New House

Well, I have an offer pending on a new home in Houston. It is not where I said I thought I was going to be, but oh well. BEcause of jobs and such, I needed to start looking in the East Houston side, it is a place called Ataskacita(I am spelling it how it sounds, I know this is not right at all!) It is right near Lake Houston, but on the good side of the lake(the west side). It is a wonderful house, it does not need an ounce of work, but normal maintenance and upkeep. It has a good size backyard, which is unusual for that area and subdivision and it is two stories. Which means I can make the girls contain their messes up stairs and keep the main floor nice, neat and clean. OH how nice that will be!!! I am really excited about this move, not just because it is a new chapter, but because I feel like I belong in Texas, I fit in there, and like my daddy, we both feel like we could have been born and raised there, only we have never lived a day there(well except when I was in the Army, I was there for 2 months). I don't know if you have ever gone somewhere, a town, a city, a little town in the country and you immediatly got the sense that you fit in, that this is home, where you belong? That is how it is with me and tExas, always has been. Even with the horrendous traffic of Houston, and I hate to drive in traffic(it scares me) I could not feel more at ease about this move. It is almost like I am going home, but only......I have never been there before.

164th Posts

As I logged on to do a little blogging, I saw on my homepage that I have a total of 153 post. Wow, that is a heck of a lot more than I ever thought I wrote, but also, can imagine if I had not missed to many weeks!! I would have triple that!! Haha, I thought it was funny as I looked at, sad though too. Sad to know that I have 163 postings that are 90% related to my pain, greif, loss and love. I know it is great to write, I know that it helps me express my feelings and thoughts in ways I normally cannot, but it is also sad to see in numbers the amount of postings, big and little that I have written, all based on pain and loss. I know as the girls get older and want to read about these things, it will be good for them to have. It is something that I don't know if I want them remembering the pain mama was in, but at the same time, it is soooo important for them to realize that we all experienced Joel's death differently, that all of the "mean mommy"(that is what bren calls me on my bad days) moments were more often than not a result of my grief. That their papa made more impressions on our lives than they can even remember now, even after he was gone. So anyways, 163 postings later and I am still here. A little stronger in some peoples opinion, a little more worse for the wear in my opinion!

Sleepless Nights

I have had a lot of sleepless nights lately. I am not completely sure why, but I have a good idea. I know I have had a little more stress lately, with getting the house ready, trying to find a new home in TX, finding schools(anyone have suggestions, let me know!!! private or public), and all the other bull honkey that come with moving. Also, with the unit gone now, I have spent countless hours remembering the day Joel left, the day he came home on leave, what he said to me, the words he used and everything else that we talked about. I do that frequently, but in the last week or so, it has been much more frequent, if not constantly. I have been having such a hard time sleeping that the other night I got out of bed and started cleaning, thinking for sure that would make me tired. Well at 230am I got back into bed, still wide awake, thinking of Joel and the move, and decided to try and read. That should put anyone to sleep, right? Well at 3am I decided I needed to just close my eyes or I would still be awake at 630 with the girls. I was so tired yesterday, so much that I thought for sure I could take a nap. I layed down on the couch, covered up with a blanket and tried to fall asleep, not a chance! So for the first time since JOel died I took a sleeping pill, wowie, zowie I slept like a rock, did not remember any of the crazy dreams I may or may not have had. FAith actually had to wake me up this am adn say, "mama, don't we have school today!" I did not hear my alarm, nor do I remember my little one crawling into bed with me. That was a little scary too, I thought, geeze what if they needed me and I did not hear them because of the pills I took or there was an emergency and I slept right through it. Not a good thing. So, as much as I think I need to take them again tonight, I don't think I will. I need to be able to hear the girls if they need me, I need to be able to get up running if need be. Oh well, one sleep fulfilled night should do it for the next month or so, right?!! My mom tells me she never slept while all of us kids were home. I sure as heck hope that is not the truth.

On the move, once again

Well, as the title reads, the girls and I are on the move again. This time it will be the last move for a long, long time. I am ready to be done moving. We have decided to leave Columbus, for good. I love GA. I do. It is just with the unit leaving this week for Iraq, once again, I have realized that it is time for me to be on my way. Columbus has given us all we need and will get. We have gained so much from this part of our life, but it is time to move on. A very, very good friend of mine left on Friday for Iraq. I saw him and his family last Friday for our good bye's. I hugged him and said, "stay safe, be careful over there." He said, "I will". The same thing Joel said the last day I saw him, I hugged him harder and cried even more. It was so hard to say good by to him. I know he will be ok, I know he knows the situation over there, he was there when Joel died and saw men die. I just cannot get past it. not today anyways. Even with that said, before all of this happened, I had already made the decision to get on the move. The girls and I will be moving to Houston, TX. Or rather, on the way outskirts of Houston in a town called Lake Conroe. Or I think that is the area that we are going to move through. This seems to be the best area for us right now. I have been seing someone, for a while, and I know this is the man that I want to be with, that the girls love, and that Joel would want us to be with. Joel knew him in a work relationship and I think he knew the type of man he is. So, we will be on the move, down to meet up with him. He left last week for a job down there and the girls and I will take three months to get ready, while he gets settled and finds a home. I have known this man for a while, and the fact that he knew Joel, that he is not afraid to talk to the girls abouth their papa makes it that much easier. Also, the fact that Joel's mother understands and is supportive makes it a little easier too. That is important to me, and probably will be for a while. I just wanted to share this. I have more to share, but I am to tired to keep writing now. I am seeing double and am hoping that all the words are spelled write!

Thank You

Hello all! Thank you so much for you concern and check-ins. I appreciate it so much. I read the e-mails tonight and thought, oh my goodness, I need to drop a note and check in. Yes, I am doing ok. A lot has happened in the last few weeks since I have been on. I will catch you up in the next blog. Yes, I am ok after all of the storms here in GA. My neighborhood, thank God, did not get hit at all. We had rain and wind, but no damage. I actually did not know about the storm until it was on us. I do not get cable and usually listen to cd's in the car, so I am almost always out of the loop on the weather. When I heard the sirens, I thought I better check the weather on line. Thank God, once again. Most of the North side of Columbus was hit pretty hard and the house that the girls and I used to share with Joel had a good amount of damage. I learned this from a neighbor the other day. I had a few trees cut down right before I moved out, just in case of this situation and the two trees I left up ended up falling and damaging the home and storage shed. I know this sounds selfish, but I am glad we were not there for that. We are all doing well. I am now 30 as of the 3rd and Faith is now 6. SHe is always reminding me too, so I only feel as if I am getting older by the day. Today as we were skating, well the girls, my skates are in need of repair right now, they were both flying and falling but getting back up and just going. I looked at them both and told them how proud of them I was and that they were so brave and strong. I felt like the luckiest mom on earth. If you ever have seen speed skating, you know how hard it is and how scary it is when they go fast and make the quick passes and turns. My girls are brave!! I realized then, after another parent skated by and said, they are the lucky ones, you make them brave and strong, that yes, I do. I do give them a lot and I never look back at it twice. I just keep going. That is what Joel would want, but that is, most important, what I want. Well, I am going to share another message with you all. In a moment. Be prepared. Also, Happy Birthday Glo!! I am glad I helped you through a moment in your life, at a time when I did not think I could help anyone, not even myself. Thank you, thank you!!!!!