Random thoughts, feelings and concerns...

Well, I guess I have come to a very scary, but very necessary decision.....I think I have been doing this for a while, but I guess I have refused to beleive it or see it. Today while taking Faith to school I was thinking about what we were doing, that Joel would have been there with us, that I was still moving forward even though he is gone and not with us. I guess I have realized that in order to make my girls life less stressful and "normal" I need to keep moving, I need to push forward and keep living. I would rather not be here without Joel, but God obviously has other plans for me and the girls. I have yet to know what that plan is and I know I will never know, but I realize that I must keep living, breathing and eating, that I must still love my husband but also learn to love again even though my true love and soul mate is gone......I think today, as we were standing in the church for school registration, I realized that if God thought I was strong enough to survive this hell and trial put in front of me, he must also have another soul mate for, another true love.........I know all of this sounds crazy and ridicuouls, but.......it has to be true...I am only 29 and I don't want to be alone for the rest of my life and I want my girls to grow up knowing what love is, seeing a husband and wife living and loving and knowing how it works....I want to teach them those things that Joel and I would have taught them....I guess I come from the beleif that without seeing it and being surrounded by it, they will not know how it works. They won't have lived in it(or remembered living in it). I know I can teach them what love is, but......... I have been told by many, many people, good friend and not so good friends and family that I only have one chance with my children and you don't want to mess that up. I realize this and I know I am trying my danmdest to do just that, to not screw up this one shot. So far I think I have done the right thing and will continue to do so, but....if I don't teach them what love and marriage is....won't I be screwing that up? I guess I feel a little confused about all of this, and I know this is a huge and major step, one that some wives have not taken and maybe won't. I guess I am finally admitting some of my strengths and recognizing the fact that I am not screwing up anything with the girls, not yet that is. My girls mean the world to me and I will not let anything or anyone take them or that away from me. I know that Joel will always be my first love, that Joel will always be a permanent part of my life, but I must push forward and not give up, I must let life happen and keep learning, living and growing. I cannot die along with all that has happened to me and the girls, Lord knows I have felt like I was many times and some times still do, but I am getting better with it, I am getting stronger and without my therapist I would not be where I am, that much I know. I will do the best for my girls, always, that much I know I can count on and so can anyone else....