, Texas and love it. We have a small house on almost 6 acres. It's not much but it is ours and my kid's are happy here. They love it out here, with the exception of riding a school bus. Next...I'm married. Spiritually, not legally. We will have been married for 2 years in June and it has been great. We married spiritually because of many reason, which I may or may not go into later. My last name is still the same, I won't be changing it. Justin is ok with this and so am I. Some people don't understand but they don't live my life now do they? The next huge thing is our little group that we call a family grew. We had a little boy, Wyatt Cash. He is 16 months old and one of the best things that happened to the girls and I. He is just as amazing as his big sisters and a ton of fun. The next thing that has changed but is not a huge thing is I have learned how to knit. I love it, it comes pretty natural to me, but it is fun, relaxing and my new addiction. I bring this up because this is the new direction my blog is going to be taking. It will still be and the kid's but it will also be a lot about what I am doing knitting wise. It is now evolving into a whole life blog and that makes me happy and I think that would make Joel happy to see me moving forward. So here we go. I know many of you have stopped following this and some of you still are(hello Glo) so bear with me and stick around for the creations that I have in my head. Take care and it is good to be back.

I am back!!

2008-05-19T11:17:00.003-05:00

Hello all! Well we are all back, happy and tired but back home. It was a wonderful weekend, a lot of fun and a lot of hugs, new faces, smiles and laughs. It was a good weekend. That is probably the best I can say. To see my sister again, to hold her little ones and watch them run and play with my kids, was just to cool. Faith was a little mother hen to my sisters littlest boy(I am withholding names until she says it is ok to write them), it was so cute! She loved running around with him, chasing him and "being in charge". It was so cute. My Bren was all over my sisters oldest son and tried to be buddy buddy with the middle boy, but I think their personalities are to similar so they clashed just a little. You know it was funny, I was watching my sisters second little guy and he made a face at me when I asked him something and for a minute I thought I was talking to Bren. Their facial expressions and attitudes are soo similar. It is to cute, the bad thing for me is I now know this trate Bren has actually comes from my side of the family, not Joel's like I always thought! Hahaha..... I am going to post some pictures soon, I need to get permision from my sister first, but I will post some of my girls swimming and playing at the pool. They had a blast at the water park/pool. It was good for me to be there too, it has been so long since I have been back to that part of South Dakota. It is so pretty out there, the hills, the trees....just beautiful. I want to get back soon, to make more of a trip out of it, to see more of what I miss and most importantly see my sister again.

Leaving tomorrow!

2008-05-14T17:38:00.003-05:00

Ok, so we leave tomorrow morning at 629am! Could I have picked a better time or what? The girls are really excited for this trip, they are going to be meeting there Aunt for the first time and some new cousins! They cannot wait. Part of me feels really sad that I have not introduced them yet, but the other part of me says get over it and just go see your sister! That is what I am doing. I know Joel would be glad that the girls are finally meeting her and her kiddos. I just wish he were with us. I guess tomorrow will be a bitter sweet moment for us, or rather me but at least I have all of the good memories of that day. My 40 pound dress, my bustle that kept breaking, my brother, Melissa and his oldest daughter were there, my brother cutting his hair, finding out about their baby #2. Memories I would not trade for anything, it just makes me sad that they are only memories of a past life that I can't live anymore. I miss him...more than I ever thought it was possible to miss one person. I don't feel as lost anymore, but I sure as hell still don't feel like the old me. I guess I never will and I know this and normally I am ok with it but today I don't feel like being ok right now, I am just wallowing and I guess damn it, I deserve to today! I will be back on Sunday! Talk to you all then, unless of course I can find a computer to get onto!

Kindergarten Roundup

2008-05-09T08:45:00.002-05:00

Today is the day Bren and I chose to go to K-round up. Well, I chose anyways. Brenna does not want to go, in any way is she looking forward to going to the school today. It is actually really funny. Anytime we mention "school" she says, "I don't want to hear it! It is not for me!" Ummm......sorry Bren, but school is not an option. She has got it in her head the kindergarten is for little girls and in her mind, she is almost 6 and should not be there, she should be with her big sister in 1st grade with her fun teacher. Oh boy! I have 4 months to get her ready and pumped for kindergarten....I can already see the first day. Tempertantrum city, screaming and crying....fighting to leave the classroom and it will take 4 people to hold her back! I just know it is going to be a nightmare! UGH!!!!! Say some prayers for me everyone! With this little girl, I need all the help I can get! I don't know where she gets her drama act from!!! ;)

May 15

2008-05-09T08:36:00.002-05:00

May 15th.......right around the corner. 6 days. It would have been 9 years this year. It is hard to beleive that this day that means so much to me and was always a happy day is now a sad day. A day that I think about a lot, cry about and wish I could celebrate it with Joel. I remember this day like it was yesterday. The flowers, my friends, my dress, my family......my new husband and how handsome he looked in his dress blues. In one fell swoop it was gone. Taken in the blink of an eye and now I am left to dwell on the memories and dream about the past. I guess it is a little bit of a down moment for right now. The first two anniversaries....I dwelled on it for weeks...was miserable. This year I am trying to do it differently. To be a little stronger, more brave and move forward in a way that is not so painful for the month of May. Actually, on the 15th this year I will be flying to go see my sister for the first time in 9 years. I will get to hug my nephew who was a peanut the last time I saw him and now he is almost as tall as me and tickle two more whom I have never met. My sister will finally get to meet my little girls. It is going to be a great weekend, I just know it. I guess it will be a good thing to do on this day I have now learned to dread instead of be happy and celebrate. I know in time(I wish it was now) I will find a way to be happy on this day, to celebrate the 15th because of the way it impacted my life and made me the person I am. I just still have to get there.

Rose Buds and Hanging Baskets

2008-05-06T10:38:00.002-05:00

I got this in a forward today and I had to laugh my butt off! It is one of those silly forwards, but it is SO relative to things today that I had to share it. I can't tell you how many teenagers (and mama wanna be teenagers) that I have seen in shirts like that! Have a good read!

A teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with this see-through blouse on and no bra. Her grandmother just pitched a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that! The teenager tells her loosen up Grams. These are modern times. You gotta let your rose buds show! And out she goes. The next day the teenager comes down stairs, and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on. The teenager wants to die. She explains to her grandmother that she has friends coming over and that it is just not appropriate.....The grandmother says, loosen up, Sweetie. If you can show off your rose buds, then I can display my hanging baskets. Happy Gardening.

Rain rain go away!

2008-05-05T18:17:00.002-05:00

My sister gets over 3 feet of snow, I get a days worth of rain and more! My sister lives in SD, way west, not far from Wyoming and they got dumped on by the snow machine last week. I was all happy and he, he, heeing over it. I am not now! We have gotten around 4 inches of rain, give or take a little and all in the time span of just one day. It poured all day long, my back yard looks like a swamp, but I guess I can see my grass and not just snow drifts!! I guess I am complaining about the rain a little, but at least it is not snow! Also, thanks to all who helped me with my little issue. I know it seems trivial and silly, but I really did not know what to do. My sister reminded me that this is an open forum, on the world wide web and I cannot control who reads this or not. The only thing I can try to control is how certain people use the information they read on this forum. I am not sure how I will do it just yet, but I will figure it out. So I am back, writing about what I need to write, doing what I need to do to keep moving forward and just living life. That is all I can do for now. I will be back tomorrow with more stories and information, gotta go scrub my two hoodlums for now. They both are looking pretty ratty!

The Truck is FOUND!!!

2008-05-01T08:14:00.003-05:00

OK, so we found the truck! Yippee!!! (kind of) So on Saturday Justin found out that they found his truck in a border town called Laredo, it is in the South Western Part of the state, more west than south. The Sheriff he talked to said, it was in ok condition and probably drivable, it was just missing the back seat and the steering column was torn apart. We thought, ok not to bad, we just have to figure out a time and way to get to Laredo and get the truck. So on Tuesday Justin finally talked to the owner of the wrecker company where his truck was being stored. Ohhhhhh the Sheriff was sooooo wrong!!!! Here is the run down on his truck. The two back tires are flat, oh I mean slashed, the whole back seat plus the little storage area under the seats were torn out. The front seats are "not great" according to the man he spoke to, the steering column is not just torn up, but destroyed and they were hot wiring the truck to start it, so wires are everywhere. They had to disengage the drive shaft to tow the truck so the man suggested that Justin has it towed to the final destination for repairs so they can properly engage the drive shaft. Oh what a mess. We are waiting for the insurance company to tell him what they are planning on doing with the truck. If it is going to be claimed as a total loss or if they think that the repairs will be best. Some people are telling us that he can refuse to take the truck since it was stolen and used illegally, but I am not sure what the payout will be if he does that. I just hope that this all works out, for the better and soon! Well, it is time to go play with my Brenna. She is waiting so patiently in the toy room for me. I better go be a good mama and play.

Explanation and Help

2008-05-01T08:03:00.003-05:00

Sorry that I have been off for the last 6 days. I have been hesitant in writing on the blog lately. Someone is reading my blog that I would rather they not read it. There are so many things that I need and want to write about, but I am keeping it tucked in for now. So for the next few days or so until I can get this sorted out, it is going to be pretty superficial and boring. I decided that I can't just leave my writing and thoughts alone again like I did a few months earlier, but I also can't let everything out like I have in the past, or I feel like that is the nice thing to do. On the flip side though, I have had another thought. This is my forum to write what I feel and how I feel and I should be able to do that, no matter who is reading it. There is a small part of me that feels like I should write whatever I want, no matter what and let it out. If the person that is reading this gets there feelings hurt, then oh well, they should have called me and gotten some of this information for themselves, right? (on the other flip side, I could call them and tell them my feelings and have it all out, but I am to chicken to do that.) I just don't know what to do. There is so much that I want to write and need to, but I feel like my private space is being invaded, all because of the selfishness of one person. I am really upset with them right now.

Glo

2008-04-24T10:04:00.003-05:00

You did make me laugh girl! I can SO relate to everything you wrote. I think I have said before that I am not from these parts at all! I am so not a city girl, I grew up in Hot Springs, SD and went to college in Omaha at Creighton University. If you have ever been to Hot Springs then you know that I did not grow up in a big city, nor was it a town with a lot of luxury! Before living in Hot Springs, I lived in a tiny town called Howard, this is where everyone knows you are in town(even if it has been 3 years since the last visit), even before you hit the edge of town. I miss the small town living actually but I do not miss the gossip and chatter that comes along with it. Hopefully in a year or two we will be out of Houston, (that is the plan for now) and on a little chunk of land in the country or in that small town lifestyle not far from the city but far enough that it does not crawl in your back door. Thanks for making me laugh Glo!

Getting On Track

2008-04-24T09:45:00.002-05:00

Ok, so life is getting better, I think. No news on the truck, it will take about 20 to 30 days to process so in the meantime we are just hoping that if it does turn up at this point, it is deemed a total loss. I know that sounds a little strange, but at this point if it is returned, who knows what kind of shape it is in! So other than the truck being stolen, life is pretty darn boring around here. I am trying to stay on top of the house work (I will let you all know when I finally make that happen!), get the girls to all of their activities and keep running. Pretty normal, pretty boring but I am finding that I am ok with this! The less drama and heartache the better! One thing that has been happening is Bren is going through her second grieving phase I think. She has had a tough time with it all and been really sad and frustrated. I am grateful that she is able to verbalize to me how she is feeling, but at the same time, I still wish she did not have to go through this. I am also very grateful that she has her big sister to help her. At night when they are going to bed, I can hear them whispering in their room about papa and how they both miss him and then Faith telling Brenna what she thinks or does to make her feel better. The first time I heard Faith say this to Bren, I sat there and cried. I am glad that she is brave and strong enough to do this though, I think it is good for Brenna to hear it from her big sis and not just from mama or Justin. This has been going on for a few weeks now, I have not written much about it because this has been really hard on all of us. Bren is a very sensitive little girl and when she is sad, she gets really sad and very down on herself. It has been hard for me to help her, cope with it and get her through it. So to write about it has been even more difficult. I don't know if I have even really talked about it to many people. It is scary at times and very easy to tell myself I am not doing it right, if I was, my daughter would not be so sad or would not get down on herself. I know that is not true, I know that is just how she is, she is like her mama. Speaking of Bren, she is sitting here thumbing Faith's guitar strings and patiently waiting for me to be done, so I suppose I better get to it. I will let you know if I stay on top of that house work! YEAH RIGHT!!!!!

Crazy, Crazy!!!

2008-04-21T08:45:00.002-05:00

Ok, so as if the last weeks were not enough to scare me and make me want to get the heck out of Houston, Justin's truck got stolen Friday from a Hooters Restaurant! He is so sad, upset and worried. I feel so bad for him and can't help but keep thinking that we need to get the heck out of dodge and leave it in the dust. I know this type of stuff happens every day everywhere, but the fact that it is happening so close to home and to us makes it even scarier. After getting over the initial shock of his truck being gone and getting used to the fact that we can't just load up the 4-wheeler and go let the girls ride, or load up junk and take it to the dump, we will be ok. Justin is actually doing surprisingly well. He said, as long as the insurance company takes care of me and my loan, this may be better for us, it will erase one part of debt and help us get where we need to get. I think the hardest part for him is having just one car right now. I am ok with it, the girls and I don't go anywhere during the day and there are ways to make the activities fit in with our limited car arrangements. He is struggeling though, but I know he will get over it. I am just glad that he was not out there when it was happening. It is so scary to me to know how many car thefts go wrong in Houston. In the last week there has been a half dozen or so shot or stabbed from car thefts/jackings gone wrong. I can't and won't even think that way. Well, I need to get to my girls. We are watching Evan Almighty this morning and then maybe off to the pool this afternoon. We will see. Faith is out of school today, so we are going to try and have fun today.

On my mind today

2008-04-17T13:37:00.002-05:00

Ok, so my mind is not quite right, nothing new to me but maybe for some of my fellow bloggers it is. A large portion of the day today has been spent lookin up sexual offenders on the Watch Dog Website http://www.familywatchdog.us. It has scared the crap out of me, made me sick to my stomach and wishing I did not live in Houston. Here is why I started to search anyways. Last week a little girl in Faith's grade was kidnapped just a couple hundred feet away from her bus stop, it was very scary, but even scarier that my daughter new her, played with her and understands what happened to this little girl. The little girl is back home, thank god, but not without emotional scarring for life. It was very scary when it happened and is still today. I have searched watch dog many times before but since this happened I have been on twice in these two weeks. This is the scary part, when I checked last week, there was only one man that was within a mile of my home and .14 miles from the school(that was scary) and today when I checked there was another man that just moved in to our neighborhood and he is actually just across the street a little ways. I know that it is good that I am aware, but it is scary that there are so many and that the majority of them were sexual contact with a child. I guess sometimes it is better to be over protective and cautious. We have had so many chats with the girls about this that they are now thinking it is normal everyday conversation. It is somewhat funny, but also very sad to me, I wish they did not have to grow up this way. I posted the link up above so those of you who have not ever checked, can or pass the link on to your loved ones. It never hurts to be aware of who is living next to or your schools.

