Kids and their Antics

My kids, they keep me going and are the reason I get out of bed everyday. Today, a friend went with me and Bren to get Faith. She gets into the car and she looks as me and says, "haha, your getting old. I will be 6 and you will be 60!!" I tried so hard to act offended, but all I could do was laugh. I know what she meant, but man, do I really look more like 60 than 30? Then this evening we were starting a fire in the fire pit and she was helping me, she was my paper crumbeler so I could shove it between the wood. She stood there while I lit the fire(I used a little lighter fluid) and when it shot up, she stood there again and said, "hahaha, mama, you are getting good at fires now that you are old." Geeze!!! Do I look old?! I did not laugh at first, but then she said, "mama, until J. taught you, you could not make a fire, now you are older and you know how!" Hmmm.....does a month really age an adult that much?!?! Maybe through a child's eyes, but I don't see any more wrinkles than I did yesterday. Just a few more grey hairs!(I am serious too). I have a good little amount of those. Thanks Dad!! He was gray in his 30's, or at least that is all I can remember. Needless to say, my kids keep me going. My kids are the reason I get up everyday and make it through. Even if they think I am old, I am going to keep getting up and going, for them. I love those girls and all that they give me, daily.

Hurt

Have you ever heard the song Hurt, by Christina Aguilera? I heard it today for the first time. I cried so much when I heard it. It related so much to me and what I have been feeling, most of it anyways. Especially today. Here are the lyrics. Seems like it was yesterday when I saw your face You told me how proud you were, but I walked away If only I knew what I know today Ooh, ooh I would hold you in my arms I would take the pain away Thank you for all you've done Forgive all your mistakes There's nothing I wouldn't do To hear your voice again Sometimes I wanna call you But I know you won't be there Ohh I'm sorry for blaming you For everything I just couldn't do And I've hurt myself by hurting you Some days I feel broke inside but I won't admit Sometimes I just wanna hide 'cause it's you I miss And it's so hard to say goodbye When it comes to this, oooh Would you tell me I was wrong? Would you help me understand? Are you looking down upon me? Are you proud of who I am? There's nothing I wouldn't do To have just one more chance To look into your eyes And see you looking back Ohh I'm sorry for blaming you For everything I just couldn't do And I've hurt myself, ohh If I had just one more day I would tell you how much that I've missed you Since you've been away Ooh, it's dangerous It's so out of line To try and turn back time I'm sorry for blaming you For everything I just couldn't do And I've hurt myself by hurting you

The last few weeks

The last few weeks.....where to begin. Well, the non-smoking is going ok. I have had my few setbacks here and there, but I have not gone back to full smoking. I have not had more than a few on the days I slip. That is a huge, huge step for me. I have still been subbing at Faith's school, but I took this week off. I have been a little on edge the last few weeks, not quite myself. I am not sure exactly what it is, but I am so sick of it. I am tired of feeling sad, angry at times and just plain in a funk. I think I do know what it is, but I am not completely positive. Last year, on January 9th, I went to the hanger to meet one group of soldiers coming back from Iraq. On this night, I also met with one of Joel's friends before he met any of his family. We spent almost 2 hours talking and crying and it was so good for me. Then I stood in the back of the hanger and watched them march in. It was one of the hardest things I did since burying Joel. I have had a hard time this month with that. I am constantly thinking of it. This year, on the 9th I had a particularly bad day and all I could think of was that day, meeting that person and how much I cried when there was not a soldier for me to walk up to, when my soldier was never going to walk in to that hanger. Then two days later there was another big event, one that was hard for me to accept for a day or two. The girls and I got to meet President Bush when he was at FT. Benning meeting with the soldiers and family's of fallen soldiers. It was pretty amazing and intense all at the same time. I was honored to have met him, but because my husband died and my children lost their papa, we got to meet President Bush. I just stood there looking at him, remember how much Joel respected him and liked him as a president. How much Joel would have loved to have been there, but he was the reason why we were there. Since that day, all I can think of is Joel, that he is really gone, that.....oh I hate this. Everyone has been more excited about the fact that I got to meet him and the girls got to see him and have their picture with him. I don't know if anyone realizes how hard it was too, how much it took out of me. That is partially my fault too, I really didn't tell anyone. I am just missing him so much this month. I am also seeing all of his unit get ready to leave again, in March. I don't know if I can handle that right now. I really don't.