Thursday, August 10, 2006
Explanation of last blog.....
I have re-read and re thought all the stuff I wrote about in the last blog. I don't want anyone to think that I am saying, ok, I am done, I am over all of this and I am moving forward, that is not it at all. I have realized through this time that I won't ever be done grieving my husband, I will grieve him the rest of my life. That is something that I have realized in the last nine years since my brother has died, I have not ever stopped grieving him and I know that I won't. I know I will grieve the loss of Joel the rest of my life and he will be a constant daily part of my life, because of the girls and also because of my life with him, my love for him and dedication to him. I also realize that their is much more to my life that I have left to do for my girls and myself.
I am also not saying that I am going to go out and find the next Joe Schmoe that walks along and get married, that is not it at all. I just realize that with my girls and my responsibilities, I cannot rule out anything in my life and that I still have things to teach them. I will do it responsibly and smartly and I will always keep my two beautiful babies first in my life. They will always be first.
I guess what I was trying to say in the last blog is that I realize I have a long, long road ahead of me and that I also have a lot of responsiblities. I cannot give up, I cannot lay down and die along with my husband(as much as I would want to some days), I am still very much alive and hopefully God willing have a long life left. I cannot give up living. This is something that my therapist and I have worked hard and long on, I have spent a lot of money on this(haha, lol) and he has finally helped me to realize that although life ends, life does keep moving forward and it is up to us to keep going and see what journey God has for us or to lay down, ignore the signs and left life just slide by. I have two beautiful little girls, I cannot just let life slide by, how unfair would that be to them. I have a lot to work out and a lot to figure out before I make any life altering decisions. I just had an epiphany today and felt ok about it, after talking about it, crying about and denying that I will have to move on(for nine months) I guess I accepted it and felt ok.....I think. I just hope it does not sound like a crazy woman talking. I just write what I am feeling and as many of you know, it sometimes probably does not make a whole hell of a lot of sense. I have to let it out and this is my outlet.
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4 comments:
Hi Mary,
I, too, have been reading your entries over the past few weeks and I very much admire your strength and honesty in facing your difficult situation. I think you are so strong...not only for being honest with yourself about what might be the hardest things to think about but also for seeking out the help you need and looking out for your children. I've often wondered how I would handle a situation like yours and I only hope that I could have the strength and courage you have...best wishes.
Thank you all for your thoughts, love and concern. Know that I am taking my time, being patient and will not jump before I look, look again and assess the situation three hundred times. I am a planner and am usually pretty thorough about everything, ask my parents, they will tell you I always have to have two, or three plans in case I need a back up! I was just realizing a lot of things the other day and needed to get them out. I know it is scary to read and think....holy crap what is she saying or doing, but just know that I am being patient and that I will take my time, always putting my girls first. I guess ultimatly what I was saying is that I know that I will not be alone forever, that I cannot do to my girls. I will take my time, get through all of this pain and move forward, more so than I have now. I am strong and my girls know it, but they deserve more, when we all are ready.
Ladonna you made a very true statement, if anything should happen with a relationship that I thought would work out, the girls would feel like they have lost someone else, beleive me, I know that and I have taken that into full consideration and know whole-heartedly what that would do to my girls. I appreciate your thoughts and wisdom and I know I will grow through this situation and feelings too just as I have through everything else. Some days are foggier than others and some are clear, or so I think, only to realize later that in my fogs, that is when I see most clearly sometimes.
Thank you LaDonna.
Mary, I found you via Heidi's blog; this is the first time I've been over here. This post got me choked up because I can sense how hard this must be for you. Only you can decide what's right for your own heart. I just wanted to let you know that I'll be thinking of you.
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