Sick

2008-04-15T09:46:00.003-05:00

Sorry I have missed so many days. I have been feeling really under the weather and out of it the last few days. It has to be all the temperature changes we have had recently and the pollen in the air. Between cold stuff and allergy stuff, it is miserable. I am sorry I have not gotten on more or gotten on sooner, but it just seemed like there was not any time or energy lately. I don't have anymore running stories this week, but I know I will have some soon! Take care ya'll and I will be on again soon. Just gotta get over this crud! Hopefully we will see you all tomorrow!

Hello!

2008-04-09T16:35:00.003-05:00

Hello All! I know it has been a few days since I have been on, but it has been crazy, crazy, crazy and crazier here lately. We had soccer all day on Saturday and by the time we got home we all had had enough for the day, so we just vegged! Sunday was another lazy day for the most part. I went out and ran some errands and Justin did some yard work and took it easy. It was a nice weekend, but what started out as nice was quickly replace by a fast and furiou few days! The week prior was the same.....oh well. I have been running quite a bit these last 5 days. I think I have logged 11-13 miles this week. Not to bad for just starting out again and it has been since Sunday that I started my weekly tally. It is really quite interesting running with a jogging stroller again. I mean, my kiddo's were tiny when I did it last time, less than 30lb's each and now I am running with a 45lb preschooler who does not know how to sit still! That makes it even more challenging! It has been good though. Justin put it into perspective for me today, he said, Geeze Mary, when you go out running without that jogger you are going to feel like your flying! Way to train for your next marathon! I know he is right too! I can feel it in my hips and quads and shoulders from pushing the stroller. I guess I forgot how much you have to push with your legs when your struggling to push 50+ pounds in front of you! Not to mention keeping the dog close by and at bay so he does not go chasing the ducks! I have been taking Max(our golden retriever) with us lately (he is on a diet, he weighed 109 pounds in march!) and he loves all the "wildlife" that is out there, I forgot about the ducks for a while, but he quickly reminded me that the ducks are out and about! Here is a quick story to get you laughing. Last week or so I took Max running with us and like I said, I forgot about the ducks that occupy the ponds in our neighborhood. So we are running, Bren has his leash(after a half mile the dog is pretty well sluggish and stays close, he should he is 30 pounds over weight!) and we are going on our way and just as Brenna says, "look at the ducks!" Max hears ducks and he is gone, off like a rocket for the ducks. So here I am, on a bridge that will roll Bren backwards if I let go now and she will surely fly into the road, a dog that is running faster than I have seen him run since he chased Faith on the four wheeler at the ranch. I had no clue what to do! So in a split second I thought, push the stroller forward to the grass, it will stop, get Max before he goes into the pond after all the ducks or worse, kills one infront of my baby girl. So I do just that, Bren is screaming when she realizes that I have let go and that Max is headed for the duck and might hurt him. I get Max(barely) by stepping on the end of his leash, he comes jerking back into me and I almost topple ontop of him and start the whole process over again! It was not so funny when it happened and I was not in the mood to think it was funny for a few days. I have now gotten over myself and see how damn funny it is and realize, that this could only happen to me! It took me a while to take Max again, but he is now on pretty good behaviour and does well with the ducks. I do have to say I am proud of him for co-existing with his "natural" prey! Take care you all and maybe, just maybe I will have another funny story to share tomorrow!

For Widows Who Read This

2008-04-04T12:23:00.002-05:00

This is a link for other widows who read this silly blog and for those who know widows. I just received a mailer from Army Long Term Family Case Management there is a website that we can go to and see what other benefits we may be eligible for, or for back pay that may be due to the families. I wanted to post this on here because I know if I did not know about it until now, many others may not either. Here is the link. https://www.hrc.army.mil/site/active/tagd/cmaoc/altfcm/benefits.htm If it does not work, let me know I can get the right address to you.

More Stuff

2008-04-04T08:15:00.002-05:00

I read some of the comments and I had to laugh right along with you. I just wish I had taken a photo to send ya'll. Well, we got the garden done yesterday, minus a few bags of mulch I miscalculated on. I should get them out today if the weather holds out and then I will take pictures and post them. It looks pretty nice, different than the huge ol' bushes we had in there. I had to get rid of them, I despised them. We have already had a few butterflies on the plants and that made the girls so excited, they worked even harder with me last night. Faith said, "mama we just did this and the butterflies already know that we are helping them!" To see her face and hear the happiness in the voice was one of the best rewards as a mom. Glo, well I did not grow up in Missouri, but I did grow up in South Dakota so I think that's about the same right? MQ, the girls love, love Tae Kwon Do. Bren is in Tiny Tigers and she is working on getting her yellow belt. Faith has had some more troubles earning her belts, but she is working on her orange. We just started about 2 months ago, maybe 3 and they have both done really well. I think once Faith gets over her worry about getting my approval all the time, she will do really really well. She practices and practices now and she does well at home, but gets to TKD and does not do so well. She gets so nervous! It is pretty cute though. I have to tell a story. A month ago they had their first belt testing and she did not earn her 3rd strips so she could test. She was devastated because Bren got her new belt. I think she was a little embarrassed too. We have been practicing and working on it since so she can earn that third stripe. The other day she went through her form once and I said why don't you do it a few more times and then practice your kicks nice and slow while I get dinner on the table. She said OK, but when I looked she was just sitting on the couch. I got onto her a little bit, but she never got to practicing. So finally I asked her why she would not practice, these are her words; "mama, I don't want to mess up, I just did it perfectly and if I keep doing it I will do it wrong. I don't want to mess up my kicks either". She is such a little perfectionist, just like her papa, it was cute but sad at the same time. I then talked to her about having to make mistakes to learn and get better and without practice we will never get better. She said, "did my papa have to practice a lot? You always say he was so good at everything, I am sure he did not have to practice." I laughed, a lot. "Yes, your papa had to practice and he practiced a lot. He made a lot of mistakes too, but he always learned from them and fast." She smiled and said OK. I know one day I will tell them about mistakes he made as a young adult(high school), to help them understand and know their papa better and hear stories that he would have told them himself to make a point and keep them from making the same mistakes. Anyways, I thought this was a cute little story and a great learning process for all of us here. Take care ya'll and talk to you soon ps--Glo I am in Texas! pps-Heidi, Wear the boots girl!!!! Even if you aren't a boot wearer! My neighbor killed 3 baby diamond backs and he saw a water moccasin, I worry about my dogs! I can't put leather boots on them!

Running

2008-04-03T14:19:00.002-05:00

Thanks everyone for giving me a little push for the running. I needed it. I did go run on Tuesday and it felt pretty good. I wanted to go run yesterday but I was a little under the weather, so I didn't get it done. I want to go today but between the girls Tae Kwon Do, dentist appointments and just life, I don't know if it will get done today. I know I will be out there tomorrow though. To Stephanie, look for an e-mail from me later. I am going to try and write later, I don't know if you have a junk mail folder like mine, but finding an e-mail in there is like looking for a needle in a haystack if you aren't checking constantly! Take care ya'll and talk to you soon! Mary

So What DO my neighbors think???!!

2008-04-03T14:09:00.002-05:00

Well, I had to write about this because I think it is pretty funny and actually quite ridiculous that I even gave it any thought. As I wrote before we are working on the front of our house and we basically started all over from scratch. So today I decided it was a wonderful day to pull out 4 huge bushes and then start planting a minimum of 20 plants(that was just to get started). Bren and Faith want a butterfly garden so that involves lots of different plants when you have a 5 and 7 year old planning it!!! Anyways, as I am outside today my nieghbors are out, landscape guys are out working on yards and more than once I caught a few people staring at what I was doing. At first I was very paranoid thinking, "oh no, am I going to get into trouble with the Homeowners Assoc. for not getting approval or am I making a fool out of myself." I gave this a little thought and then one of my other neighbors came out, I was taking a little break, cleaning up and sweeping off the walk. She just stared at me, I said hello and she said Hi (real fast and short) and turned around. I thought about it again, then I took a good look at myself in the front door. OH BOY!!!! I looked so ridiculous! I wish I had a picture to show you all. I realized just then what I had thrown on to work in the yard, picture this---brown cowboy boots(keeps the feet cleaner and protects my toes and body if I find a snake!), short tan colored shorts(that are a little snug) a brown t-shirt and a mud streaked face and arms to go along with it. Not mention my hair was wild and crazy looking from the wind. I am sure my neighbors were watching me thinking I had certainly lost my mind!! I guess I would think the same thing. Oh well, I don't care to much, it is my yard and I was comfortable for the most part(minus the snug shorts!) Good thing they did not see my socks, one was navy blue and one was light blue, I am sure they would have fun looking at me then!! What's the sense in looking nice when your just going to get dirty?!?! Take care ya'll!

Where did my mojo go?!

2008-04-01T09:31:00.002-05:00

Well, the mojo is gone, gone, gone! I was doing so good with my running and keeping on top of everything. It seems in the last few months the mojo has slipped, but even right now, I have the desire to do it, just not the get up and go! I am getting sick of it really. So as silly as this sound, I am going to write every day about running and when, maybe you can all help keep me accountable and I will kick some butt on it once again! When I ran so much this summer, it helped me so much and I always felt a little closer to Joel during that hour or so of running. I need that again, I know I do. I need to get out there again. I will let you know if I run today and how far. Mojo needs to come back!!!!

Thank You

2008-03-30T15:54:00.002-05:00

Thank You all for your helps and comments. I know you are right and we will get there. Justin and I have a wonderful relationship that borders on insanity at times, but I am ok with that because it is who I am. We have had those talks about just being there and not trying to fix everything and usually he does a great job, but I think with the stuff with my folks, he is a little less to tune it out. There is a lot more to my parent's situation than I have written and probably will never, so he takes this into account and uses to psychoanalyse eveything. We will get there again, where he is just there and not trying to fix it. We had a good talk yesterday, so I think we got to the point without hurting eachothers feelings. Justing had his own experience with his parents divorcing when he was older, and I think he is drawing on that to help me through my own, but as I said before, there is so much more to my folks than I have written. Anyways we have gotten past it and worked our tails off on the front of our house. We dug out our front bushes and replaced it with a patio, back breaking work but so worth it!!!! I will send pictures when we are totally done, still have a little more work to do, I best get back to it!! Love to all!

Very Frustrated

2008-03-29T12:56:00.002-05:00

Ok, so I am so totally frustrated right now, that I am just being a complete brat. I don't know what to do or say, but this happens often, so any input would be great. Through out the last 2 1/2 years I have my periods of being withdrawn, frustrated or just plain weird, as we all do even when we are not coping with the loss of your soul mate. So I guess I am having one of those days today, not that I really noticed though, I was just goofy. If you knew me like my sister and some of my close friends, you would know that it was fairly normal, but I have days where the goofiness is a little stronger than usual. Today is one of those days, but at the same time in-between my periods of goofiness, I am just quiet(which is not so normal). So to get to the point, Justin has really tuned into this and has kind of made a big deal out of it. I am glad that he does because if he didn't I would probably be angry that he did not notice. So anyways he came up to me and said, "I just want to recognize that you are not yourself right now and it is probably because you mom picked up the last of her stuff today and I am sure it affected you, even though you are not there." Even if he is right, immediatly I got mad. Why should my mom's choices make me sad or upset?!?!(that is my brain thinking and my mouth staying shut). I refuse to see that maybe he is right, but maybe he is. I am just tired of feeling like I am under a microscope when I have one of my moods and I have told him this, but at the same time, is it that big of a deal, at least he notices, at least he cares enough to mention it and bring it up. I am just being a big baby. I guess I need to suck it up and drive on; as Joel would say. What would you all do?

Two More Vidoes

2008-03-28T16:12:00.002-05:00

Ok, so I was searching some more for a particular song and I came across two other songs. One is a song that I just heard and I listened to it with the girls. All three of us cried and watched the video. It is an excellent song with a wonderful meaning. It is called God Only Cries. The next song is a song that a friend of mine played for me when my brother died. She found comfort in the song after her uncle died a few short months before my own brother. It is Go Rest High on The Mountain Top by vince gill. I will add the links. Just a few of the little things that get me through days that are dreary and long. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SHLcB3xb2ko God Only Cries For my Joel, your three girls are still loving and missing you everyday. Until we see you again my love. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CRyKg5xMaXA Go Rest High, for my big brother, I love him and miss him so much.

In God We Still Trust

2008-03-28T14:37:00.001-05:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DiYgpPB1kwU Ok, so I figured it out and now I had to add this one. I have cried so many times watching this one. Yes, I have found a lot of solace in you tube videos!

Had to Share this

2008-03-28T14:02:00.006-05:00

I just found this when I was looking for something else, I have to share it. I am sure it has been seen before, but this was my first time seeing it. All I did was cry. Click on the title and it will play a Hootie and Blowfish song with some really cool video. Or Click here! I figured it out! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iWGSWE7yPaU

Weird, weird, weird.

2008-03-28T11:26:00.003-05:00

Ok, so it has been a strange start the morning already. This will be short, we need to get running, but I wanted to jot this down real fast. Brenna and I were listening to Hootie and the blowfish as we were cooking up some enchilada's this am. A song came on about someone dying and a part of the verse was "we are all going to die anyways" and so she asked me if that was true. I pride myself on always being honset with my kids, no matter how hard the truth is or how much the truth stinks. So I answered yes and we started talking about it a little and I said, "you remember Great Grandma Rose right? Well, hopefully all of us will live that long and have a full happy life like her." She said, ok but do you think my papa will remember me when I am that old and can see him again? So I answered her of course he will remember you and I shared a story with her about how I know he will remember us and know us when we join him in heaven a very long time from now. She seemed pretty content with all this information and went outside to play with the dogs. Not even 5 minutes after we got done with this conversation another song by Hootie and the Blowfish comes on and it is title Can I see you. Ok, so by now we have left and come back from our little lunch at Justin's work. I have been trying to find the song Can I see you, but no such luck. In the process I did find another song that I think is very cool and very touching. It made me sad, but very proud at the same time. It is the posting below this. Click on the title and it will pop up youtube. I have not figured out how to insert links, so if you all know how, please feel free to let me know!!

2008-03-27T08:36:00.004-05:00

This photo was taken when we were in DC for the Marine Corps Marathon. I don't know if you can see all the little lipstick kisses, but the girls covered his headstone in kisses. It was so sweet. Brenna could not get enough on there and Faith only did it once, but like everything she does, it was big it was right and she only had to do it once. I am so glad I have those photo's. This was one of our Christmas Pictures for the year. I did not plan for the pictures to be taken with Joel's flag box, it just happened that way. I guess because it is at the center of our lives, we just naturally gravitated towards it and that is where all the photos happened. I did not realize it until after we had them printed, I am glad that this is where we took them. I am positive it will be a running theme every christmas. This is a photo of Justin and I taken at his Christmas Party. It was a fun night and very relaxing. It was the first time since Joel died that I left the girls with anyone but family or close friends(like my family). I was so nervous, but it was very good for all of us. I know the girls enjoyed the break from us and it was good for me and Justin.

