Yet another google search

This is a rather hard one to explain, but for myself, my friends and my chidren I think it is important. So.... let me start with the hole story. My grandmother, who is between the age of 86 and 88(no one seems to know the correct age) is not doing so well. She is failing fast. She is a fighter, always has been, but in the last few weeks, her fight has dwindled. I don't blame her, not one bit. She fought off cancer, gone through a ton of vascular problems resulting in surgery, lost a husband, a child, three grandchildren, one daughter-in-law, a grandson-in-law and I think two great-grand-children. She has been through a lot, not to include her siblings who have passed on. Let's just say my grandma is ready and has been ready for quite some time to join her family in heaven. After talking to my dad tonight and getting the low down, I decided to look up my grandma Rose on Google, of course I did not find anything. Anything she did is written down in ton's and ton's of journals which I would love to get my hands on some day. I just felt like I needed to see if she is out there, if her history is down anywhere. So after I did that, I again googled Joel's name. I came across the same photo's and articles I have stared at and read so many times, the same pictures I wish would just leap out at me and hold me. The photo's that show that smile that I wish I could see just one more time and kiss it all over. I miss him so much. It is only 7 more days until the year anniversary. A whole year. One fricken year. Somedays I want to scream, others I want to cry, then some I want to shout and say, I am hear, I am alive, I am doing it. I feel so confused at times. So much so that I just don't know what to do. I wish this had never happened, I wish my life was different right now. However, I know that will not change, I know that this year has been real and I cannot change that. I look at people having their babies and at times I get so sad and I wish it had been me. I look at some of them and think and pray, I hope you will have their daddy forever. I know this all sounds so crazy and so random, but a widow's brain is never the same. A widow's brain, as I am figuring out is altered forever and one day the world can seem bright and normal and others it can be as gray and bleak as a snow storm. I wish I never knew what a widow's brain was like, I wish I could never express that, but that is not the case here. I miss Joel so much. I miss him more than I ever thought possible. The girls are doing ok, but they too know what is on us. Faith is getting so clingy and so emtional lately that it is showing in school right now. Bren is doing the same, but she get's through it once I leave. Faith has trouble all day long, she cries at movies in school, and at stories and needs extra hugs. I am praying that once we get through this week and the next, they will both be back to normal. I am praying. I wish I could change it for them, I wish I could make their life different, better and "normal". I know I can't do that, but as a mommy, I wish I could. It hurts so much to see your babies hurting and not being able to do a darn thing about it. I will be ok. I have to, I have these two babies who need me and I also have wonderful friends who keep me going. I will make it, I just need a lot of support these next few days.

Internet Shopping

After the last comment H.S. left, I got to thinking about internet shopping! Darn you are so right H. It is always open! I do spend my money that way to. I wish Banana Republic, Gap, and my new favorite www.piperlime.com were not so good and not so easy to use! I spend way to darn much money there! I guess it does not help that I am getting close to my 1 year mark and I seem to be shopping to ease my pain, agony, frustration and heartache. I seem to try to "ease" myself by "treating" myself and the girls. I guess I do A LOT of retail therapy. The good thing out of this is that the girls and I always have some cute outfits and definately some great shoes!! Not that we always look cute, but we have the potential!! Anyways, I guess I forgot about that form of shopping, or maybe I was in denial about it until H. reminded me!

Busy, Busy, Busy

I have found five minutes to write a few lines. I have just started substituting at Faith's school for a little while and so far so good. I am enjoying being busy and not spending money all day long. Faith loves it too and next year it will be nice having all three of us up here, if I stay here that is. So between the new work and the house(which photo's will be coming soon) I am staying pretty busy. I am now waiting on the floors to be installed and the countertops to be put in. I am so excited I can hardley stand myself. Well, I need to get back to work, if I stay on here to long, I may not be allowed to come back!! Haha

Target

What is it about Target that turns good little kids into total terrors?! My kids were in good moods, happy and having a good time. We saw an old friend(actually an adopted grandmother) and the girls were tickled to see her, so they were really happy. Then just like someone flipped a switch, they were total hellions! Fighting about this, arguing about that, crying because I told them to stop, upset because it took to long to get to the potty. What ever it was, they were sure to get weird about it. As soon as we walked out of Target, got into the car, they were fine. I was so frustrated and plain confused when the switch was flipped off and they were normal. AUGH! Oh well, we needed to go anyways, I spent way to much money in that place! Just thought I would make all of you mom's out there laugh and know that it happens here too and make all of you grandma's out there laugh and say, "it only get's better!" or as my mom says, "just wait."

