The last few weeks

The last few weeks.....where to begin. Well, the non-smoking is going ok. I have had my few setbacks here and there, but I have not gone back to full smoking. I have not had more than a few on the days I slip. That is a huge, huge step for me. I have still been subbing at Faith's school, but I took this week off. I have been a little on edge the last few weeks, not quite myself. I am not sure exactly what it is, but I am so sick of it. I am tired of feeling sad, angry at times and just plain in a funk. I think I do know what it is, but I am not completely positive. Last year, on January 9th, I went to the hanger to meet one group of soldiers coming back from Iraq. On this night, I also met with one of Joel's friends before he met any of his family. We spent almost 2 hours talking and crying and it was so good for me. Then I stood in the back of the hanger and watched them march in. It was one of the hardest things I did since burying Joel. I have had a hard time this month with that. I am constantly thinking of it. This year, on the 9th I had a particularly bad day and all I could think of was that day, meeting that person and how much I cried when there was not a soldier for me to walk up to, when my soldier was never going to walk in to that hanger. Then two days later there was another big event, one that was hard for me to accept for a day or two. The girls and I got to meet President Bush when he was at FT. Benning meeting with the soldiers and family's of fallen soldiers. It was pretty amazing and intense all at the same time. I was honored to have met him, but because my husband died and my children lost their papa, we got to meet President Bush. I just stood there looking at him, remember how much Joel respected him and liked him as a president. How much Joel would have loved to have been there, but he was the reason why we were there. Since that day, all I can think of is Joel, that he is really gone, that.....oh I hate this. Everyone has been more excited about the fact that I got to meet him and the girls got to see him and have their picture with him. I don't know if anyone realizes how hard it was too, how much it took out of me. That is partially my fault too, I really didn't tell anyone. I am just missing him so much this month. I am also seeing all of his unit get ready to leave again, in March. I don't know if I can handle that right now. I really don't.