Missed a day

2008-03-27T08:30:00.002-05:00

So here I am, back once again. I know I missed yesterday, but it felt like I had a telephone growing out of my ear yesterday, I was on most of the day and most of the night. It was a strange day yesterday. I did get a chance to run, so that was good and Brenna was my big motivator and pusher on that one. It felt good to get out there and have her with me. She is getting a little heavy to push in a jogger stroller, but I don't care, I want her there with me for now. I have some pictures to post from christmas and other things that have happened since then, so I will add those here in a minute. My dad came down for christmas and it was absolutely wonderful to have him here, be able to comfort him and help him through this tough year. The girls just made his week while he was here, they were all over their "white haired" grandpa. It was strange to have him here without my mom, but great that he was here. One good thing that has happened in this mess is that my dad and my older sister have re-established their relationship and I think that is a huge, huge gain for my dad and my sister. I know that has been the light in the darkness for him. Ok...enough about that... On to some pictures!!! Another post coming up!!

1,000 times sorry

2008-03-25T20:40:00.002-05:00

Ok, I know I have been gone for a long, long time. I have thought about blogging many, many times but a lot has happened in the last 6 months since I wrote and it has been hard to get back on here and write my heart out. I have wanted to, trust me, but writing my thoughts down felt as though I was putting myself out there for when I was not feeling up to it. I hope that makes sense. So..... Yes, I am ok and the girls are ok and life is moving in a forward direction. And yes, before anyones ask, I am still engaged and we are planning a Thanksgiving wedding, which I will explain the reasons why in a later note. Yes, I ran the marine corps marathon and finished it. One of the reasons why I was not on in the last few weeks before the run was because I broke my toe two days before the Army Ten Miler and could not run it. I was so upset and disappointed. I still went and supported my friends and other widows, but I hobbled along on my crutches. My toe was broken so badly that they wanted to pin it, I said HELL no I will live with a crooked toe before I go through that pain! Toe is better now even after running 26.2 miles on a still broken toe. I am hoping to run it again, I just need to get my mojo up and going and get running again. All of the holidays went pretty well for the most part. It was a strange holiday season for all of us in my family. Some pretty life altering events happened in my family and it shook us all to the core and we still don't understand, but one day I hope to. My mom left my dad after nearly 40 years of marriage, the reasons, the way it happened and the way all of kids feel right now is so not how I remember my life as a child with my mother. It is probably one of the reasons I have not been on as of late. I did not know what to say or write without being angry, I did not know what else to think about for quite a while. Needless to say this consumed my life for quite a while, but I think I am now starting to get on track. My mom left the weekend before Joel's 2nd anniversary and it pretty well put my grieving process on hold for a while. Justin said to me, shortly after that day, "Mary it is going to hit you one day and just know I am here." I did not completely understand what he meant, I just stumbled through those weeks for a while. Well a few weeks before Faiths birthday it hit me and it hit me hard. I got through it with the help of Justin, my girls, my dad and Joel's mom.(I know Joel was there too) I know all of this stuff with my folks is not about it me and it should not affect me the way it has, but when you have lived your life in a certain way for so long and your mom and dad have weather everything together, having children, raising children and lossing them, you think, what is there you can't get through? It was just a blow I was not ready for. Enough of that, it has consumed my life for to long and I refuse to let it consume this note!!! Everything else is good here and I will try to keep on this more. I know I need to, I feel so much better when I write and take time for myself. I need to push the reset button on a few things lately and running and writing are the biggest ones!!! Who knows, when I write tomorrow maybe I will have for my first run in a long time!! Love to all and I have missed you too! Mary

One more picture

2007-09-20T20:21:00.000-05:00

I thought I would through this one in there, Bren took it of me, along with a dozen more silly ones, but she is so proud of how her pics turned out. I thought I would send it along, let you get a few laughs. Also, I want to do a little poll, a friend of mine thinks Bren looks like me, just want to know your thoughts. I think they both look like Joel, a little like me, but I see Joel more and more. Just curious of your thoughts. I had to add two more pictures, just because they were cute I thought. The first is me, Faith took it and it is a little off. The second is me again, but with a bow in the hair(visible in this one!!). The third is Brenna, she had been silly, but she got a little tired and laid her head on the chair and just stood there, I snapped it as fast as I could, it was a good picture I thought. Let me know if you think she looks like me, I am not seeing it!

Learning how to play soccer

2007-09-20T20:11:00.000-05:00

Just wanted to send a few pics of the girls learning how to play soccer, they are both natural athletes and they love to play. I am very proud of that!! That is something they got from their papa, I am not a natural athlete, all I have is the ability to run and swim. The darn dog gets in the way of some of the photo's but it gives you a good idea of just how tall he is! Bren is even getting into soccer and they are having fun playing together. I am glad Faith is playing soccer, she is going to do well and she is so excited about this, for the first time in a long time she cannot wait for it to get better and better! The first picture is Faith acting as the goalie, we don't have a goal yet, so we were using the shed(ignore the mess). The second is Faith kicking it in to Justin, that is just a small glimpse of him. The third is Brenna kicking it in to Faith and she dives for it, it was a pretty nice move, wish I had faster fingers and caught another one of those! The fourth is of Brenna kicking away, it is a little blury, but I thought it was cute. Hope you all enjoy!! I am doing better on keeping this up to date! Yeah me!!

Follow up to Bren

2007-09-19T17:52:00.000-05:00

I have gotten a few comments about Brenna's encounter yesterday and I just want to thank you all for your comments and support. I know we are doing the right thing and I know that Bren is a strong beautiful little lady. You all are wonderful, thank you for helping me to realize that all of these things are good and ok. Today, Bren and I went to meet Justin for lunch and to take some homemade chocolate chip cookies to his co workers(there is only 6 of them in the office)and on the way there, Bren had a little meltdown. She was sitting in the back seat and started whimpering a little bit and looked so sad. I asked her if she was ok and she said, "no, I miss my papa so much, my papa who died." I asked her what she missed about him and she said, "I miss swimming with him, riding bikes with him, playing with him and swinging with him. I just miss him mama." I was in tears by now because she has never expressed her pain like this before, part of me was glad she could but the other part of me was splitting in two." I said, I know you miss him honey, but you know he is always with us, no matter what you are doing. She said, "I know mama, but he does not do anything but just lay there." I was a little baffled by the just laying there part, but I figured she meant he did not play or interact with her. So we talked for a few minutes about the afterlife and what I beleive about seeing him again one day, still being able to talk to him and knowing that he is with us still. This is the response that really got me and I hardly kept the tears at a minimum so I could see the road to drive. She said, "Mama, when I die, will he still love me and know me? How will he find me? Mama, why did he walk through the gates to heaven, I thought all angels flew, I know my papa is an angel. I hear him in my ear and he had to fly to me to talk to me." In between stiffled sobs I had to ask her when she hears her papa and what does he say to her? She said(and this really got me) "I hear him say I love you every night, but I don't tell anyone because I don't anyone to tell me its impossible." Man, how do kids get this smart and figure it all out before we do. So I told her that I beleive that she hears her papa talking to her and yes he is an angel, I know he is because of the dreams I have had. I told her she can always tell me when she hears her papa, I will always beleive her because I know it is possible. I also told her that no one can tell her what to beleive, they are her beleifs and if anyone ever tells her that it is not possible, she needs to tell them that they are her beleifs and she beleives in God, the afterlife and that all things are possible. She just smiled at me and said, "I won't ever change my beleifs." God I love my girls more than life itself and everyday I am amazed at their strength and their abilities. They are wonderful girls, how did I get so blessed?

Brenna

2007-09-18T18:53:00.000-05:00

Being home with just Brenna has been a huge adjustment for both of us. We are finding new ways to entertain eachother, little ways to control ourselves and with that I mean Bren controlling herself. She has always been really good at throwing tantrums and whining and crying before she even knows the answer to her question. I guess in the past that helped her get her way, but now since it is just her and me she is realzing that it does not work. It has been interesting to say the least. I am still working on her tantrums, but we have gotten the whining and crying under control, I think. I have found new ways to entertain her and me so we are not bored during the day. We go to the zoo, that is a lot of fun but it still a little hot out for that right now. Today we went to the mall and had lunch and I needed to purchase some beauty products(isn't that always fun!) and while we were there, the ladies at the counter saw my military ID and asked me about it, Brenna pipes in right away, "we have that because our papa died in Raq". Both ladies looked at me as if to say, "is she serious" and I responded with, yes that right, he did die in Iraq Bren". Those two ladies were so sweet to her and asked her about her papa and just made her feel so special. I realized right then and there that I am doing the right think, not only by keeping her home with me this year, but also with what I am teaching her about her papa and that it is ok for her to tell anyone she wants. I guess today was a turning point for me and being a stay at home mom. I have been thinking about getting a job and putting her in daycare, but today I realized that one more year with her is not going to hurt either one of us. She needs this and I probaly need it just as much.

A few Photos

2007-09-16T21:03:00.000-05:00

Just wanted to share a few photos with you all. The girls have grown so much, I thought you would like to see! 1. This is the Brenna and Maxwell, our Golden Retreiver that we bought when Joel first went to Iraq. He was Faith's puppy, she begged and begged her papa for a puppy and he finally caved when we was in Iraq. She was so happy that day and still remembers when papa said she could get a puppy. 2. This the girls at the pool, enjoying a little break, a snack and eachother(for a very short period!). 3. Faith playing her webkinz in her jammies, I think it was late too!! 4. Just Brenna being Brenna, Faith took this photo with her little digital camera. It is a little fuzzy, but for a six year old, this is a good, cheap camera! And a good photo!

Life in Texas

2007-09-16T20:37:00.001-05:00

Well, the last 5 months have been quite interesting living in Texas. I would have to say that the humidity is the number one thing I have had to get used to, but the one thing that I am not so sure about is the traffic. I hate driving in Houston, even to take Faith to school!! We usually walk, but with the rain and then when I was sick I had to drive her. Just to get into the lane to go to school is a nightmare and it is only a 3 or 4 minute drive!! If I have to go anywhere, and I mean anywhere, I don't leave the house until after 9. I made appointments for the girls last month and when she asked me what time, I said, anytime after 9, I refuse to drive on the beltway before then. She laughed at me, hard. I guess this small town and little city girl is not ready for the big city driving. Moving to Texas has also had a lot of advantages, and I am very happy being here. We love our neighborhood and the fact that most of Faith's school friends live right here in our neighborhood. It has helped all of us to heal, a lot. At first it took a lot of explaining that papa is still in the same heaven, but he just moved a little closer to Texas when we did(that was a tough one), the girls have finally understood that it is not where we are but how we remember him. WE have a lot more room to do special things for papa, and I think that has helped a lot. Texas has opened our hearts a little more and brought a little more life back into ours. I think when we were still in GA I was weighted down with all the surroundings, the memories at every corner and the wonder and anxiety of when he will come home. I think when we left, as hard as it was, it finally sunk in that he was not with 3ID anymore and he did not leave again when they left and he is already home, just not our earthly home. All in all, life in Texas is good. We are happy, fulfilled and enjoying life. We still miss our papa, my Joel, we still wish he was here with us, but we are finding ways to move forward everyday and with that we find more joy, peace and love. ps--The picture is one of the girls taken a few months ago with their love, Hank. Just wanted you all to see how much they have grown. Hank is an American Mastiff who has captured my girls hearts and he loves them just as much. Isn't he huge?! He is a huge ball of love most of the time.

2 Months!!! So Sorry

2007-09-12T20:27:00.000-05:00

Well, it has been 2 months since I last even glanced at my blog. I have been wanting to write and get everything down, but time has gotten away from me and I have been a little overwhelmed with all of my feelings and emotions. A lot has happened in the last few months, so I will do my best to give a good update and try really hard to keep on writing, it helps me so much. First of all, I have news, I am engaged. That is why the girls and I moved down to Houston. I met a really wonderful man just after Joel died, he is a vital part to my and the girls healing and has been a wonderful friend. We started our friendship just after Joel died and the friendship grew. Not only did we fall in love, but my girls fell in love with him too. He is wonderful with them and keeps them so happy, but most importantly he keeps JOel's memory alive with them too. He worked with Joel at Ft. Benning and in Iraq and the fact that he knew him and worked with him, helps all of us so much. He is patient with me, understanding and most importantly he knows all that I have been through, he was there as a friend through most of my grieving and has helped me so much. The marathon training is going well. I have been very diligent in my training and am very excited about the run. I was sick all last week and could not run, it was so frustrating to not be able to run. I am feeling better and am able to run and today I realized that running has been one of the best forms of healing for me, it has brought me so much clarity and eased some of the pain. I will do this run and I will finish it. I have never run more than 6 miles but in the last few months I have worked my way up to 16 miles and will hopefully do 18 this weekend. I know I can do this. I have been worried about not finishing it and disappointing myself and joel, but his mother told me today, "you will not disappoint him if you don't finish or don't do it. This is for you and do it for you." So I am, I have not bought the plane tickets yet, but that is on the list for this week. Besides, the girls are so excited that mama is running a marathon for Papa, they would be disappointed if I did not do it. Two weeks ago, we went down to Victoria TX to go to Justin's grandparents ranch. I ran my 16 miles out there on the old country road(it was exhilerating, but the cows and bulls scared me) and the girls and Justin came out and rode in a little mule(a four wheeler and golf cart combined)and supported me on my last 11 miles of my run. It was so cool to have them out there, the girls cheered and filled water bottles for me, they made the 16 miles worth it. Faith is loving school, she is in a huge school and it intimidated her at first, but she has found her place and is loving it. She misses her old friends, but has made new ones fast. I am so proud of my little girls. They are both so strong and doing so well. They keep me going and keep me grounded. Ok, I am going to keep trying to be better about this. I won't make any promises, but I will try harder!!! Thank you to you all who are here to support me, check in on me and keep me going. You have no idea how much those little messages me energize me through some of my tougher moments. Thank you again!! For those of you who are in the DC area or will be doing the Army Ten Miler or the Marine Corps Marathon, let me know, I would love to meet you. I will be running the ATM with a good friend of mine, she lost her husband (MAJ Douglas Sloan)on October 31, 2006(349 days after Joel. We have become such good friends, I could not imagine doing this without her. Take care everyone and talk to you soon!

Crazy month or so

2007-07-23T08:37:00.000-05:00

Ok, so I know I have been off for a while, but a lot has been going on since my last blog and a lot has changed. So here is the long and short of it all. After our trip to NY, I decided to start getting the girls on a good routine and schedule. So between working on school work(Faith is reading like a champ, adding, subtracting and telling time), cleaning the house and swimming, I have been trying to wrap my head around the move still and some other decisions I have made. Back in June, I signed up to run the Marine Corps Marathon with TAPS in honor of Joel. TAPS is a non-profit orginization for military family's who have lost a loved one. TAPS stands for tragedy assistance programs for survivors. It is a wonderful, wonderful orginization and I can't help but try and promote and raise money for this group. They have done so much for my girls. If you ever want to check out the site and all they do, it is . I am still questioning my thought process when I decided that this is the year to run the MCM. I have not been training, I have never run a marathon, but I am a runner. That is all that I have going for me. So far it is going ok, but a lot of the veteran marathoners I talk to tell me I should wait, that it is too soon without proper training. I know they are right, but I am not going out to finish under a certain time, I am just going out to finish, period. I have always wanted to run a marathon and when Joel got home for Iraq he was going to help me train for one. He would never run a marathon, but he could run for quite some time and help me keep pace. Since we never made it to that point, I decided I want to do this run, train and finish it, for him and for me. I know he will be there with me and I know on those hard, long days he is right next to me, but I still wonder if I am out of my mind. If I should wait till next year to make the run. I feel if I don't do it now, I will never do it. At the same time, I don't want to hurt myself, I don't want to over do it and I don't want to stir up a lot of emotions that I have finally put to rest. I guess I will figure it out. Well, I wanted to write more, but I have to much to do right now. I will try harder to get on sooner and on a more regular basis. Thanks for all of your support everyone!!!! Especially you Glo and MQ, you two are always checking up on me!