We love you Nana

On Tuesday morning, Joel's grandmother, Nana passed away. Nana was a strong and determined person who entered this world with huge obstacles to face and overcame all of them. She raised a wonderful son who has great values and strong family ties and beleifs. Nana was proud of each and everyone of her grandchildren and would give anyone an earful about her great family if they would listen. Nana will be missed, but thankfully, as my father-in-law said, "she did not suffer, she was not in pain and now she is in a better place and with her loved ones who have already passed." She did have a long life and did get to see more than so many people. At birth Nana's mother was told she would not live to be two, because of some health problems and look at how wrong she proved those doctors, she had a wonderful life and got over 75 more years than they said she would. I really wanted to go to the funeral, for Nana and for Joel's parents. I just wanted to be there. As I sat down to purchase the tickets, I could not do it, I could not push that last little button to confirm the tickets. The thought of going to another funeral caused so much anxiety, all I could do was sit there and cry and feel as though my chest was going to cave in. I feel as though I should have just made someone else push that button and just go, but.... I could not do that either. I know all of the family understands and can relate to me, but I should have made myself do it. So many people have told me it took them a long time to finally get up the courage to go to one after a traumatic loss. My mom told me the first one was the worst and hardest for her, I just could not get up the courage to do it. I know everyone understands and I will be with them in spirit and will be praying my little heart out during the time of the funeral. So to Nana, we love you and we will miss you. We are so proud of all you accomplished in your life and how far you came and all that you endured. You are a strong and dedicated person. We are proud of you. I am glad that you are with Joel and will be with him to watch over the girls and I and all of our family. God Bless you Nana.

A story for the girls

A few months ago, I had a really really bad few days. Days to the point where I did not want to keep going. Feelings of dread and unsure of how to go on. I got through those days, with help of a great friend, my wonderful girls, my husband and a dream and my therapist. It all started out as a pretty normal day, yardwork and family time, but then something just broke and all the sudden I just felt like I could not go on. I cried and cried, I laid in bed for hours. I called a friend to come over and help me with the girls because I could not just leave them in the living room tending to themselves. I remember very clearly laying in bed and Faith coming in and rubbing my head and asking me if I was ok. I said, "I am just sad honey, I really miss papa. Mama will be ok." She did not come back after that. I remember laying thinking, I can't do this anymore, I miss Joel so much and I decided to start talking to him. That is usually my way to get through tough moments, as crazy as it sounds, it helps me. I laid there, talking to him, telling him that I missed him, that I was afraid I was not doing a good job, afraid that I would make things worse for them and that I was just going all wrong. I remember laying there saying, I just want to be with you, I just want to be where you are. I finally started to get a little drowsy and I remember starting to fall asleep and it felt as though Joel was talking to me. (I beleive he was, I beleive in angels and he is mine and the girls and I know others would tell me I am crazy and taking it to far, but it is my beleif). I could hear Joel tell me, "Mary, those girls need you and you are doing a wonderful job with them. They are happy and they love me and know where I am. That is the best anyone can ask for. Without you Mary, they will not suceed, but with your love and guidance, they will be succesful and happy. Do not give up, you will see me again in time. I love you and beleive in you. I have a whole cheerleading team rooting for you here. Don't give up." I remember saying, "who is cheering for me?" I distinctivly heard, "Your brother, your grandparent's, my grandparent's and our son." All I could say was, "our son?" I heard, "yes Mary, the baby we lost was a boy and his name is Zachary, he has been with Brad." I am half asleep, but I am crying by now and asked, "what does he look like?" Joel said, "he is beautiful, different than the girls, light brown hair, blue eyes and a big smile." I just laid there and cried, I have never dreamt that the baby was a being in heaven, never wondered what sex it was, never imagined a name, just grieved the loss, but was also thankful for the beautiful little girl that came after him and the healthy one I already had. Then I heard, "Mary, he wants to tell you something and know that he loves you." Then in a little voice I heard, "mama, I love you and I am proud of you. I cannot wait to meet you and my sisters. Keep them safe mama." That was it, my dream or conversation ended there. Or that is all I remember. The next thing I remember was being woken up a few hours later by my beautiful girls and they had made me a cake, "a feel better tomorrow cake". They also sang happy birthday to me. That was pretty funny, but while they sang and lit candles and served me cake, I realized that they are wonderful strong little girls who love me and need me, and right there I said a silent prayer and thanked God for all I had and thanked Joel for all he had given me. I know this all sounds crazy and I know my beautiful little girls may think there mama is crazier than they know I am, but it is such a pronounced and strong moment in my life that I need to share it with them and I need them to know about this part of my life and process of learning to live without their papa and to raise them on my own, with the help of strong and willing friends who love me and my girls.

