Tuesday, May 16th Arlington

Today I spent the afternoon with Joel, a good two hours if not more. I went with a friend up to Ft Meyer, bought him flowers, ordered flowers for Memorial Day and bought some baby wipes to clean up the headstone. Purchasing those items was more tasking and overwhelming than I thought they would be. I cried when I picked up the wipes, thinking....damn it ....our real life relationship has been reduced to me cleaning his headstone. I purchased the flowers and all I could do was sniffle and try to keep the tears at bay but it was hard. The lady in the flowershop was so nice, she acknowledged it but also carried on and did not bottle up and get flustered as some do when they realize why I am upset or that Joel has died. Finally I make it down to Arlington to lay the flowers at his gravesite, I have never cried so hard before going to see him...I was so teary and upset that I could not really see where I was going, just the outline of the headstones so I would not trip and fall. I sat there, I cried and I prayed for him to be with me, it was one of the hardest times for me. I was there, but I was alone, I was here to honor him, our anniversary one more time and to honor him by accepting the MacArthur Award. I did not want to be there, I did not want to do this for him, I would have gladly supported him while he did it, but not receive it for him. However, I was not given a choice the day he walked through the gates to heaven and here I am, left to carry on what he would have done, ultimately what he would want me to do for him. I remember kneeling there, my head resting on his headstone, my left arm curved around the back into a hug, more so holding me up and I just wanted to get up and run, to escape all of the pain. I remember hearing this rusteling noise(my trash bag for the dirty wipes) and I glanced up thinking someone was watching me. I looked up and all I saw was a dark figure standing over me....I looked again and it was gone. I know in my heart it was Joel, he was with me and for a shortwhile after that I felt at peace. I know the doubters out there would say....phooey....it was only your imagination...you are over reacting. I know in my heart it was him. I know he was with me during that very hard time for me. I then spent some more time cleaning up Joel's headstone, saw an older man walking around an area near where Joel is buried and I walked over to him...I could tell he was crying and upset. As I walked over I realized this is a larger section of the OIF/OEF burial section of Arlington. I walked up to the man, after a few moments of trying to decide if I should or not and I asked him..."is this your son?" He said, "yes, this is my baby. Six months ago today I received that horrible knock." I could understand the horrible feeling and emotions he was experiencing. I could relate to him clearly. We hugged and talked for a while and then I went on my way. I am so greatful I did that, I am so greatful that I put a family with this name and know another brave young man that Joel is up in heaven with.This final part to the day put me at ease, allowed me to go visit Joel one more time, leave my cards, lollipops of the girls that they would have teased papa with and a smothering of kisses on his headstone. I know that sounds ridiculous, but I did. I kissed his headstone quite a few times. I had to....I know he would do the same thing. I was then able to finally leave his gravesite and deliver the flowers to his friend's grave and clean it up too. Joe is not far from Joel and I know they are together in heaven, enjoying eachother once again and living a life of happiness and ultimate glory until they have their loved one back wit them. I miss Joel...I miss him so very much and I cannot wait to be with him again. I just pray I have a long, full and happy life with my girls. Watching them grow into young women with families of their own. I cannot wait to be with him again, but I can wait as well.

Mary 15, 1999

happiest and proudest days of my life. I was so excited to be his wife, to know that I would be with him forever and have his children. Today, May 15, 2006 I spent our seventh anniversary at his grave site. I sat right on top of where he lays for all eternity. I cried, I laughed, I hugged the headstone. I cursed, I screamed quietly and I cried some more. I was happy and sad all at the same time, happy to be there with him, to pour him a glass of wine, to toast him and what we had accomplished in our short 6 and 1/2 years. I thanked him for all he has given me and continues to give me. I thanked him for our two beautiful little girls and I thanked him for giving me the strength to carry on, to do as he would want me to do. I talked to him today like he was there, I toasted him today as if he was there, except for pouring the wine out onto the lawn at Arlington National Cemetery. I don't even know if that is allowed, but I sure as heck don't care. I did it and I am so glad I did it, I am so greatful that my friend Brandon remember to get a bottle of wine for me, I forgot. I am so greatful that I was up there on this seventh anniversary. As hard as it was and as emotional as it was, I am greatful to have been there, to have spent this wonderful day with him, visiting, crying, laughing and praying to God that he will always be with me, no matter what course or direction my life takes. I know where he will be but more importantly I want him to be with our girls, to put them first, as he always did and to be with them and guide them to the right choices and right path all the time. I know that may be a strange anniversary wish, but my children are the best gift he gave me throughout the course of our marriage, so on this day I honor them as well and ask Joel to help me guide, teach and raise our girls. I know he will and I know he is. I am so thankful that even though he is gone from me in body, I still feel him, I still here him and I know that he is with me.

Lack of Blogs

Well, it has been quite a while since I have blogged, over two weeks. I guess you could say I have been pretty busy and also shut down emotionally for a little while. The six month mark was on May 6th, a tough day for me. Well...not as tough as I thought it would be, but still not easy. It was actually May 5th that I thought, holy cow I am not going to get through tomorrow. It all started by having a hellish day, long, drawn out and overtired. Then that evening as I was in the bathroom, Faith decide to give Brenna a haircut. A very short, very "stylish" cut. Brenna now has a "boy cut", you know the one, very short all over, spikey in the back and you have to wear earings and baretts so everyone knows you are a girl. I was livid., but finally realized that I need to cut the girl a break and not worry about it, after all it was only hair and it will grow back. I try and try to get her in for a cut, but everywhere was "booked" but there was not a soul in the shop. It was 30 minutes before closing time, but.......Oh well, we got it taken care of that morning. On top of that, I bought pine straw, not realizing how heavy and how long it will take me to put it all down! Ooops. Then I decide to take Faith and get a haircut. She wanted a short cut too, but I said the only way she was getting it cut was if she got it like Bren's so maybe she will learn not to do it again. Then as we are gettng the cut I met a man that knew Joel. It was a good meeting, but it was still hard. Overall, the 6th was not as bad as I thought it would be, the girls kept me going all day long and I finally realized that part of this may have been Joel's doing to keep me going...to make me realize, hey these girls need you more and you need to kick it in the rear Mary or you are going to miss out. Maybe not, but I like to beleive that. After the 6th all went smooth for a short while, just got very antsy about this leadership award I was going to go accept for him in DC. I was quite, short tempmered, agitated a lot and just plain grumpy. I avoided most forms of communication for a while, but I guess that was my coping mechanism for now. My mother came down on the 11th to help me with the girls while I went to DC. I am so greatful for that too. I could not have done this without her, but also to have her with me on Mothers Day was a blessing and I would not have made it through that day with out her. This would have been the first mothers day in 3 years that he would have been home. It would have been a wonderful blessing to have him there, but I had my mother and we honored him too, so it was still a good day. I guess I am now ready to talk, now ready to share some of these things and not hide behind my wall of seclusion. It may take the edge of a little for me, but in reality it makes it more difficult in the end. I am human and I need to talk to feel better but at times I guess I feel like it is ok to bottle up and be mad, but not for long. It has now been a week longer and here I am, just now getting it together to get these on my blog. I guess I was still not ready to talk, to share and to let it out. I think I am now.