Had to Share

2007-06-15T18:45:00.000-05:00

I was flipping through my old e-mails a little while ago, I have a whole folder of the messages I recieved from Joel while he was in Iraq. I don't know why I did this, but I saved every one of his e-mails. Now I am so glad. Everyonce in a while I flip through it and read a few. The last few days I have missed him terribly, not that I don't always, but this has been a little more difficult. I think I had a sign tonight that he is still with me and sees all that happens because when I opened up this e-mail, one I had forgotten about, it still pertains to our daily lives. Just a little weird, but I wanted to share it with you all. Here is a little background on the e-mail, just so you aren't to confused, or me later when I go back and read this blog. The previous day I had written him and told him about an incident that happened in Publix. I was checking out, and the bagger, Scott(he was always our bagger in the afternoons, a nice older man). He said, "Everytime I see you, I cannot get over how all three of you have dimples, they are so big". Brenna goes, "Yes, mama has the biggest nipples". It was too funny!!! She meant dimples, but she said nipples. I laughed so hard as did everyone else around us. So, here is Joel's response. His love for all of us is so evident in this e-mail. Just wanted to share a piece of my husband with you all. Mary, I just cannot get you off my mind today (not the I am trying). I miss holding you! I cannot wait to get home. I hope you guys have a great day today. I laughed out loud when you explained the niples thing to me. That Brenna is so funny. I cannot wait to be home so I can hear and laugh at all of the funny things the girls say and do. It sounded like you had a good day yesterday. That is great. Well I know this is short but I have a ton of work to do so I will write again later. I love you and I miss you sooo much. Love, Joel

LIttle Tolerance

2007-06-14T10:30:00.000-05:00

Yesterday we flew home from NY. It was a good trip, minus the near 4 hour layover in Cleveland. Oh well. The funniest part of this whole trip is the conversation that I had in a little resturant/bar. I realized shortly through the conversation that I have very little tolerance for flattery, or come-ons. Here is the story: The girls and I were sitting in this resturant. We were having chocolate cake, shirley temples and I was having a beer. It had been a long day and a very long flight to come. So as we were sitting there, these two business men from NY sat at the table next to us. They saw our "meal" and chuckled and said, "what a great traveling meal". I laughed and said, "yep, we travel in style, why not make it a good day." I figured the conversations were over, but I was wrong. One of the men turned around and said, "I saw you sprinkle salt on your napkin, what was that for?" Me, being the nice woman in bar said, "it keeps your napkin from sticking every time you pick up your drink". Again, I thought I was done having a conversation with these random strangers, but I was wrong. So they proceeded to ask me how much do you sprinkle, where did I learn this....blah, blah, blah. I told them I had learned it in college and have done it every since. One of the men then turned around and said, "oh so that was two years ago?" What?!!? Come on, were they serious? Here I am, a slightly frumpy looking mom with a 6 year old and a very old looking 4 year old and they seriously just said it must have been two years ago that I was in college?!! I thought, "man, this guy needs some work!" So that would have put me at what, 15 when I had my first kid? Hmmm.....if I had the time, I would have lit into them about how much of jerk he was for just insinuating that I was that young with two older kids. Oh well, it just made me realize how little tolerance I have for men who try to hit on any random person. Yes, it can be considered flattery, I guess, but I certainly did not feel to flattered after that "compliment". I have laughed about it a lot today, especially when we were leaving and the girls said, "see ya later strangers" and one of the men said, "I do a lot of business in Houston, maybe we will see you around?" Yeah, maybe in this huge town you will just bump into me, but I just laughed and walked away.

In New York, Ft. Drum

2007-06-12T20:51:00.000-05:00

On Sunday the girls and I flew up to New York, Ft. Drum. We came to be with a friend of mine who lost her husband on Oct 31, 2006. I met her in Columbus and we have remained friends. I told her when I first met her that if she wanted me to be with her when her husbands unit came home, I would. So, we came up here. Whew, what a week it has been. I am so glad that I was here for her, so glad that I came. However, it was still difficult. A little more than I let myself beleive it to be. Watching the men walk in brought back all the memories, the thoughts and the feelings I had a year and a half ago when I did not see him come off the airplane. I am a little more drained than I expected to be, however, I am so glad that I could help someone else out. To support her, be here and be a friend. I wish I had had the same support, however, I am glad I had the people there with me that were there. We are heading back to Houston in the am, and we are all so ready to go home. I think this was a little much for the girls too, but we all handeled it pretty well. Bren did get sick last night, but I am not sure if she had a little 24 hour bug or if it was anxiety and fear. She told me last night that she was afraid I was leaving her, and I said, "of course I am not leaving, I never will." She then responded with, "but papa did." This statement broke my heart and I sat in the bathroom, with my ill feeling child bawling. I could not get over it. I am still having a hard time getting past it, but I can't let it keep us down. We talked about all of her thoughts and for a four year old, I think we got it pretty well cleared up, however, one never knows. I think Brenna is starting her second grieving phase and I know it won't be easy, but we will get through it. All in all, this was a good week, a tough one, but good for all of us, I think.

Your are right Glo.

2007-06-06T20:45:00.000-05:00

Glo, I went back and re-read some of my post, from June of last year, February of last year and a few others. I have healed, a lot. I have known this, but I think, tonight for the first time since Joel died and I finally accepted all that has happened, I truly saw how hurt I was, how angry, confused and just down right sad. I guess when you are in the moment and living it, you don't always see it, but when you are writing it, keeping a log, you have a huge track record to remind yourself of just where you were, how hard it was and how much it hurt. I just wanted to thank you Glo, you reminded me how much healing I have done and that I am in a better place now than I was a year ago. It is easy to forget what you have done for yourself and accomplished. It takes others to help us remember that we are healing and getting better. I guess I realized that not all of these post will be about my pain anymore, but about our life, our new journey; Our Life After Iraq. After all, this is what it is. Thank you Glo.

Joel's Birthday

2007-06-06T20:15:00.000-05:00

June 7th, 1971. A date I have not forgotten, even from the first moment that I started to know Joel. The strangest thing about this is, I have not told my girls that Joel's birthday was tomorrow, yet they both sensed it, they knew. I don't remember this being the case last year, but this year for sure, without a doubt it is. Bren, out of the blue today said, "mama, I am really missing papa and I know I will miss him more tomorrow." I said, why do you think that it is? She did not answer me and I said, "it is his birthday tomorrow." She said, "I know" and got teary. It killed me. My ever optimistic, mother hen of a child said, "well, why don't we make him a cake?" Now I am not sure if Faith had other motives here(she LOVES cake), but she had a darn good idea. Brenna thought so too, until she started to wonder how we were going to get a cake up to papa in heaven. So, we have worked out what kind of cake we are making, a carrot cake(more to this in a minute), and we kind of figured out how to send it to him. I think we are going to cut him a small slice, put it in a baggie and attatch it to a lot of ballons. I think he would get a huge kick out of that. The carrot cake, some would wonder why a carrot cake for a birthday cake, but not in our little family. Joel loved carrot cake and so does Faith. Bren loves the cream cheese frosting(who doesn't??) For Joel's 29th birthday, I made him a carrot cake, completley from scratch and if I could have grown, shelled, toasted, and chopped the pecans myself, I would have(that is how much love I put into this uneven, crumbly cake). Joel loved it, I don't think it was that great, but I know for him, it was the time and effort I put into it. I worked all day on it. From that point on, whenever the mood hit, he would stop by our grocery store and get a half of a carrot cake(just so I would not have to make it, or so he would not have to suffer the taste of it), we would both enjoy the whole thing. This will be the first time I have made a carrot cake since his 29th birthday, it will be good. It will be all three of us making the cake. I do not have a whole lot of anxiety about his birthday tomorrow, but at the same time it is another reminder that he is forever 34, not the 36 that he would have been if he were still with us. I miss him so much and I really miss not being able to buy him the gifts we would, instead I order flowers from the Ft. Myer Flower shop to be delivered to his headstone.

Long, long time

2007-06-03T21:28:00.000-05:00

Well, it has been a very long time since I have wrote, anything. I have been feeling the need to write a lot lately, but I have not had the time. I am sorry that I have been away, but I was dealing with important tasks at hand. As I have wrote before, we just moved to Houston. So far I am in love with the big city life. We have everything on hand that we need, but at the same time, we can travel down to Galveston in a heart beat, over San Antonio for a weekend visit, or out to J's g-parent's ranch for a different weekend visit. THe only thing missing is my parents and Joel's. Along with unpacking and getting settled the girls and I have been doing a little bit of traveling. So, needless to say, our lives have been a little more busy than usual. I did not think that was possible. We just went up to DC for taps, it was a wonderful event. I went with a very good friend of mine, she lost her husband on Halloween of last year. We had a great time, did a lot of walking, spent time out at Arlington, shared a few drinks and a lot of tears and hugs with other widows and "survivors". I am so glad that we did this trip together, but at the same time, it was another milestone and heartache for all of us. I am traveling up to Ft. Drum to go with her to welcome home soldiers and stand by her side at the airfield when the soldiers march in. Just as I did, she wants to be there, to have closure. I told her a long time ago I would be there with her and so next weekend the girls and I are going up there. It will be hard, once again, but I feel that I need to be there for her, for this woman who is almost one year behind me in this "grief" journey, or journey called life. A few more trips are lined up for the summer, but I will write more about those in the days to come. I have realized once again, that i have taken the time away from me to make time for the other things in life(activities, cleaning, kids, swimming....) but in order to stay sane, I need to continue this time for myself. I miss it and I miss my support.

Long time no bloggy, blog

2007-04-17T09:54:00.000-05:00

Hello All! Sorry it has been so long since I last blogged, but with boxes, listing this house, packing and finishing the house, I have had no time. Then to top it all off, I had scheduled a visit home to my and Joel's family, one week before we are scheduled to move. What a knuckle head move that was!!! I could hear Joel saying that to me the whole time I was home visiting! Oh well, it was a good visit, definatley needed by all and a lot of fun. It was 70 plus degrees when we left GA on the Thursday before Easter and 13 above zero(with wind chill) when we arrived in Sioux FAlls, SD. What a shock to the system that was!!! It snowed on the Wednesday after Easter, so the girls got to play in snow and build a snow-woman and a fort. They had a blast with Grandma and Grandpa, playing and digging in the snow. I think the grandparents were wore out before the culture shocked kids! Then the kicker to this whole story is, as we were leaving SD, it got nice, very nice, normal April weather. I was looking forward to getting back to GA and enjoying a little bit of sunshine, but no such luck!!! It was 42 degrees, overcast and gloomy with winds blowing at 25 miles an hour!! GEEEZE, didn't I just leave this stuff?! That was the kicker. The cold weather would not leave me alone, and all I wanted was some sunshine and warmth! WEll, I must get to my errands. I have a few things to do that I have waited and waited on, but I can no longer delay my trip on post. I hate going on post anymore. I have to do this, just for a few hours, then it will all be done for today.

New House

2007-03-21T13:03:00.000-05:00

Well, I have an offer pending on a new home in Houston. It is not where I said I thought I was going to be, but oh well. BEcause of jobs and such, I needed to start looking in the East Houston side, it is a place called Ataskacita(I am spelling it how it sounds, I know this is not right at all!) It is right near Lake Houston, but on the good side of the lake(the west side). It is a wonderful house, it does not need an ounce of work, but normal maintenance and upkeep. It has a good size backyard, which is unusual for that area and subdivision and it is two stories. Which means I can make the girls contain their messes up stairs and keep the main floor nice, neat and clean. OH how nice that will be!!! I am really excited about this move, not just because it is a new chapter, but because I feel like I belong in Texas, I fit in there, and like my daddy, we both feel like we could have been born and raised there, only we have never lived a day there(well except when I was in the Army, I was there for 2 months). I don't know if you have ever gone somewhere, a town, a city, a little town in the country and you immediatly got the sense that you fit in, that this is home, where you belong? That is how it is with me and tExas, always has been. Even with the horrendous traffic of Houston, and I hate to drive in traffic(it scares me) I could not feel more at ease about this move. It is almost like I am going home, but only......I have never been there before.

164th Posts

2007-03-21T12:56:00.000-05:00

As I logged on to do a little blogging, I saw on my homepage that I have a total of 153 post. Wow, that is a heck of a lot more than I ever thought I wrote, but also, can imagine if I had not missed to many weeks!! I would have triple that!! Haha, I thought it was funny as I looked at, sad though too. Sad to know that I have 163 postings that are 90% related to my pain, greif, loss and love. I know it is great to write, I know that it helps me express my feelings and thoughts in ways I normally cannot, but it is also sad to see in numbers the amount of postings, big and little that I have written, all based on pain and loss. I know as the girls get older and want to read about these things, it will be good for them to have. It is something that I don't know if I want them remembering the pain mama was in, but at the same time, it is soooo important for them to realize that we all experienced Joel's death differently, that all of the "mean mommy"(that is what bren calls me on my bad days) moments were more often than not a result of my grief. That their papa made more impressions on our lives than they can even remember now, even after he was gone. So anyways, 163 postings later and I am still here. A little stronger in some peoples opinion, a little more worse for the wear in my opinion!

Sleepless Nights

2007-03-14T15:09:00.000-05:00

I have had a lot of sleepless nights lately. I am not completely sure why, but I have a good idea. I know I have had a little more stress lately, with getting the house ready, trying to find a new home in TX, finding schools(anyone have suggestions, let me know!!! private or public), and all the other bull honkey that come with moving. Also, with the unit gone now, I have spent countless hours remembering the day Joel left, the day he came home on leave, what he said to me, the words he used and everything else that we talked about. I do that frequently, but in the last week or so, it has been much more frequent, if not constantly. I have been having such a hard time sleeping that the other night I got out of bed and started cleaning, thinking for sure that would make me tired. Well at 230am I got back into bed, still wide awake, thinking of Joel and the move, and decided to try and read. That should put anyone to sleep, right? Well at 3am I decided I needed to just close my eyes or I would still be awake at 630 with the girls. I was so tired yesterday, so much that I thought for sure I could take a nap. I layed down on the couch, covered up with a blanket and tried to fall asleep, not a chance! So for the first time since JOel died I took a sleeping pill, wowie, zowie I slept like a rock, did not remember any of the crazy dreams I may or may not have had. FAith actually had to wake me up this am adn say, "mama, don't we have school today!" I did not hear my alarm, nor do I remember my little one crawling into bed with me. That was a little scary too, I thought, geeze what if they needed me and I did not hear them because of the pills I took or there was an emergency and I slept right through it. Not a good thing. So, as much as I think I need to take them again tonight, I don't think I will. I need to be able to hear the girls if they need me, I need to be able to get up running if need be. Oh well, one sleep fulfilled night should do it for the next month or so, right?!! My mom tells me she never slept while all of us kids were home. I sure as heck hope that is not the truth.

