164th Posts

As I logged on to do a little blogging, I saw on my homepage that I have a total of 153 post. Wow, that is a heck of a lot more than I ever thought I wrote, but also, can imagine if I had not missed to many weeks!! I would have triple that!! Haha, I thought it was funny as I looked at, sad though too. Sad to know that I have 163 postings that are 90% related to my pain, greif, loss and love. I know it is great to write, I know that it helps me express my feelings and thoughts in ways I normally cannot, but it is also sad to see in numbers the amount of postings, big and little that I have written, all based on pain and loss. I know as the girls get older and want to read about these things, it will be good for them to have. It is something that I don't know if I want them remembering the pain mama was in, but at the same time, it is soooo important for them to realize that we all experienced Joel's death differently, that all of the "mean mommy"(that is what bren calls me on my bad days) moments were more often than not a result of my grief. That their papa made more impressions on our lives than they can even remember now, even after he was gone. So anyways, 163 postings later and I am still here. A little stronger in some peoples opinion, a little more worse for the wear in my opinion!