IN debate

Well, I am still debating about what to do for the girls and I. I have been considering a few things very seriously, but am still up in the air. I am really considering the beach, for many reasons. The first reason being, it was Joel's favorite place and when we first moved to Savannah we spent almost every weekend at the beach. It did not matter what the temperature was, what the weather was like or what moods we were in. We made a point to go walking each weekend on the beach and Faith loved it. We all had a love for the ocean and it became an important part to our life while in Savannah. The second reason being, Faith has so many memories of the ocean and when Bren looks at pictures at the beach, she starts to remember or make up her own memories. I think it might be a special moment for all of us. I have also talked to Joel's parents about this and offered for them to come for the weekend. I thought it might be a good time for us to reconnect, remember and honor him. I know a year will have gone by and it will be a tough day, but it can also be a special time for us. I have to say, one of the reasons for wanting to do something different for this day is because of what I call "my fear". The memories of that day haunt me, all the time. The memories of the knock on the door, making the phone calls, writing the e-mail to let everyone know, the days to follow, telling my children. Those memories haunt me and I am afraid that if I am here, if I am around the house, the memories will haunt me even more. The day will be even more unbearable. I know it is all a fear and I know I have a tendancy to make things seem worse than they really will be.....but I don't want to find out if I am imagining it.....I can not endure what I went through that day and the months to follow, not ever again. Even if it is only reliving those moments , I dont think emotionally I can handle it. Not right now. So I guess I feel like running to the beach with my babies might be the best answer. I know this is rambeled and random......but that is how my brain feels right now. I will figure it all out. I just need to do what is going to make all of us happy and comfortable.

Been A While

Well, it has been a while since I have blogged. Between skating with the girls, dance, gymnastics and the house, I have been so overwhelmed! Well, just plain busy is a better term. We are all doing well. Faith has all of the sudden come into a new little person. She is so happy right now. She is finding humor in almost everything and she has this infectious laugh that makes me grin from ear to ear. The fact that she is finding humor, love, and laughter in her daily life is so important to me. She just has so much life in her. It truly brings a smile to my face and joy to my heart knowing that I am raising a happy, healthy little girl who is going to be ok through all of this stuff. Brenn on the other hand is finding her comical side. She has all the sudden become quite the comedian who loves to make people laugh, loves to dance and entertain. I am convinced this little one is going to be in theater or something. She just cracks me up all day. I kept her home from school a lot last week, and she was constantly keeping me going. Dancing around, helping me do the laundry, cleaning up while she danced. It was so much fun and we both had a great time, until the sleep monster would creep in and she would get grumpy, but.......I will take what I can get! I am realizing that things are shaping up ok and that we are all going to be ok. The girls in the last few days have really showed me that they are pulling through and I will be darn, it did take almost a year. Holy cow. You always here, "the first year is the hardest" and I know that from experience, but to see your child pull through and all of the sudden come out of this darkness into this happy love filled child is amazing. I am so proud of those two little girls. I cannot beleive how strong and amazing they are. In a little less than 7 weeks it will be the one year mark.....I am not sure what to do for this day....a day that will be overwhelming, filled with flashbacks of a year ago and conversations and moments in life I wish I could change. I want to do something special for the girls and I, I wanted to go up to DC, but Faith told me she is not ready to go see papa again, so I do not want to push her. I know we will go again soon, but on her time, not mine. So I was thinking about going to the beach for a few days and just hanging out and remembering the times with Joel that we all spent there. I think it would be good, but maybe to hard for this time. Any suggestions? One friend told me to take the girls to Orlando, down to Disney.....any more suggestions from you all?

Brenna

Tonight my little girls went to bed, no unusual fussing, just the normal stuff.....so I am sitting on the couch, thinking about Steve Irwin's death(the croccodile hunter) and watching a special on Micheal J. Fox. Could I have gotten any more saddness in tv selections?! Bren comes out of her room and says, "mama, will you lay with me?" I said, no, you need to start falling asleep on your own. So she kind of throws a tantrum, starts to walk back to her room, turns around and says, "mama, will you let me snuggle with you?" How can you turn down a question like that, with those sweet little eyes just begging you to say yes? So I cave, let her sit on the couch with me and snuggle and the next thing I know, she is rubbing my arm and asking me, "mama does it make you feel good too?" I always rub their arm or back when I am holding them or laying with them. I guess it is something I got from my mother. I guess it makes Bren feel good and it sure made me feel good too. So the next thing I know, the rubbing stops and she is passed out in my lap, as comfy as can be, as happy as possible. I have not felt that joy of your child falling asleep in your lap for quite a while. I missed it and it made me feel so good, loved and happy. These girls certainly keep me going.

Optimistic

I am feeling a little more optimistic today, and hopefully for sometime to come, can you tell by the changes on the site?! Yeah me!

Speed Skate

I have started speed skating with faith, it is great. We both have a great time and enjoy doing it. I guess I get a kick out of knowing that I am out there, with the silly looking helmet, skating around, looking kind of goofy, but loving it. I get to be with my girls, I get to skate up on them, tickle them and try to get them to go harder. It is a lot of fun. Faith loves it when I skate with her and I hope as she gets older, we will have fun doing it together and maybe racing. She keeps me going and I am enjoying learning how to do all of this and I am enjoying watching Faith go faster and harder each practice. I am getting better, daily and skating has a lot to do with it right now. I enjoy it and I know the girls are having fun. Bren skates a little, but most of the time, she is running around like a little houligan chasing the other kids. She loves it. I am glad we are all doing this and I hope that some day this will be something we do together as a group and enjoy it. My girls, their health and our happiness means so much to me and I know by skating together, that will incorporate all three of those important facts.