On the move, once again

2007-03-11T21:51:00.000-05:00

Well, as the title reads, the girls and I are on the move again. This time it will be the last move for a long, long time. I am ready to be done moving. We have decided to leave Columbus, for good. I love GA. I do. It is just with the unit leaving this week for Iraq, once again, I have realized that it is time for me to be on my way. Columbus has given us all we need and will get. We have gained so much from this part of our life, but it is time to move on. A very, very good friend of mine left on Friday for Iraq. I saw him and his family last Friday for our good bye's. I hugged him and said, "stay safe, be careful over there." He said, "I will". The same thing Joel said the last day I saw him, I hugged him harder and cried even more. It was so hard to say good by to him. I know he will be ok, I know he knows the situation over there, he was there when Joel died and saw men die. I just cannot get past it. not today anyways. Even with that said, before all of this happened, I had already made the decision to get on the move. The girls and I will be moving to Houston, TX. Or rather, on the way outskirts of Houston in a town called Lake Conroe. Or I think that is the area that we are going to move through. This seems to be the best area for us right now. I have been seing someone, for a while, and I know this is the man that I want to be with, that the girls love, and that Joel would want us to be with. Joel knew him in a work relationship and I think he knew the type of man he is. So, we will be on the move, down to meet up with him. He left last week for a job down there and the girls and I will take three months to get ready, while he gets settled and finds a home. I have known this man for a while, and the fact that he knew Joel, that he is not afraid to talk to the girls abouth their papa makes it that much easier. Also, the fact that Joel's mother understands and is supportive makes it a little easier too. That is important to me, and probably will be for a while. I just wanted to share this. I have more to share, but I am to tired to keep writing now. I am seeing double and am hoping that all the words are spelled write!

Thank You

2007-03-11T21:40:00.000-05:00

Hello all! Thank you so much for you concern and check-ins. I appreciate it so much. I read the e-mails tonight and thought, oh my goodness, I need to drop a note and check in. Yes, I am doing ok. A lot has happened in the last few weeks since I have been on. I will catch you up in the next blog. Yes, I am ok after all of the storms here in GA. My neighborhood, thank God, did not get hit at all. We had rain and wind, but no damage. I actually did not know about the storm until it was on us. I do not get cable and usually listen to cd's in the car, so I am almost always out of the loop on the weather. When I heard the sirens, I thought I better check the weather on line. Thank God, once again. Most of the North side of Columbus was hit pretty hard and the house that the girls and I used to share with Joel had a good amount of damage. I learned this from a neighbor the other day. I had a few trees cut down right before I moved out, just in case of this situation and the two trees I left up ended up falling and damaging the home and storage shed. I know this sounds selfish, but I am glad we were not there for that. We are all doing well. I am now 30 as of the 3rd and Faith is now 6. SHe is always reminding me too, so I only feel as if I am getting older by the day. Today as we were skating, well the girls, my skates are in need of repair right now, they were both flying and falling but getting back up and just going. I looked at them both and told them how proud of them I was and that they were so brave and strong. I felt like the luckiest mom on earth. If you ever have seen speed skating, you know how hard it is and how scary it is when they go fast and make the quick passes and turns. My girls are brave!! I realized then, after another parent skated by and said, they are the lucky ones, you make them brave and strong, that yes, I do. I do give them a lot and I never look back at it twice. I just keep going. That is what Joel would want, but that is, most important, what I want. Well, I am going to share another message with you all. In a moment. Be prepared. Also, Happy Birthday Glo!! I am glad I helped you through a moment in your life, at a time when I did not think I could help anyone, not even myself. Thank you, thank you!!!!!

The visit

2007-02-13T22:33:00.000-06:00

Have you ever done something or gone somewhere and all the sudden, everything just clicks? It all seems to fit and everything seems to be ok? For me, my visit to Arlington last weekend was just that. Something clicked and I realized that it is ok for me to move on, it is ok for me to look forward and see another future and life. Another life, without Joel here in bodily form, but still very much a presence in spirit. As the girls and I were laying roses on Saturday and visiting with other widows, it just clicked, Joel would want me and the girls to be happy, he would want us to have a full and love filled life. He would want me to do what is going to make me and the girls happy. He would not want me staying around the Army post becuase that is what we last had or he surely would not want me moving to DC to be close to his grave. He would hate that, he always hated DC/VA area for living and did not want the girls growing up there. He would however want me to be somewhere that we are happy, somewhere that we can grow and live a full life. I am ready to make a decision now, I am ready to move forward and get going on this life. Joel will forever be a part of our lives and a constant reminder of what we once had, he will still keep us going. He will forever be MY HUSBAND and never forgotten, by me or our girls. I know he would support me in this decision and endeavor. We will get there, and we will suceed.

What makes Faith Happy

2007-02-12T21:03:00.000-06:00

My Faith, my little girl who is constantly listening and absorbing, taking it all in and keeping it all in. The little girl is afraid of her own emotions when it comes to mama, but with others, it is ok to let it out. She does not like to cry in front of me, she is afraid it will make me sad, so she holds it in. Same with Joel, she does not like to bring it up a whole lot, because she is afraid it will make me sad. This is tough for me to swallow at times, but others, I do ok....Enough of the explanation...here is the story. Today I went to pick Faith up from school, she stayed in the after school program because I was running around doing errands and ran late. When I went in, the lady who runs the program substituted in her class today and told me a story. In religion today they were talking about what makes us happy, they had to do an project of who was happy, then they had to tell the class what makes them happy. Faith's happy moment was "going to see papa's grave". I cried, but tears of joy for once. It made me so happy to hear she was ok with this. I asked her a ton of times, but she never really responded, so to hear this today just made me so happy. I asked her and she just grinned. It made my day. I think a few things that helped us both were the fact that I made a big deal out of this, we made little stepping stones that we laid at the headstone, took pictures, bought wipes just to clean his headstone and a friends husbands, MAJ Sloan. I think we did it right this time and she knows that it is ok to do these things and talk about it. That papa is still a part of our lives.

I'm back!!

2007-02-11T15:45:00.000-06:00

Well after a few weeks of not being able to pull up my blog, I finally figured out what the issue was and here I am! I hope I have not lost any of you forever!! I had tried everything and then all the sudden, an idea popped in my head and I fixed the whole problem! Yeah me, it only took me 2 weeks or more to do it!! In the last few weeks a lot of things have happened. The girls and I got to me president Bush, (I may have blogged this already), that was an incredible time for all three of us and we just got the photo's they are amazing and it is great to have these memories. Faith was asked if she wanted to start racing with her speed team!! Yeah!! I was pretty excited about that and so was she! She is flying around the rink and doing really well. Me on the other hand, I have a lot left to learn. Bren has started skating a lot too and she is going to be a good skater, she is fast. I think it is the shorter legs and the big ol' muscles she has in those legs from all the dancing she does. The girls and I just went to DC this last weekend to lay roses at Arlington with a group of people. It was pretty incredible and pretty darn cold. I could hardley beleive how cold it was. We had a great time, Bren played with other kids and realized that she is not the only one who lost her papa(or daddy). Faith took a ton of pictures and totally grasped the concept of why we were there. The patriot guard from DC/VA/MD were there and helped, it was pretty awesome to meet some of these people and thank them for all they do for our soldiers and their families. For instance, I know that they go to funerals and memorial services for the fallen, but also if they know someone or a group will be protesting outside of a funeral or memorial service, they are there to block these idiots from the family and friends. This happened at a memorial service for my husband, it made me feel so good to know this. It was just great to meet them and say thank you. On the way home we all saw some soldiers, I said thank you to them, but that is all I could say. I wanted to say more, but then again.....they were heading back to Iraq, or just coming home and I sure did not want to put a damper on their leave time. Oh well. Well, I am going to try harder to post and get things on as often as possible. I am staying busy trying to finish up the house and get things done so I don't have to work anymore on this thing.

Kids and their Antics

2007-01-23T22:44:00.000-06:00

My kids, they keep me going and are the reason I get out of bed everyday. Today, a friend went with me and Bren to get Faith. She gets into the car and she looks as me and says, "haha, your getting old. I will be 6 and you will be 60!!" I tried so hard to act offended, but all I could do was laugh. I know what she meant, but man, do I really look more like 60 than 30? Then this evening we were starting a fire in the fire pit and she was helping me, she was my paper crumbeler so I could shove it between the wood. She stood there while I lit the fire(I used a little lighter fluid) and when it shot up, she stood there again and said, "hahaha, mama, you are getting good at fires now that you are old." Geeze!!! Do I look old?! I did not laugh at first, but then she said, "mama, until J. taught you, you could not make a fire, now you are older and you know how!" Hmmm.....does a month really age an adult that much?!?! Maybe through a child's eyes, but I don't see any more wrinkles than I did yesterday. Just a few more grey hairs!(I am serious too). I have a good little amount of those. Thanks Dad!! He was gray in his 30's, or at least that is all I can remember. Needless to say, my kids keep me going. My kids are the reason I get up everyday and make it through. Even if they think I am old, I am going to keep getting up and going, for them. I love those girls and all that they give me, daily.

Hurt

2007-01-18T15:49:00.000-06:00

Have you ever heard the song Hurt, by Christina Aguilera? I heard it today for the first time. I cried so much when I heard it. It related so much to me and what I have been feeling, most of it anyways. Especially today. Here are the lyrics. Seems like it was yesterday when I saw your face You told me how proud you were, but I walked away If only I knew what I know today Ooh, ooh I would hold you in my arms I would take the pain away Thank you for all you've done Forgive all your mistakes There's nothing I wouldn't do To hear your voice again Sometimes I wanna call you But I know you won't be there Ohh I'm sorry for blaming you For everything I just couldn't do And I've hurt myself by hurting you Some days I feel broke inside but I won't admit Sometimes I just wanna hide 'cause it's you I miss And it's so hard to say goodbye When it comes to this, oooh Would you tell me I was wrong? Would you help me understand? Are you looking down upon me? Are you proud of who I am? There's nothing I wouldn't do To have just one more chance To look into your eyes And see you looking back Ohh I'm sorry for blaming you For everything I just couldn't do And I've hurt myself, ohh If I had just one more day I would tell you how much that I've missed you Since you've been away Ooh, it's dangerous It's so out of line To try and turn back time I'm sorry for blaming you For everything I just couldn't do And I've hurt myself by hurting you

The last few weeks

2007-01-18T15:40:00.000-06:00

The last few weeks.....where to begin. Well, the non-smoking is going ok. I have had my few setbacks here and there, but I have not gone back to full smoking. I have not had more than a few on the days I slip. That is a huge, huge step for me. I have still been subbing at Faith's school, but I took this week off. I have been a little on edge the last few weeks, not quite myself. I am not sure exactly what it is, but I am so sick of it. I am tired of feeling sad, angry at times and just plain in a funk. I think I do know what it is, but I am not completely positive. Last year, on January 9th, I went to the hanger to meet one group of soldiers coming back from Iraq. On this night, I also met with one of Joel's friends before he met any of his family. We spent almost 2 hours talking and crying and it was so good for me. Then I stood in the back of the hanger and watched them march in. It was one of the hardest things I did since burying Joel. I have had a hard time this month with that. I am constantly thinking of it. This year, on the 9th I had a particularly bad day and all I could think of was that day, meeting that person and how much I cried when there was not a soldier for me to walk up to, when my soldier was never going to walk in to that hanger. Then two days later there was another big event, one that was hard for me to accept for a day or two. The girls and I got to meet President Bush when he was at FT. Benning meeting with the soldiers and family's of fallen soldiers. It was pretty amazing and intense all at the same time. I was honored to have met him, but because my husband died and my children lost their papa, we got to meet President Bush. I just stood there looking at him, remember how much Joel respected him and liked him as a president. How much Joel would have loved to have been there, but he was the reason why we were there. Since that day, all I can think of is Joel, that he is really gone, that.....oh I hate this. Everyone has been more excited about the fact that I got to meet him and the girls got to see him and have their picture with him. I don't know if anyone realizes how hard it was too, how much it took out of me. That is partially my fault too, I really didn't tell anyone. I am just missing him so much this month. I am also seeing all of his unit get ready to leave again, in March. I don't know if I can handle that right now. I really don't.

Happy New Year and farewell to a 10 year habit

2006-12-31T19:10:00.000-06:00

Happy New Year to all! I hope the new year brings you a lot of joy, happiness and great beginings. The girls and I started this New Year out with bowling a few games today with a friend. It was a lot of fun, and the girls are getting really good at it. Faith is so much stronger than I thought she was! Tonight is going to be a movie and probably an early bedtime. We are all pooped. No big plans for us. Just hopes for a great and blessed New Year. As I start this New Year, I am hoping to succeed in giving up my 10 1/2 year habit of smoking. I started a few weeks ago of taking medicine to start quitting and tomorrow is my day to give it all up. I think for the first time in all of my attempts to quit, this is going to be my succesful one. I never took a prescription drug to quit before, but this one is working so far, I have gone from a pack and a half to about 4 or 5 a day and could easily do less than that. I am really excited about this and feel very good about this. Just wanted to share this. For the first time in a year, I actually feel that I can handle all of this without a secondary habit, and that I can beat this habit just as Joel always wanted me to. Wish me luck!

The last few days

2006-12-28T19:02:00.000-06:00

Well, the last few days have been somewhat strange. I guess you could say maybe I have been in a little bit of denial the last few days. I think because of Christmas and all of its meaning(especially for the girls), I tried really hard to be upbeat and "ok". The last two days, I think I have finally realized that I was in a little bit of denial and playing a good game of "who can pretend the best". I decided to stay here with the girls in Georgia. I am realizing it has been harder than I thought it would be, I really miss our family and being with them. This year I am also not in the fog as I was last year, so things are so much more clear and so much more difficult too. I am glad that I stayed here with the girls, the slow pace we have had is nice and the relaxation has been a lot o fun with the girls. I guess, things are not what I like to pretned they can be or what I can handle. I guess I have been in soewhat of a fantasy world, or maybe that is where I always live. I just wish life could be as easy as I expect it to be. Se la Vi.