Google

Have you ever googled your name or your spouses name? I have done it a few times, but not in quite a while. Today, for some reason I decided to google my name under the images of google. Up pops a few photo's of me and one of them was linked to www.arlingtoncemetary.net . The link took me to Joel's biography and listing of relevant articles that have been written about him. I read them, again for the 50th time and I think I cried more today than I have in a while. I don't know why today has affected me more than any other Sunday in a while, but for some reason it has. I am glad that I reread this again and took in all the articles and what they had to say. I know I will have more Sundays like this and I know that I will have more random days that affect me. I just am amazed at how google has all this information and my name pops right up. Google, they are amazing.

House Demolition

I wish I had my camera with me yesterday. The girls, two friends, one of their little girls and I decided to knock down a wall at the new house. It was so much fun and such a stress releiver. Faith and Bren were knocking huge holes in the wall and a few times I said, do this one for papa. He would be so proud. So the girls would start yelling, "this is for you papa!" At first Faith thought we were not being nice and she said, "we are not mad at papa, we love him". I said, well Faith, your papa would have loved watching you do this and he would have really loved teaching you how to do this. So, we need to do a few swings of the hammer for papa. They thought that was cool and man, when FAith would do one for papa, she would nail the wall, hard. It was so fun to watch this and I think we all needed a little stress releif. My friend that was with me needed it more than I did and few times we kicked out on of the wall panels and I tell you what, that was exilerating. WE had a great time. S. and I laughed and laughed and put the beating on the wall, we both felt better after beating up the wall. I think I may need to start a demolition business, I would get a lot of stress releif and therapy out of that job!!! Haha. I will be posting pictures of the house soon. The befores are going to be hysterical and I hope the afters are a huge improvement.

Stuff

As I sit here today, I feel good about where the girls and I are at. I feel proud that we are all moving forward in this life and that we are still making Joel a part of our daily lives. We all understand very well that he is dead, but we still involve in our lives by talking about how he would have liked what we were doing, the pride he would have with the choices we make........things like that. I feel so blessed to have such wonderful little girls who keep me going each day and great friends who support me and love me for who I am and what I am doing. I have decided that I am going to wait until January to get a job. Origianlly I was going to try and start in November but then as I got bored, I thought I would go back now. But now as things for the holiday's, the house and just daily life with the girls keep stacking up, I have decided that January would be the best time to go back. I know that seems like a long time and I do need to start back to work, but I don't want to make to many changes for the girls right now. I feel good about this decision, but at the same time, I am feel as though I am ready to work again. I guess I worry that I am not proving enough for the girls and that I am not making a good example. Most days I am busy and don't just sit around to much, but I do have those days where I just am not motivated. I just want to set a good example for the girls and I hope I am doing that.

IN debate

Well, I am still debating about what to do for the girls and I. I have been considering a few things very seriously, but am still up in the air. I am really considering the beach, for many reasons. The first reason being, it was Joel's favorite place and when we first moved to Savannah we spent almost every weekend at the beach. It did not matter what the temperature was, what the weather was like or what moods we were in. We made a point to go walking each weekend on the beach and Faith loved it. We all had a love for the ocean and it became an important part to our life while in Savannah. The second reason being, Faith has so many memories of the ocean and when Bren looks at pictures at the beach, she starts to remember or make up her own memories. I think it might be a special moment for all of us. I have also talked to Joel's parents about this and offered for them to come for the weekend. I thought it might be a good time for us to reconnect, remember and honor him. I know a year will have gone by and it will be a tough day, but it can also be a special time for us. I have to say, one of the reasons for wanting to do something different for this day is because of what I call "my fear". The memories of that day haunt me, all the time. The memories of the knock on the door, making the phone calls, writing the e-mail to let everyone know, the days to follow, telling my children. Those memories haunt me and I am afraid that if I am here, if I am around the house, the memories will haunt me even more. The day will be even more unbearable. I know it is all a fear and I know I have a tendancy to make things seem worse than they really will be.....but I don't want to find out if I am imagining it.....I can not endure what I went through that day and the months to follow, not ever again. Even if it is only reliving those moments , I dont think emotionally I can handle it. Not right now. So I guess I feel like running to the beach with my babies might be the best answer. I know this is rambeled and random......but that is how my brain feels right now. I will figure it all out. I just need to do what is going to make all of us happy and comfortable.

