Baby A.D.G

Today I went and saw a good friend of mine and her new baby girl. It was a good visit and we talked like we had seen eachother frequently...or at least I did, not sure if I let her talk to much now that I think about it. On the drive over to her house, I cried, most of the way because of the fear, anxiety, pain, and nerves. I was unsure of how I would feel holding baby A. I did not know at all. I knew that if Joel were still alivce, the chances that I would pregnant were great...that I could be in her shoes. The thought of seeing my girls holding a baby, not ours, made my heart jump. The thought of seeing this friend, whom I had not seen in a while made me nervous. We all went, more so because the girls were begging me to see them. I am so glad they did, I am so glad that we went and spent the hour with them that we did. The baby is beautiful and the girls were so excited and happy. They looked great holding the baby and were happy, but damn it, it was hard. I did get teary twice, but I made it. I did not baul all over the baby like I thought I may. I am so glad that we went. It was hard, but this moment also made me realize that life keeps moving. That althought Joel is gone, life renews and keeps growning, that I cannot lay down and hide from new life and ignore it. I must face it, especially my friends and cherish this life, relish in it and enjoy what is. I must keep going forward, even on the rough days and remember that although life may have me down now, at some point, when I am ready, it will havce me up again. Joel will never be gone from my life. Joel will never be forgotten. He will always be my first true love, the father of my beautiful babies and the man who made me the woman I am. Joel is eternally a part of my life and even though he is gone, life must and has to go on. I have two little girls who depend on it. Today was a confirmation of that for me. Thank you K, R and Baby A.