Christmas Balloons

2006-12-25T16:48:00.000-06:00

Merry Christmas to all. Today that girls and I followed through with our letters and "sending" them to papa. We received a balloon kit from Joel's sister, which made it so nice to fill the balloons together and let the girls pick what colors they thought papa would want. They picked a lot of pink and purple!! So as we were getting the ballons all ready and tied to our letters and drawings, we talked about what we wanted to say. Brenna got really sad and started to cry, but she had a huge smile on her face when her balloons made it over the trees and way up into the sky. Faith just had a huge smile and knew that papa was going to love her letters and drawings, she wrote it all herself with my help to spell. I will miss the day when she starts writing her own and I won't know what her thoughts were to him. The strangest thing happened when we walked outside though. I need to give some background first so you can understand the story. A few years ago, we all went to a birds of prey show at a Garden here in GA. We loved it and went quite a bit to it. Joel's favorite bird to see was the Falcon. He just loved the falcon and was amazed by it. The last Christmas we had with him, we walked outside and we saw this falcon(not a common site in town) sitting in the tree in our neighbors front yard. We looked and looked and just stood there for a few minutes, the bird was so close but he did not move, then finally he flew off. We did not see it again for a long time, then the day Joel was leaving for Iraq after r and r, we were getting in the car and there in that same tree was the falcon again. WE just looked at eachother and said, that is so weird. Never really thinking about it. After Joel died, I think I forgot about the bird for a long time. Then last year in the spring, I saw the bird a few times in a row, twice in my neighbors tree where it always was, then once in the backyard in my tree. It was so strange, but at the same time so comforting. It always made me feel as if Joel was a part of that with me. Who knows, maybe he was. Well today, when we were going outside to let the ballons go, sitting in the tree next to our house, there was a falcon, he took off when we were walking in the yard and flew over the house twice, then was gone. It was so strange and all I could say to the girls was, there is a Falcon, papa's favorite bird. To see that bird, in this area(we have moved since I last saw the falcon) was so strange and certainly not common. However, it made me feel calm. Who knows, maybe my Joel is with me when I spot that bird. So our christmas has ended on a good note. We have made it through in one peice and better for the wear. Merry Christmas to All!

Texas Margarita's

2006-12-23T18:29:00.000-06:00

As I sit here getting ready to write letters, I am drinking a new favorite drink of mine, Texas Margarita's. They are yummy and so, so easy!!! It is a cheater recipe, but if you like the drink and just want a small batch, here is a good recipe. 1 12oz Limeade 1 Tecate Beer(needs to be this brand) 1 can 7-up(12oz)(sprite works to, but not as good) 1/2 can(6oz)or to taste Tequila I mix this in a pitcher(I have a small blender)and serve on ice. Then I put the leftovers in the freezer and let it get icy to drink later. You can also mix it in a blender(if you have a large on, or else you will have a huge blowout!!) If you like the drink, try this! It does not sound so great, but it is good, or I think it is.

Merry Christmas Wherever You Are

2006-12-23T18:25:00.000-06:00

Have you ever heard the song Merry Christmas Wherever You Are? by George Straight. It just came on my IPod and as I sit here listening to it, I know it aimed at those who have split up or divorced, but it made me so sad. I know where my Joel is, I know what has happened to him, but we have put up his stocking still. I know this will become a tradition and that is ok with me, but damn it, I wish I was filling it with trinkets and junk instead of letters and drawings. And putting a little envelope under the tree with the gift I have decided to do for him. I have donated $750 to Faith's school in his memory and will donate $3o0 to four children who lost their father 3 years ago in Iraq and just recently lost their mother to a cruel and heartless murder. These are the gifts I know he would have done if he were here, so I want to share this with my girls and make this a continuous gift we do yearly. So, to my Joel, as I sit here, getting ready to write my Christmas gifts to you, I want you to know that I miss you dearly. That I love you more than life itself and will always. You gave me so much and filled my life with so much joy. I miss our talks, our phone calls when you were on the way home from work, even though I was going to see you in 15 minutes, it seemed to be the only time we could catch up before the girls ganged up on you. I miss our arguments and battles about everything from kids, life to silly work stuff. I miss your smile and beautiful black hair. I miss your strength and courage, but mostly I miss your presence and love that was unending, no matter how upset your were. Merry Christmas my love and I pray that you have a beautiful and wonderful Christmas celebrating with Jesus. All my love, forever and Always, ME

Random poem from 3am on a sleepless night

2006-12-22T11:03:00.000-06:00

Our Road is not easy, full of bumps and curves. Our load is not light, laden with burdens of all kinds. Our thoughts are laced with, what do I have to do, how to get it all done, where do I go from here. Our dreams dance with memories of loved ones who have gone before us. Our faith in our God keeps us strong. Our love for those above moves us through each day. With faith, hope and courage we will continue through each day. We will find the strength to call on our Lord for grace, courage, strength and love. For our faith in a greater world will lighten our load, ease our bumpy road, fill our thoughts with love, hope and joy for all to come, and keep our dreams full of the memories that keep us strong and fill our hearts and dreams with the joys we once had. May our memories never fade, may our dreams never dwindle. May our love for our God and our loved ones above keep us steady, strong and braced in His Grace.

Random Acts of Kindness

2006-12-21T08:00:00.000-06:00

Well, yesterday I realized that there are wonderful people in this world. I was on the phone with my mom and I heard the doorbell ring. I walked out to the door and found the typical boxes that arrive around the holiday season. As I opened the first box, I found wrapped packages. I looked at the card and saw the girls name on it and it said, "Love Santa". I was baffeled at first. I was thinking who in the world sent this?! Then I decided to look at the packing slip and I saw the name on it. I burst into tears and felt good all at the same time. The packages for my girls came from a friend of Joel's. Joel went through the officer Advance course with him and I met him once or twice, the last time being at Joel's funeral at ANC. The fact that this man took the time to think of my girls and send them present from essentially a perfect stranger to them. I am so greatful to this man and what he has done for my girls. I don't think he knows how happy he is going to make them and what he has done for them and me.

Stories we tell about Santa

2006-12-19T21:22:00.000-06:00

I was curious if anyone has any "good" stories they tell their kids about Santa, just to keep them beleiving a little longer? I told a good one tonight to the girls, they asked how Santa will get into the house because we don't have a fireplace. So I did my best improtu and let my imagination go to work. I told the girls that he sprinkles magic dust on the roof and poof a fireplace appears, he slides in, does his magic and then slides out and the fireplace disappears. (i thought it was good!) Then the girls said they wanted to stay awake to see this cool thing happen(oops). So I said, you cannot do that! He will know if you are awake and then he won't come until you are asleep!! But, if he is really rushed, he will pull out his magic sleeping dust and sprinkle some around the house and you fall asleep fast!!! Then, he comes down the chimney and is in and out super fast! The next thing you know, Santa has come and gone and you fell asleep!! They bought it for now, but I wonder how long that story will work! This is the fun part I love and I think Joel would have laughed his butt off at me!

Better Spirits

2006-12-19T21:16:00.000-06:00

Well, I am guess you could say I am a little better spirits than last night and the day before. Faith had her first school christmas program and it was so cool! I love how they integrated all of the kids, even the little ones into it and she just loved it. She almost fell off of the stage because she was twirling her dress, but it was funny. She just cracks me up and I know Joel was laughing his butt off because he probably had a better seat than I did! I made it through this program with out crying. Something I did not expect to happen. I was expecting to have a crying fit and loose it, but I made it!!! I guess today I have accepted that I am doing ok this Christmas and time does not stop. I cannot change the holiday and I cannot take it away from my girls. All I can do is acknowledge my pain, accept the pain, look forward, move through it and keep going. I have known this, but I guess, like most human beings at this time of year, I forget those "normal" things and focus on all of the hub-bub and activities that this season brings to us. Before you know it, you are deep in pain and not sure where or how to get out of it. It is ok. I have wonderful friends to share this holiday season with. A friends new baby to spoil(good to have baby therapy every once in a while) and snuggle with while everyone else is busy with the "toys". Two beautiful girls who are going to be delighted when Santa comes. It will be decent year, that I am sure!

The week before....

2006-12-18T20:14:00.000-06:00

Well, it is exactly one week before Christmas. One week. This time last year, I was still in the fog. Still trying to understand the fact that my husband was gone forever and not coming home. Still grasping at reality and trying to fight for air. Still trying to get my oldest to listen and talk about papa, still fighting, period. This year is a little easier, but more difficult at the same time. I am actually decorating for this year(ok, I have tree up and two decorations out.... not much compared to the whole house being done, the mantle lit up and decorations galore), putting gifts under the tree and shopping before the day before. Last year I did not shop until I got to my parent's house and then, I only did it two days before the holidays. I am getting there, but Joel always did the gift picking, he always got the perfect things and I flubbed a lot. He always did the "meat" cooking on Christmas(we grilled steaks and did all the normal trimmings, no turkery), he did the videoing and picture taking. Things that I don't have time to do, things that I just don't think about doing. Those little details make the holidays so much more difficult. Those little moments make the days longer and more painful. Everyone seems to think that after the first year things get easier, they all the sudden disappear. They don't. They never will. I knew this from when my brother died, but I guess now it is even more present in my life. You find ways to handle the little things that bring the sting to your eyes that tell you that a cry fest is on the way. You find moments that help ease the pain. However, loosing a spouse when you are so young makes you wonder, how long will this last. How long will these "stinging" moments be a part of my life. How long will I worry about how my children will accept this. There are so many questions and doubts. Christmas and this season only brings it to a clearer point for me. I know my love is spending Christmas with Jesus, again. I know he is in heaven and celebrating in a way we can only imagine. I know all these things, however, it does not make it easier. Not today anyways. Not last night and not right now.

Lack of time, or is it sanity

2006-12-12T21:31:00.000-06:00

It seems as though I am getting less and less time to sit down and write down my thoughts and feelings these last few months. I do not know if it is lack of time or a lack of sanity at this point. I like to think it is time, but a partof me feels that a tiny bit of in-sanity and poor organization has a lot to do with it! Between moving, being sick, having sick kids and getting ready for christmas(something I am not sure I am ready to handle full throttle yet), there does not seem to be enough time in the day or night. Moving, most of it is done. Not a lot to do but get settled, put the excess in the attic and de-clutter. Going into half the size of a home is tough!! Sick, not fun, not fun. The worse illness I can remember having in a very long time. Flu and strep, all at one time. Nasty, Nasty stuff! Enough said! Sick kids, this is never fun, because you want to just take it away for them, but you can't. I wish I could because Brenna says to me(she is the sick one this week), "mama, I don't want Brenna to be sick, I don't like this at all!" It is cute but so sad at the same time because other than the medicine and lots of hugs and cuddles you can't do a darn thing for them. Christmas........don't know where to start or where to go. Last year was such a damn fog that I don't remember half of it, I think between the crying and the wine, it is all a big blur. I am not sure what feelings are going to attack me and take over, I am not sure how any of this is going to go. I just want my girls to have a great christmas day and enjoy the holiday. I am having a hard time doing the shopping, Joel always loved to pick out the girls gifts. He was good at it too. I am having a hard time putting up the decorations, he hated them because I "cluttered" the house, but always thought it looked very pretty when I was done. It is just plain hard, all of it. I know it will be for a long time, but I have to be able to pull through it for the girls. Of all things, this is what Joel would want. He would want me to get things going so they have fun and enjoy the holiday and the meaning of it. He would not want them not really knowing the full experience of the holiday. WE will get there. Maybe not this year, and maybe not next, but soon. Very soon. This is why I feel so insane, somedays I want to do it and just get it done, others I don't even want to look at it or think about it and just pretend that it is not here. Oh well. Insane or sane, Christmas is here and I can't avoid it.

The balloons

2006-12-10T20:28:00.000-06:00

Yesterday the girls and I went to a birthday party and the girls got balloons. As you know we always let balloons go for Joel. When we got home Bren asked me if she could let her balloon go for Joel, I said sure honey that would be really sweet. I am talking to Joel's mom at this time, so she is listening a little and I am repeating what is happening. Bren let's her balloon go and I said, oh honey we should have moved away from the big tree(she was right under a huge oak tree, there was no way this balloon was going to go up through it!). We always say something when we let balloons go and she said, on her own, "I love you papa and I want you to have my ballon, but I know it got struck in the tree. I hope you can get it." It was so sweet, but still so funny. I was proud of her for this, very proud. Faith went out back and let her's go, but she did not want anyone around, so I am not sure what she said, or if she said anything. It kind of made me sad, but at the same time, proud that she wanted that moment to herself.

Brenna's Ornament and Faith and the stocking

2006-12-10T20:24:00.000-06:00

Well, I finally bit the huge bullet! I finally put up the christmas tree. I have had a "naked" (that is what the girls call it) christmas tree in my living room since thursday and today I finally put it off and decorated it. The girls had a great time, they loved looking at the decorations, they don't remember a whole lot of me since we did not put one up last year. I put away all of Joel's ornaments, ones that I bought him, ones he really loved, ones with both of our names on it, they were all wrapped back up and put away. I took them out, showed them to the girls, talked about them, came to tears, then would wrap them back up and put them away. I am not ready to have them on the tree and I guess I kind of want to put them away for the girls so they can have them one day when they are older. They thought they were pretty cool and a few of them they asked to put up, so we did. Before we could get to the tree, I could not find my lights, I know where they are now, but not when we wanted them. So we ran up the road to K-mart and bought lights and looked at ornaments. The girls found these soldier ornaments that are in dress uniform, standing on a rock with a flag and an eagle behind it. They found these and started to look at them and push the buttons on them. This was the kicker, the first song was the army song(or navy/marines....) then the next song was, I will be home for Christmas. I stood there and bauled and bauled. I could not get a grip. The girls really wanted one, but we could not find one that was Army, so I said, sorry...we will have to look somewhere else. Not really intending to, I did not know if I could handle that. Then we found one more Army man in dress uniform, Bren begged and begged for it. I had to let her get it because Faith looked at me very matter of factly and said, "Mama does it remind you of someone?" I said yes it does. Then she said, "well then we HAVE to get it!" That was the end of the discussion. So now I have this ornament in my house, on my tree. I know I will become ok with it over time, but it is just so hard when I hear, I will be home for christmas. Then to top it off, Faith found Joel's stocking. I was getting ready to put it away when she said grabbed it from me and said, "No! WE have to hang it mama, please!" So I decided we will hang it over by Joel's flag box and other "proud of my husband" stuff around it(I call it my shrine for Joel). Then we will write letters to Joel and put them in the stocking and on Christmas day we will tie them on balloons and let them go. I think that will be a special tradition we could do for years.

Hot or Cold

2006-11-28T22:11:00.000-06:00

Have you ever looked at the sink handle, the ones that have either a red and blue strip running across the back of the handle, telling you the direction to turn your handle in, or the ones with the blue dots and the red dots(telling you the temperature). I am sure you have!! I have a couple of those in my "new" old house and I grew up knowing that red was hot and blue was cold. It was just normal. Have you ever looked at these handles, lately, as an adult, and thought.....now which one makes the water hot? If you have not, I feel really dumb right now! In the last few weeks, I have done it so often that I am starting to feel like I am showing early on set alzheimers. I know a lot of it is widows moments and just being plane busy with substituting and the girls, but some times, I am not so sure. I just realized today, as I was trying to stay sane and not have to many "Joel" moments(I was substituting in Kindergarten, can't go to emotional on them, they will go crazy!!!) that I was having a lot of "moments" of forgetting what was hot or cold on the faucet. I decided to just blame it on widow moments and not anything else. For goodness sake, I grew up with those "color identifiers", I should know this!! Haha. I hope some of you got a little laugh, and if you experience this too........maybe we can relate!

