One Year Ago

One Year ago my precious Joel was home on R and R. One year and a few days ago the girls and I went up to Atlanta to pick him up and hold him for the last time. We had no idea that this would be the last time we were going to be able to spend uninterupted, family time with him. July 1st 2005 was a beautiful day for us. I have pictures of Joel sleeping with our girls, pictures of him just enjoying life and his family. We had a wonderful time. I am so greatful that we had those two weeks, that we had such a wonderful time. I also remember a sad day when we talked about his "what if plans" and I just stood there, looking at him, feeling so afraid and so unsure of the future for the first time during this deployment. I stood there crying and he pulled me into his lap, asked me what was wrong and I said, I feel so insecure for this part of the deployment. He told me he would be ok, that he would be coming home in January. I think he had the same feeling I did though, I don't know, but the day he left, the girls and I left early from the Airport. They were tired, crabby and just plain tough to handle. I remember Joel walking us out to the car, kissing and hugging his babies for the last time. Then him and I stood behind our car and held eachother for the longest time. I remember standing there with him, both of us crying and then he walked back into the airport. As he walked away, I remember wathcing him and I could see the tears still falling. I wonder if he knew. I wonder if he had the same feeling of insecurity that I had. I don't know and I will never know, but I do know that he loved us with all his heart and soul and that to this day he is still with us. I am forever greatful that I have these memories of him. As hard as they have been for me this last week, I am so greatful that I have these memories. It seems that each month has a special meaning and each month I find a new way to deal with all these memories and feelings. I know the girls and I will get through all of this and we will be stonger in the end, but right now it still hurts, it still makes me cry daily, it still makes me look at my girls and think of how much they have lost. But I know their memories will become stonger in time and they will both understand the deep meaning of Joel's death.