The visit

Have you ever done something or gone somewhere and all the sudden, everything just clicks? It all seems to fit and everything seems to be ok? For me, my visit to Arlington last weekend was just that. Something clicked and I realized that it is ok for me to move on, it is ok for me to look forward and see another future and life. Another life, without Joel here in bodily form, but still very much a presence in spirit. As the girls and I were laying roses on Saturday and visiting with other widows, it just clicked, Joel would want me and the girls to be happy, he would want us to have a full and love filled life. He would want me to do what is going to make me and the girls happy. He would not want me staying around the Army post becuase that is what we last had or he surely would not want me moving to DC to be close to his grave. He would hate that, he always hated DC/VA area for living and did not want the girls growing up there. He would however want me to be somewhere that we are happy, somewhere that we can grow and live a full life. I am ready to make a decision now, I am ready to move forward and get going on this life. Joel will forever be a part of our lives and a constant reminder of what we once had, he will still keep us going. He will forever be MY HUSBAND and never forgotten, by me or our girls. I know he would support me in this decision and endeavor. We will get there, and we will suceed.

What makes Faith Happy

My Faith, my little girl who is constantly listening and absorbing, taking it all in and keeping it all in. The little girl is afraid of her own emotions when it comes to mama, but with others, it is ok to let it out. She does not like to cry in front of me, she is afraid it will make me sad, so she holds it in. Same with Joel, she does not like to bring it up a whole lot, because she is afraid it will make me sad. This is tough for me to swallow at times, but others, I do ok....Enough of the explanation...here is the story. Today I went to pick Faith up from school, she stayed in the after school program because I was running around doing errands and ran late. When I went in, the lady who runs the program substituted in her class today and told me a story. In religion today they were talking about what makes us happy, they had to do an project of who was happy, then they had to tell the class what makes them happy. Faith's happy moment was "going to see papa's grave". I cried, but tears of joy for once. It made me so happy to hear she was ok with this. I asked her a ton of times, but she never really responded, so to hear this today just made me so happy. I asked her and she just grinned. It made my day. I think a few things that helped us both were the fact that I made a big deal out of this, we made little stepping stones that we laid at the headstone, took pictures, bought wipes just to clean his headstone and a friends husbands, MAJ Sloan. I think we did it right this time and she knows that it is ok to do these things and talk about it. That papa is still a part of our lives.

I'm back!!

Well after a few weeks of not being able to pull up my blog, I finally figured out what the issue was and here I am! I hope I have not lost any of you forever!! I had tried everything and then all the sudden, an idea popped in my head and I fixed the whole problem! Yeah me, it only took me 2 weeks or more to do it!! In the last few weeks a lot of things have happened. The girls and I got to me president Bush, (I may have blogged this already), that was an incredible time for all three of us and we just got the photo's they are amazing and it is great to have these memories. Faith was asked if she wanted to start racing with her speed team!! Yeah!! I was pretty excited about that and so was she! She is flying around the rink and doing really well. Me on the other hand, I have a lot left to learn. Bren has started skating a lot too and she is going to be a good skater, she is fast. I think it is the shorter legs and the big ol' muscles she has in those legs from all the dancing she does. The girls and I just went to DC this last weekend to lay roses at Arlington with a group of people. It was pretty incredible and pretty darn cold. I could hardley beleive how cold it was. We had a great time, Bren played with other kids and realized that she is not the only one who lost her papa(or daddy). Faith took a ton of pictures and totally grasped the concept of why we were there. The patriot guard from DC/VA/MD were there and helped, it was pretty awesome to meet some of these people and thank them for all they do for our soldiers and their families. For instance, I know that they go to funerals and memorial services for the fallen, but also if they know someone or a group will be protesting outside of a funeral or memorial service, they are there to block these idiots from the family and friends. This happened at a memorial service for my husband, it made me feel so good to know this. It was just great to meet them and say thank you. On the way home we all saw some soldiers, I said thank you to them, but that is all I could say. I wanted to say more, but then again.....they were heading back to Iraq, or just coming home and I sure did not want to put a damper on their leave time. Oh well. Well, I am going to try harder to post and get things on as often as possible. I am staying busy trying to finish up the house and get things done so I don't have to work anymore on this thing.