SPC Mitchel Mutz

2006-11-26T11:54:00.000-06:00

On Wednesday, Nov 22, I drove through a small town in South Texas. We were going to a small ranch community near Vicotria TX. As we were driving through Floresville Tx, we drove behind a motorcade of 12 police vehicles escorting a hearse. I knew then that they were bringing home another fallen soldier. I just knew it in my heart. I think I sat there and cried and cried as we drove through the small town, drove through this little community that we saw supporting this soldier, what he gave and his family. My mind immediately went back to the day Joel was brought home. The day that seemed to take forever. So when I returned home, I looked up this small town, and found out who the soldier was. He was a young 23 year old man, from Falls City, TX. He was on his second deployment to Iraq and only a few months into it. He was killed in the same manner Joel was and left behind a mother, father, brother and grandparents. My heart goes out to this family. I understand all to well the pain. I will keep this young man in my prayers and his family. I am greatful that I drove up on this, it made me realize once again how strong on a country we live in and how greatful so many people are.

Random thoughts

2006-11-22T11:24:00.000-06:00

It is hard to beleive that one year ago, I was moving through pea soup thick fog. That one year ago I had just buried my husband and tried to move through each day. The 18th of November was the day that we buried Joel in Arlington. On that day this year, I thought of it all day long, what we did at certain times, who I saw, what I did and how I felt. I re-read articles from the funeral and relived that day. I forgot to send flowers and I regret that, very much. I just realized that I did not send flowers for Thanksgiving and I am a little upset with myself. I am going to call right now and put a order in to get it there as soon as possible. I feel like so bad about that. I know it is only his burial site and he is spiritualy not there, it is his body that God leant him, but....I still feel that I need to decorate and take care of him as if it was him. I know that sounds so silly.....but I do not have anything else left to do for him in that way. So....where does this leave me right now. Feeling guilt and regret that I forgot to do something that has seemed so important. I hate widow moments, I hate the forgetfulness that I have and I hate the moments that trigger the feelings of sadness, loneliness and regret. I miss him so much.

Long Time

2006-11-21T23:07:00.000-06:00

It has been a while since I have posted anything on the site. Not that I am giving this, not right now. I have just been so busy, with work, the girls, our activities, the house and a very good friend, who has recently become more than a friend. I have been plain busy. More about the friend later, when I am ready to talk about it. I am on a little vacation with the girls right now, down in TX, enjoying the warmer weather than we are used to. We are all enjoying our selves and having a wonderful time. This Thanksgiving is approaching fast and today I am finding myself more unprepaired for it than I thought I was. Last year, Thanksgiving was a fog. We were at a friends house, enjoying the day and company...going through the motions. This year, we are really doing it. The fog has lifted some and we are actually going through the motions and having a Thanksgiving that will truly carry the meaning of the holiday. I am not sure how to do it. I am not sure how to move throught this day. Everyone says the first's are always the hardest, and damnit do I know that from last year and when Bradley died, but they never told me what the second would be like and with Brad, it was so different the second year, I had Joel. I spent Thanksgiving with his family and him. I never went through the second's of Brads's death without Joel in my life. He filled that void, he gave me purpose and joy. I still have purpose and I still have joy, but with these two little girls and their big beautiful eyes looking at me, how do I fulfill their dreams for great holiday wishes. How do I make sure they are satisfied? I know we will make it and I know I can do it, but I just want to make sure that we get there with little disaster and catastrophy. As of this moment, I am not sure. I know I will fulfill some of their dreams this weekend, they get to ride horses this weekend and spend time on a real "ranch", two things Faith has talked a lot about. The horse riding has been a dream since she was 3 and something that she has never forgotten. Her papa promised that he would take her riding some day, when she was older, so I am trying to help fulfill that promise. I just pray it is what he and she would have come up with. I worry that with the holidays coming up, I will fall back into the abyss. I will sink away again and not return. I don't want that to happen. I remember Christmas last year, I always go to midnight mass or a mass on christmas eve and that year, I sat on the couch in my mom's living room and curled up into a ball in the corner of the couch and bauled, telling my parent's I could not go, that I was not ready. I fell into the abyss and slowly dug my way out. I do not want to do that again. I do not want to fall away from my children again. They need me more now than ever. Faith has started her grieving process and I cannot be away from her. It took her a year to start grieving and she needs me now more than ever. She needs a strong mama and I cannot let the holidays and what they meant to Joel and I pull me away from her in her time of need. I did not realize Faith started grieving until I had a little talk with her teacher. I spoke with the school counselor, who then spoke with Faith and we concluded that she just moved into her grieving period, that she finally accepted the death and what it meant. I hate that she has to go through this, in a way, again, and I hate that I have to enter the fog again. But, for my child, I will. My baby needs me and I need her to be healthy and ok with Joel's death. I need her to understand it and accept it and the holidays that come too. So this is only another reason why I need to get through this, to move forward and stay strong. I will figure it out, I just am not sure how to at this moment. I just do not know what the holidays will bring. However, like my therapist said, "you cannot anticipate what you will feel on those days. They have not happened yet. If you try to anticipate your feelings, you will be predicting your mood and the setting for those days." I get it. I understand that, but still......the worry and fear can be overwhelming.

One last post

2006-11-06T18:51:00.000-06:00

As I sat here thinking about what I just wrote, I decided I need to write something down, something for me to remember later and something for my girls as they get older. Today as I thought about how I was going through this day, I realized something that I decided was very important. Today is another day, yes it is the one year marker day for me since Joel died, but I miss him every day. I miss him terribly and each day is a blessing that I have with my children and we have to cherish each day and each moment we get. We have to include him daily and honor him. We do this, without fail Joel is a part of our lives. I realized that Sunday was the hardest day for me and the first Sunday of each November will probably be tough for a long time to come. The 6th is a day that I will never forget, but I made a consiouse(sp??) decision to take this day to honor him, to make his memories even more special and not to break down and pull myself into this ball of pain, torture and agony for this day. This is not what my girls need and this is certainly what Joel would not want. I need to remember what his life was about, I need to, especially on this day, teach my girls about their papa and brings up all the memories that we have. I need to help them honor his life and to honor the fact that we made it this year and in the following years, honor all the accomplishments we have had in the years to come. I know this is what Joel would have wanted and i know that this is the best way to do it. I refuse to pull myself into a ball and mourn and grieve all over again, I did it for so long after his death that I don't want to do it again. Iwill feel what I am feeling, feel the pain, the heartache, the loneliness and the love, but I refuse to let it over run me and take me down. I will feel it, acknowldge it and accept it. I will never deny what I feel for my husband and my loss, but I will never let it over take me again. This is how I got through the day. This is how I will get through the next year and the years to come. I will never deny my love for him and I will never hide it from my children, friends or any future people to come. I will never deny the pain, but I will not let it take me down.

One Year today

2006-11-06T18:41:00.000-06:00

The one year mark is today, as so many of you know. I guess I stayed away from all types of communication to keep myself sheltered these last few days. This weekend the girls and I just took it easy, we painted pottery on Saturday and then spent the rest of the day with a very good friend of mine, S. Her daughter and my girls had a wonderful day and I had a great time with her. It was a wonderful day and it certainly took my mind off of what day was to come. Yesterday was probably the hardest day for me. It was Sunday and last year, and hour from this time, I received that dreadful knock, that horrific news that no person ever wants to receive, for the second time in my life.(the first being my brother on my first day of college my sophmore year). I just kept remembering what happened one year ago on Sunday, Nov 6th. I remember being on the phone with my best friend, I rememer thinking..."who the hell is knocking on my door after 8pm? Everyone I know knows my kids are in bed and not to knock loudly." That is when I walked around the side of the garage and saw the two men standing there in uniform and I knew. I just knew why they were and all I could do was stand there and think...what, why..how. I remember telling K. that I had to go and I would call her later. I just hung up the phone. I remembered walking to the front door, to the side door, then to the front door again, I was so confused as to which door to go in. I remember going into the front door, sitting on the couch in the great room, looking at Joel's pride and joy t.v. and thinking he will never be there again to see it. I remember trying to listen to the officer reading the orders to me, thinking....what the hell happened here. He has been over there before, this was his third deployment...how could this happen now. My first question was, did he suffer? How did it happen? Can you get my neighbor KG? What am I going to tell my girls?" I am so thankful that they were asleep when this happened. I am so thankful that I gave them some benadryl for their allergies and they went to sleep easily and early. I can only imagine if they had been awake and seen this, heard this from someone else other than me. Oh my God that would have been horrible. I remember sitting there, thinking, this is all the stuff I had been trained in for FRG and here I am, sitting here, the one receiving the news, the one who knows what to do for others, but I cannot do a damn thing for myself. I remember all the people showing up that night to be there for me, for the girls, to just hold me. I am so thankful for all of them, M, S, H, J, M, K, and her mom. I just can't imagine what it would have been like if I had been sitting there by myself. I remember calling Joel's mom, hearing the response in the background, wishing I could change it. I remember calling my mom and hearing the pain in her voice and not being able to talk or listen anymore. Just telling my mom that I needed her here, to come and be with me. Joel filled a void for my mom, Joel was so much like my brother Brad that I think it filled that foid, that it gave my mom some peace and love. When they spoke, they always had good conversations and Joel always laughed at my mom like my brother would. When Joel died, I think that void opened again, and that night as I told my mom about Joel's death, I think I could feel it again, I think I knew how it would affect her. This is the first I have spoke of this, but it is time I do. So after last night, and thinking all these things, feeling some of these things again, I decided this morning that I was going to be as positive as I could today. It is going to be another day for the girls and I to celebrate Joel's life and I was not going to be a crazy sad mama for them today. I could not do that to them again. Not like I did just after Joel died. I broke down in front of them to much right after his death, they don't need that again, they need sanity, peace and resolved confidence to get them through and that is what I wanted to do for them today. i think we did it.

One Year has come and gone

2006-11-06T18:20:00.000-06:00

One year has come and gone, Yet our love for you grows strong. You touch our dreams, fill our hearts and continue to remain in our thoughts. My days are sad, my nights are hard, but my life is blessed. We love you for all you were, we love you for all you gave. I stay strong for you, I stay strong for your girls, I stay strong for my life. You touched my life, gave me strength, and continue to give me hope. One year has come and gone, yet your memory lives on. One year has come and gone, yet your love is still strong. One year has come and gone......

Saddness

2006-11-03T09:30:00.000-06:00

As I sit here waiting for the kindergarten class to come in, I feel such utter sadness. I don't know where it is coming from or why, I just know that it is there. I just know that I can feel it and it hurts. I wish it would ease up, I wish I could make it go away, but today I am having a tough time doing just that. I guess it is a combination of everything going on, but this sadness feels so deep.....I just wish it would go away.

Yet another google search

2006-10-29T21:17:00.000-06:00

This is a rather hard one to explain, but for myself, my friends and my chidren I think it is important. So.... let me start with the hole story. My grandmother, who is between the age of 86 and 88(no one seems to know the correct age) is not doing so well. She is failing fast. She is a fighter, always has been, but in the last few weeks, her fight has dwindled. I don't blame her, not one bit. She fought off cancer, gone through a ton of vascular problems resulting in surgery, lost a husband, a child, three grandchildren, one daughter-in-law, a grandson-in-law and I think two great-grand-children. She has been through a lot, not to include her siblings who have passed on. Let's just say my grandma is ready and has been ready for quite some time to join her family in heaven. After talking to my dad tonight and getting the low down, I decided to look up my grandma Rose on Google, of course I did not find anything. Anything she did is written down in ton's and ton's of journals which I would love to get my hands on some day. I just felt like I needed to see if she is out there, if her history is down anywhere. So after I did that, I again googled Joel's name. I came across the same photo's and articles I have stared at and read so many times, the same pictures I wish would just leap out at me and hold me. The photo's that show that smile that I wish I could see just one more time and kiss it all over. I miss him so much. It is only 7 more days until the year anniversary. A whole year. One fricken year. Somedays I want to scream, others I want to cry, then some I want to shout and say, I am hear, I am alive, I am doing it. I feel so confused at times. So much so that I just don't know what to do. I wish this had never happened, I wish my life was different right now. However, I know that will not change, I know that this year has been real and I cannot change that. I look at people having their babies and at times I get so sad and I wish it had been me. I look at some of them and think and pray, I hope you will have their daddy forever. I know this all sounds so crazy and so random, but a widow's brain is never the same. A widow's brain, as I am figuring out is altered forever and one day the world can seem bright and normal and others it can be as gray and bleak as a snow storm. I wish I never knew what a widow's brain was like, I wish I could never express that, but that is not the case here. I miss Joel so much. I miss him more than I ever thought possible. The girls are doing ok, but they too know what is on us. Faith is getting so clingy and so emtional lately that it is showing in school right now. Bren is doing the same, but she get's through it once I leave. Faith has trouble all day long, she cries at movies in school, and at stories and needs extra hugs. I am praying that once we get through this week and the next, they will both be back to normal. I am praying. I wish I could change it for them, I wish I could make their life different, better and "normal". I know I can't do that, but as a mommy, I wish I could. It hurts so much to see your babies hurting and not being able to do a darn thing about it. I will be ok. I have to, I have these two babies who need me and I also have wonderful friends who keep me going. I will make it, I just need a lot of support these next few days.

Internet Shopping

2006-10-25T20:12:00.000-05:00

After the last comment H.S. left, I got to thinking about internet shopping! Darn you are so right H. It is always open! I do spend my money that way to. I wish Banana Republic, Gap, and my new favorite www.piperlime.com were not so good and not so easy to use! I spend way to darn much money there! I guess it does not help that I am getting close to my 1 year mark and I seem to be shopping to ease my pain, agony, frustration and heartache. I seem to try to "ease" myself by "treating" myself and the girls. I guess I do A LOT of retail therapy. The good thing out of this is that the girls and I always have some cute outfits and definately some great shoes!! Not that we always look cute, but we have the potential!! Anyways, I guess I forgot about that form of shopping, or maybe I was in denial about it until H. reminded me!

Busy, Busy, Busy

2006-10-20T07:59:00.000-05:00

I have found five minutes to write a few lines. I have just started substituting at Faith's school for a little while and so far so good. I am enjoying being busy and not spending money all day long. Faith loves it too and next year it will be nice having all three of us up here, if I stay here that is. So between the new work and the house(which photo's will be coming soon) I am staying pretty busy. I am now waiting on the floors to be installed and the countertops to be put in. I am so excited I can hardley stand myself. Well, I need to get back to work, if I stay on here to long, I may not be allowed to come back!! Haha

Target

2006-10-13T15:19:00.000-05:00

What is it about Target that turns good little kids into total terrors?! My kids were in good moods, happy and having a good time. We saw an old friend(actually an adopted grandmother) and the girls were tickled to see her, so they were really happy. Then just like someone flipped a switch, they were total hellions! Fighting about this, arguing about that, crying because I told them to stop, upset because it took to long to get to the potty. What ever it was, they were sure to get weird about it. As soon as we walked out of Target, got into the car, they were fine. I was so frustrated and plain confused when the switch was flipped off and they were normal. AUGH! Oh well, we needed to go anyways, I spent way to much money in that place! Just thought I would make all of you mom's out there laugh and know that it happens here too and make all of you grandma's out there laugh and say, "it only get's better!" or as my mom says, "just wait."

