Tuesday, May 16th Arlington

Today I spent the afternoon with Joel, a good two hours if not more. I went with a friend up to Ft Meyer, bought him flowers, ordered flowers for Memorial Day and bought some baby wipes to clean up the headstone. Purchasing those items was more tasking and overwhelming than I thought they would be. I cried when I picked up the wipes, thinking....damn it ....our real life relationship has been reduced to me cleaning his headstone. I purchased the flowers and all I could do was sniffle and try to keep the tears at bay but it was hard. The lady in the flowershop was so nice, she acknowledged it but also carried on and did not bottle up and get flustered as some do when they realize why I am upset or that Joel has died. Finally I make it down to Arlington to lay the flowers at his gravesite, I have never cried so hard before going to see him...I was so teary and upset that I could not really see where I was going, just the outline of the headstones so I would not trip and fall. I sat there, I cried and I prayed for him to be with me, it was one of the hardest times for me. I was there, but I was alone, I was here to honor him, our anniversary one more time and to honor him by accepting the MacArthur Award. I did not want to be there, I did not want to do this for him, I would have gladly supported him while he did it, but not receive it for him. However, I was not given a choice the day he walked through the gates to heaven and here I am, left to carry on what he would have done, ultimately what he would want me to do for him. I remember kneeling there, my head resting on his headstone, my left arm curved around the back into a hug, more so holding me up and I just wanted to get up and run, to escape all of the pain. I remember hearing this rusteling noise(my trash bag for the dirty wipes) and I glanced up thinking someone was watching me. I looked up and all I saw was a dark figure standing over me....I looked again and it was gone. I know in my heart it was Joel, he was with me and for a shortwhile after that I felt at peace. I know the doubters out there would say....phooey....it was only your imagination...you are over reacting. I know in my heart it was him. I know he was with me during that very hard time for me. I then spent some more time cleaning up Joel's headstone, saw an older man walking around an area near where Joel is buried and I walked over to him...I could tell he was crying and upset. As I walked over I realized this is a larger section of the OIF/OEF burial section of Arlington. I walked up to the man, after a few moments of trying to decide if I should or not and I asked him..."is this your son?" He said, "yes, this is my baby. Six months ago today I received that horrible knock." I could understand the horrible feeling and emotions he was experiencing. I could relate to him clearly. We hugged and talked for a while and then I went on my way. I am so greatful I did that, I am so greatful that I put a family with this name and know another brave young man that Joel is up in heaven with.This final part to the day put me at ease, allowed me to go visit Joel one more time, leave my cards, lollipops of the girls that they would have teased papa with and a smothering of kisses on his headstone. I know that sounds ridiculous, but I did. I kissed his headstone quite a few times. I had to....I know he would do the same thing. I was then able to finally leave his gravesite and deliver the flowers to his friend's grave and clean it up too. Joe is not far from Joel and I know they are together in heaven, enjoying eachother once again and living a life of happiness and ultimate glory until they have their loved one back wit them. I miss Joel...I miss him so very much and I cannot wait to be with him again. I just pray I have a long, full and happy life with my girls. Watching them grow into young women with families of their own. I cannot wait to be with him again, but I can wait as well.