A story for the girls

A few months ago, I had a really really bad few days. Days to the point where I did not want to keep going. Feelings of dread and unsure of how to go on. I got through those days, with help of a great friend, my wonderful girls, my husband and a dream and my therapist. It all started out as a pretty normal day, yardwork and family time, but then something just broke and all the sudden I just felt like I could not go on. I cried and cried, I laid in bed for hours. I called a friend to come over and help me with the girls because I could not just leave them in the living room tending to themselves. I remember very clearly laying in bed and Faith coming in and rubbing my head and asking me if I was ok. I said, "I am just sad honey, I really miss papa. Mama will be ok." She did not come back after that. I remember laying thinking, I can't do this anymore, I miss Joel so much and I decided to start talking to him. That is usually my way to get through tough moments, as crazy as it sounds, it helps me. I laid there, talking to him, telling him that I missed him, that I was afraid I was not doing a good job, afraid that I would make things worse for them and that I was just going all wrong. I remember laying there saying, I just want to be with you, I just want to be where you are. I finally started to get a little drowsy and I remember starting to fall asleep and it felt as though Joel was talking to me. (I beleive he was, I beleive in angels and he is mine and the girls and I know others would tell me I am crazy and taking it to far, but it is my beleif). I could hear Joel tell me, "Mary, those girls need you and you are doing a wonderful job with them. They are happy and they love me and know where I am. That is the best anyone can ask for. Without you Mary, they will not suceed, but with your love and guidance, they will be succesful and happy. Do not give up, you will see me again in time. I love you and beleive in you. I have a whole cheerleading team rooting for you here. Don't give up." I remember saying, "who is cheering for me?" I distinctivly heard, "Your brother, your grandparent's, my grandparent's and our son." All I could say was, "our son?" I heard, "yes Mary, the baby we lost was a boy and his name is Zachary, he has been with Brad." I am half asleep, but I am crying by now and asked, "what does he look like?" Joel said, "he is beautiful, different than the girls, light brown hair, blue eyes and a big smile." I just laid there and cried, I have never dreamt that the baby was a being in heaven, never wondered what sex it was, never imagined a name, just grieved the loss, but was also thankful for the beautiful little girl that came after him and the healthy one I already had. Then I heard, "Mary, he wants to tell you something and know that he loves you." Then in a little voice I heard, "mama, I love you and I am proud of you. I cannot wait to meet you and my sisters. Keep them safe mama." That was it, my dream or conversation ended there. Or that is all I remember. The next thing I remember was being woken up a few hours later by my beautiful girls and they had made me a cake, "a feel better tomorrow cake". They also sang happy birthday to me. That was pretty funny, but while they sang and lit candles and served me cake, I realized that they are wonderful strong little girls who love me and need me, and right there I said a silent prayer and thanked God for all I had and thanked Joel for all he had given me. I know this all sounds crazy and I know my beautiful little girls may think there mama is crazier than they know I am, but it is such a pronounced and strong moment in my life that I need to share it with them and I need them to know about this part of my life and process of learning to live without their papa and to raise them on my own, with the help of strong and willing friends who love me and my girls.