We love you Nana

2006-10-13T11:00:00.000-05:00

On Tuesday morning, Joel's grandmother, Nana passed away. Nana was a strong and determined person who entered this world with huge obstacles to face and overcame all of them. She raised a wonderful son who has great values and strong family ties and beleifs. Nana was proud of each and everyone of her grandchildren and would give anyone an earful about her great family if they would listen. Nana will be missed, but thankfully, as my father-in-law said, "she did not suffer, she was not in pain and now she is in a better place and with her loved ones who have already passed." She did have a long life and did get to see more than so many people. At birth Nana's mother was told she would not live to be two, because of some health problems and look at how wrong she proved those doctors, she had a wonderful life and got over 75 more years than they said she would. I really wanted to go to the funeral, for Nana and for Joel's parents. I just wanted to be there. As I sat down to purchase the tickets, I could not do it, I could not push that last little button to confirm the tickets. The thought of going to another funeral caused so much anxiety, all I could do was sit there and cry and feel as though my chest was going to cave in. I feel as though I should have just made someone else push that button and just go, but.... I could not do that either. I know all of the family understands and can relate to me, but I should have made myself do it. So many people have told me it took them a long time to finally get up the courage to go to one after a traumatic loss. My mom told me the first one was the worst and hardest for her, I just could not get up the courage to do it. I know everyone understands and I will be with them in spirit and will be praying my little heart out during the time of the funeral. So to Nana, we love you and we will miss you. We are so proud of all you accomplished in your life and how far you came and all that you endured. You are a strong and dedicated person. We are proud of you. I am glad that you are with Joel and will be with him to watch over the girls and I and all of our family. God Bless you Nana.

A story for the girls

2006-10-02T19:33:00.000-05:00

A few months ago, I had a really really bad few days. Days to the point where I did not want to keep going. Feelings of dread and unsure of how to go on. I got through those days, with help of a great friend, my wonderful girls, my husband and a dream and my therapist. It all started out as a pretty normal day, yardwork and family time, but then something just broke and all the sudden I just felt like I could not go on. I cried and cried, I laid in bed for hours. I called a friend to come over and help me with the girls because I could not just leave them in the living room tending to themselves. I remember very clearly laying in bed and Faith coming in and rubbing my head and asking me if I was ok. I said, "I am just sad honey, I really miss papa. Mama will be ok." She did not come back after that. I remember laying thinking, I can't do this anymore, I miss Joel so much and I decided to start talking to him. That is usually my way to get through tough moments, as crazy as it sounds, it helps me. I laid there, talking to him, telling him that I missed him, that I was afraid I was not doing a good job, afraid that I would make things worse for them and that I was just going all wrong. I remember laying there saying, I just want to be with you, I just want to be where you are. I finally started to get a little drowsy and I remember starting to fall asleep and it felt as though Joel was talking to me. (I beleive he was, I beleive in angels and he is mine and the girls and I know others would tell me I am crazy and taking it to far, but it is my beleif). I could hear Joel tell me, "Mary, those girls need you and you are doing a wonderful job with them. They are happy and they love me and know where I am. That is the best anyone can ask for. Without you Mary, they will not suceed, but with your love and guidance, they will be succesful and happy. Do not give up, you will see me again in time. I love you and beleive in you. I have a whole cheerleading team rooting for you here. Don't give up." I remember saying, "who is cheering for me?" I distinctivly heard, "Your brother, your grandparent's, my grandparent's and our son." All I could say was, "our son?" I heard, "yes Mary, the baby we lost was a boy and his name is Zachary, he has been with Brad." I am half asleep, but I am crying by now and asked, "what does he look like?" Joel said, "he is beautiful, different than the girls, light brown hair, blue eyes and a big smile." I just laid there and cried, I have never dreamt that the baby was a being in heaven, never wondered what sex it was, never imagined a name, just grieved the loss, but was also thankful for the beautiful little girl that came after him and the healthy one I already had. Then I heard, "Mary, he wants to tell you something and know that he loves you." Then in a little voice I heard, "mama, I love you and I am proud of you. I cannot wait to meet you and my sisters. Keep them safe mama." That was it, my dream or conversation ended there. Or that is all I remember. The next thing I remember was being woken up a few hours later by my beautiful girls and they had made me a cake, "a feel better tomorrow cake". They also sang happy birthday to me. That was pretty funny, but while they sang and lit candles and served me cake, I realized that they are wonderful strong little girls who love me and need me, and right there I said a silent prayer and thanked God for all I had and thanked Joel for all he had given me. I know this all sounds crazy and I know my beautiful little girls may think there mama is crazier than they know I am, but it is such a pronounced and strong moment in my life that I need to share it with them and I need them to know about this part of my life and process of learning to live without their papa and to raise them on my own, with the help of strong and willing friends who love me and my girls.

Google

2006-10-01T18:24:00.000-05:00

Have you ever googled your name or your spouses name? I have done it a few times, but not in quite a while. Today, for some reason I decided to google my name under the images of google. Up pops a few photo's of me and one of them was linked to www.arlingtoncemetary.net . The link took me to Joel's biography and listing of relevant articles that have been written about him. I read them, again for the 50th time and I think I cried more today than I have in a while. I don't know why today has affected me more than any other Sunday in a while, but for some reason it has. I am glad that I reread this again and took in all the articles and what they had to say. I know I will have more Sundays like this and I know that I will have more random days that affect me. I just am amazed at how google has all this information and my name pops right up. Google, they are amazing.

House Demolition

2006-10-01T14:38:00.000-05:00

I wish I had my camera with me yesterday. The girls, two friends, one of their little girls and I decided to knock down a wall at the new house. It was so much fun and such a stress releiver. Faith and Bren were knocking huge holes in the wall and a few times I said, do this one for papa. He would be so proud. So the girls would start yelling, "this is for you papa!" At first Faith thought we were not being nice and she said, "we are not mad at papa, we love him". I said, well Faith, your papa would have loved watching you do this and he would have really loved teaching you how to do this. So, we need to do a few swings of the hammer for papa. They thought that was cool and man, when FAith would do one for papa, she would nail the wall, hard. It was so fun to watch this and I think we all needed a little stress releif. My friend that was with me needed it more than I did and few times we kicked out on of the wall panels and I tell you what, that was exilerating. WE had a great time. S. and I laughed and laughed and put the beating on the wall, we both felt better after beating up the wall. I think I may need to start a demolition business, I would get a lot of stress releif and therapy out of that job!!! Haha. I will be posting pictures of the house soon. The befores are going to be hysterical and I hope the afters are a huge improvement.

Stuff

2006-10-01T14:32:00.000-05:00

As I sit here today, I feel good about where the girls and I are at. I feel proud that we are all moving forward in this life and that we are still making Joel a part of our daily lives. We all understand very well that he is dead, but we still involve in our lives by talking about how he would have liked what we were doing, the pride he would have with the choices we make........things like that. I feel so blessed to have such wonderful little girls who keep me going each day and great friends who support me and love me for who I am and what I am doing. I have decided that I am going to wait until January to get a job. Origianlly I was going to try and start in November but then as I got bored, I thought I would go back now. But now as things for the holiday's, the house and just daily life with the girls keep stacking up, I have decided that January would be the best time to go back. I know that seems like a long time and I do need to start back to work, but I don't want to make to many changes for the girls right now. I feel good about this decision, but at the same time, I am feel as though I am ready to work again. I guess I worry that I am not proving enough for the girls and that I am not making a good example. Most days I am busy and don't just sit around to much, but I do have those days where I just am not motivated. I just want to set a good example for the girls and I hope I am doing that.

IN debate

2006-09-27T15:41:00.000-05:00

Well, I am still debating about what to do for the girls and I. I have been considering a few things very seriously, but am still up in the air. I am really considering the beach, for many reasons. The first reason being, it was Joel's favorite place and when we first moved to Savannah we spent almost every weekend at the beach. It did not matter what the temperature was, what the weather was like or what moods we were in. We made a point to go walking each weekend on the beach and Faith loved it. We all had a love for the ocean and it became an important part to our life while in Savannah. The second reason being, Faith has so many memories of the ocean and when Bren looks at pictures at the beach, she starts to remember or make up her own memories. I think it might be a special moment for all of us. I have also talked to Joel's parents about this and offered for them to come for the weekend. I thought it might be a good time for us to reconnect, remember and honor him. I know a year will have gone by and it will be a tough day, but it can also be a special time for us. I have to say, one of the reasons for wanting to do something different for this day is because of what I call "my fear". The memories of that day haunt me, all the time. The memories of the knock on the door, making the phone calls, writing the e-mail to let everyone know, the days to follow, telling my children. Those memories haunt me and I am afraid that if I am here, if I am around the house, the memories will haunt me even more. The day will be even more unbearable. I know it is all a fear and I know I have a tendancy to make things seem worse than they really will be.....but I don't want to find out if I am imagining it.....I can not endure what I went through that day and the months to follow, not ever again. Even if it is only reliving those moments , I dont think emotionally I can handle it. Not right now. So I guess I feel like running to the beach with my babies might be the best answer. I know this is rambeled and random......but that is how my brain feels right now. I will figure it all out. I just need to do what is going to make all of us happy and comfortable.

Been A While

2006-09-25T10:22:00.000-05:00

Well, it has been a while since I have blogged. Between skating with the girls, dance, gymnastics and the house, I have been so overwhelmed! Well, just plain busy is a better term. We are all doing well. Faith has all of the sudden come into a new little person. She is so happy right now. She is finding humor in almost everything and she has this infectious laugh that makes me grin from ear to ear. The fact that she is finding humor, love, and laughter in her daily life is so important to me. She just has so much life in her. It truly brings a smile to my face and joy to my heart knowing that I am raising a happy, healthy little girl who is going to be ok through all of this stuff. Brenn on the other hand is finding her comical side. She has all the sudden become quite the comedian who loves to make people laugh, loves to dance and entertain. I am convinced this little one is going to be in theater or something. She just cracks me up all day. I kept her home from school a lot last week, and she was constantly keeping me going. Dancing around, helping me do the laundry, cleaning up while she danced. It was so much fun and we both had a great time, until the sleep monster would creep in and she would get grumpy, but.......I will take what I can get! I am realizing that things are shaping up ok and that we are all going to be ok. The girls in the last few days have really showed me that they are pulling through and I will be darn, it did take almost a year. Holy cow. You always here, "the first year is the hardest" and I know that from experience, but to see your child pull through and all of the sudden come out of this darkness into this happy love filled child is amazing. I am so proud of those two little girls. I cannot beleive how strong and amazing they are. In a little less than 7 weeks it will be the one year mark.....I am not sure what to do for this day....a day that will be overwhelming, filled with flashbacks of a year ago and conversations and moments in life I wish I could change. I want to do something special for the girls and I, I wanted to go up to DC, but Faith told me she is not ready to go see papa again, so I do not want to push her. I know we will go again soon, but on her time, not mine. So I was thinking about going to the beach for a few days and just hanging out and remembering the times with Joel that we all spent there. I think it would be good, but maybe to hard for this time. Any suggestions? One friend told me to take the girls to Orlando, down to Disney.....any more suggestions from you all?

Brenna

2006-09-04T21:19:00.000-05:00

Tonight my little girls went to bed, no unusual fussing, just the normal stuff.....so I am sitting on the couch, thinking about Steve Irwin's death(the croccodile hunter) and watching a special on Micheal J. Fox. Could I have gotten any more saddness in tv selections?! Bren comes out of her room and says, "mama, will you lay with me?" I said, no, you need to start falling asleep on your own. So she kind of throws a tantrum, starts to walk back to her room, turns around and says, "mama, will you let me snuggle with you?" How can you turn down a question like that, with those sweet little eyes just begging you to say yes? So I cave, let her sit on the couch with me and snuggle and the next thing I know, she is rubbing my arm and asking me, "mama does it make you feel good too?" I always rub their arm or back when I am holding them or laying with them. I guess it is something I got from my mother. I guess it makes Bren feel good and it sure made me feel good too. So the next thing I know, the rubbing stops and she is passed out in my lap, as comfy as can be, as happy as possible. I have not felt that joy of your child falling asleep in your lap for quite a while. I missed it and it made me feel so good, loved and happy. These girls certainly keep me going.

Optimistic

2006-09-03T20:44:00.000-05:00

I am feeling a little more optimistic today, and hopefully for sometime to come, can you tell by the changes on the site?! Yeah me!

Speed Skate

2006-09-03T20:31:00.000-05:00

I have started speed skating with faith, it is great. We both have a great time and enjoy doing it. I guess I get a kick out of knowing that I am out there, with the silly looking helmet, skating around, looking kind of goofy, but loving it. I get to be with my girls, I get to skate up on them, tickle them and try to get them to go harder. It is a lot of fun. Faith loves it when I skate with her and I hope as she gets older, we will have fun doing it together and maybe racing. She keeps me going and I am enjoying learning how to do all of this and I am enjoying watching Faith go faster and harder each practice. I am getting better, daily and skating has a lot to do with it right now. I enjoy it and I know the girls are having fun. Bren skates a little, but most of the time, she is running around like a little houligan chasing the other kids. She loves it. I am glad we are all doing this and I hope that some day this will be something we do together as a group and enjoy it. My girls, their health and our happiness means so much to me and I know by skating together, that will incorporate all three of those important facts.

Moments

2006-08-30T09:23:00.000-05:00

I am getting better, moment by moment. I have my days and I certainly have my moments. The last few days I have had so many different moments. Times where I get a lot done, times where I find myself just fiddeling around on the computer, putting off everything. The good moments are when I have some memories that I have long forgotten about, or put out of my mind. One memory was a good one that I think I pushed out for some reason or another. It was almost three years ago and I had just gotten my orders to PCS from Ft. Stewart to Ft. Benning so that Joel and I could live as a family. He had PCS'd here for a course and found out he would be assigned to 3ID. I had gotten my orders, done most of my out processing and was at home, bored, missing Joel and wanting to just be with him. I had two days before I needed to be back to do some more out processing so I packed up the girls bag's, a few other things and hopped in the car at about 6pm. It is a four hour drive from Savannah to Columbus. I called Joel and asked him what he was doing, did not tell him that we were on our way up there. He was at a book store studying and I asked him where it was at and he was trying to figure out why I needed to know. So, he was giving me directions without knowing it and then he said, "what are you doing? It sounds like caos and why are the girls up?" I said, "well, I am sitting in a parking lot at a bookstore and cleaning up baby throw up." He just laughed and said, you are here? I said yep, come on out. Are you ready to go to your apartment? He was so happy and so surprised. I am so glad that I drove up there, we were all missing eachother. I am glad to have that memory now. I just wish I had done more surprises like that for him. He surprised me once too. He was coming home from Ft. Leavenworth and he called at about 11pm and said, I have about 3 hours left to get home so don't stay awake for me. So I was a little disappointed, I was anxious to see him. So I took a shower to help me go to sleep and as I was getting out of the shower, I looked up and he was standing in the doorway watching me. I was so surprised and so happy. He loved to suprise us and especially in a shocking way. I am so greatful to have those memories. I just desperatly wish we were making more of them. I just wish he was able to teach the girls more of his ways. I miss him so much, my best friend, my love.