Been A While

Well, it has been a while since I have blogged. Between skating with the girls, dance, gymnastics and the house, I have been so overwhelmed! Well, just plain busy is a better term. We are all doing well. Faith has all of the sudden come into a new little person. She is so happy right now. She is finding humor in almost everything and she has this infectious laugh that makes me grin from ear to ear. The fact that she is finding humor, love, and laughter in her daily life is so important to me. She just has so much life in her. It truly brings a smile to my face and joy to my heart knowing that I am raising a happy, healthy little girl who is going to be ok through all of this stuff. Brenn on the other hand is finding her comical side. She has all the sudden become quite the comedian who loves to make people laugh, loves to dance and entertain. I am convinced this little one is going to be in theater or something. She just cracks me up all day. I kept her home from school a lot last week, and she was constantly keeping me going. Dancing around, helping me do the laundry, cleaning up while she danced. It was so much fun and we both had a great time, until the sleep monster would creep in and she would get grumpy, but.......I will take what I can get! I am realizing that things are shaping up ok and that we are all going to be ok. The girls in the last few days have really showed me that they are pulling through and I will be darn, it did take almost a year. Holy cow. You always here, "the first year is the hardest" and I know that from experience, but to see your child pull through and all of the sudden come out of this darkness into this happy love filled child is amazing. I am so proud of those two little girls. I cannot beleive how strong and amazing they are. In a little less than 7 weeks it will be the one year mark.....I am not sure what to do for this day....a day that will be overwhelming, filled with flashbacks of a year ago and conversations and moments in life I wish I could change. I want to do something special for the girls and I, I wanted to go up to DC, but Faith told me she is not ready to go see papa again, so I do not want to push her. I know we will go again soon, but on her time, not mine. So I was thinking about going to the beach for a few days and just hanging out and remembering the times with Joel that we all spent there. I think it would be good, but maybe to hard for this time. Any suggestions? One friend told me to take the girls to Orlando, down to Disney.....any more suggestions from you all?

Brenna

Tonight my little girls went to bed, no unusual fussing, just the normal stuff.....so I am sitting on the couch, thinking about Steve Irwin's death(the croccodile hunter) and watching a special on Micheal J. Fox. Could I have gotten any more saddness in tv selections?! Bren comes out of her room and says, "mama, will you lay with me?" I said, no, you need to start falling asleep on your own. So she kind of throws a tantrum, starts to walk back to her room, turns around and says, "mama, will you let me snuggle with you?" How can you turn down a question like that, with those sweet little eyes just begging you to say yes? So I cave, let her sit on the couch with me and snuggle and the next thing I know, she is rubbing my arm and asking me, "mama does it make you feel good too?" I always rub their arm or back when I am holding them or laying with them. I guess it is something I got from my mother. I guess it makes Bren feel good and it sure made me feel good too. So the next thing I know, the rubbing stops and she is passed out in my lap, as comfy as can be, as happy as possible. I have not felt that joy of your child falling asleep in your lap for quite a while. I missed it and it made me feel so good, loved and happy. These girls certainly keep me going.

Optimistic

I am feeling a little more optimistic today, and hopefully for sometime to come, can you tell by the changes on the site?! Yeah me!

Speed Skate

I have started speed skating with faith, it is great. We both have a great time and enjoy doing it. I guess I get a kick out of knowing that I am out there, with the silly looking helmet, skating around, looking kind of goofy, but loving it. I get to be with my girls, I get to skate up on them, tickle them and try to get them to go harder. It is a lot of fun. Faith loves it when I skate with her and I hope as she gets older, we will have fun doing it together and maybe racing. She keeps me going and I am enjoying learning how to do all of this and I am enjoying watching Faith go faster and harder each practice. I am getting better, daily and skating has a lot to do with it right now. I enjoy it and I know the girls are having fun. Bren skates a little, but most of the time, she is running around like a little houligan chasing the other kids. She loves it. I am glad we are all doing this and I hope that some day this will be something we do together as a group and enjoy it. My girls, their health and our happiness means so much to me and I know by skating together, that will incorporate all three of those important facts.

Moments

I am getting better, moment by moment. I have my days and I certainly have my moments. The last few days I have had so many different moments. Times where I get a lot done, times where I find myself just fiddeling around on the computer, putting off everything. The good moments are when I have some memories that I have long forgotten about, or put out of my mind. One memory was a good one that I think I pushed out for some reason or another. It was almost three years ago and I had just gotten my orders to PCS from Ft. Stewart to Ft. Benning so that Joel and I could live as a family. He had PCS'd here for a course and found out he would be assigned to 3ID. I had gotten my orders, done most of my out processing and was at home, bored, missing Joel and wanting to just be with him. I had two days before I needed to be back to do some more out processing so I packed up the girls bag's, a few other things and hopped in the car at about 6pm. It is a four hour drive from Savannah to Columbus. I called Joel and asked him what he was doing, did not tell him that we were on our way up there. He was at a book store studying and I asked him where it was at and he was trying to figure out why I needed to know. So, he was giving me directions without knowing it and then he said, "what are you doing? It sounds like caos and why are the girls up?" I said, "well, I am sitting in a parking lot at a bookstore and cleaning up baby throw up." He just laughed and said, you are here? I said yep, come on out. Are you ready to go to your apartment? He was so happy and so surprised. I am so glad that I drove up there, we were all missing eachother. I am glad to have that memory now. I just wish I had done more surprises like that for him. He surprised me once too. He was coming home from Ft. Leavenworth and he called at about 11pm and said, I have about 3 hours left to get home so don't stay awake for me. So I was a little disappointed, I was anxious to see him. So I took a shower to help me go to sleep and as I was getting out of the shower, I looked up and he was standing in the doorway watching me. I was so surprised and so happy. He loved to suprise us and especially in a shocking way. I am so greatful to have those memories. I just desperatly wish we were making more of them. I just wish he was able to teach the girls more of his ways. I miss him so much, my best friend, my love.

Better day(s)

Well, today was by far a better day. I guess I am doing somewhat better. I did need to start doing something along with the other things my therapist advised and I have started skating with my girls. They skate three times a week and this week I skated twice, about an hour each time. I tell you what, to be out there, skating with them, moving around and just getting them going, it is so invigorating and I know Joel would be proud and happy to see me with the girls. I am doing better, not completely myself and not completely out of the hole, but getting there and I know I just need to fight to get all the way out of it. I want to run the 10 miler this october, if it happenes, awesome, but if it does not, then I am not going to get upset and angry about it. It is not worth the stress, it will come again next year, and maybe then I will be better prepared to handle it. I will try to be ready, but I am not going to push harder than necessary right now. My brain and my body will not take it! My girls deserve a whole mama and I realize that right now, that is more important than anything.

Therapist

I just got back from seeing my therapist and I am not doing so well still. He told me, "Mary, you need to start excercising again, you need to feel good about yourself". I know he is right, I just can't seem to get motivated to get down there and run again. I know I can do it, that was my motivation and my outlet before. I am getting so frustrated with myself, like I am not doing enough. I know I will get down there and get moving, I just need some motivation I guess. Don't know if the Army 10 miler is going to happen after all.

hmmmmm

I am not even sure what to do right now. I have my moments. Good moments where I get a lot done, do the things I need to do and then, bam, right in my face I can't do anymore. Am I getting lazy? I just have no energy right now, no motivation. I know I am not lazy, I am just going through a tough period and I need to understand that, but I can't wrap my brain around it right now. I should be able to go, go, go like I always do. I should be able to keep moving and be a good energetic mom who runs, takes care of her girls and keeps life moving. I just can't even get that done. I am getting pretty upset with myself. I am doing the best I can with my girls, but I guess I am not doing what I can for myself and that is probably what is bothering me the most. For instance, I need to start running for the 10k, can't even get the mojo to do that and then I need a hair cut, desperatly(everyone is asking if I am growing it out...no, no, no) and I have not gotten the energery to do that either. AUGH!!! I know I will get there. I have to, but I kind of feel hopeless right now. I will get there. I know I will.

Day By Day

I appreciate all of the thoughts and concerns from all of you. After speaking to my therapist today, I listened to him tell me about 10 times, you need to take it day by day and slow the hell down. I know he is right and I know I just need to start taking it day by day and realize that I just need to get done tonight that will get me going in the morning. That is it. I will work on that, among other things that he suggested. I know I will be ok and I know I will get through this rough period. I just need to slow down and do it all day by day. For a long time it was minute by minute and moment by moment, and for some reason I got out of it and now I am doing it week by week, month by month and it is only making this all to hard for me to deal with. So, I will be ok. I have no other option but to get through this and be ok or me, my girls and for Joel. I will get through this wholely. I just need to SLOW down.

Figured It Out

Well, I think I figured out why I have so little motivation. I think I am slightly depressed. I do not think I am ready to wait 2 weeks to see the therapist, maybe 10 days, but 14 seems like quite a bit. I have people to talk to and ways to let out my anxiety, but having that univolved person who just listens and helps find resolutions or suggestions makes it so much easier to deal with everything. I do not like this feeling at all. I don't like feeling sad, unmotivated...hurting...crying at every song. I think in the last few hours I have heard so many songs that make me think of Joel and miss him. Songs we had sung at our wedding, Keeper of the Stars....Songs he loved....I love this Bar, Angry American, Tiny Dancer.......Why is all of this happening right now? I am so confused, sad.......