IN debate

Well, I am still debating about what to do for the girls and I. I have been considering a few things very seriously, but am still up in the air. I am really considering the beach, for many reasons. The first reason being, it was Joel's favorite place and when we first moved to Savannah we spent almost every weekend at the beach. It did not matter what the temperature was, what the weather was like or what moods we were in. We made a point to go walking each weekend on the beach and Faith loved it. We all had a love for the ocean and it became an important part to our life while in Savannah. The second reason being, Faith has so many memories of the ocean and when Bren looks at pictures at the beach, she starts to remember or make up her own memories. I think it might be a special moment for all of us. I have also talked to Joel's parents about this and offered for them to come for the weekend. I thought it might be a good time for us to reconnect, remember and honor him. I know a year will have gone by and it will be a tough day, but it can also be a special time for us. I have to say, one of the reasons for wanting to do something different for this day is because of what I call "my fear". The memories of that day haunt me, all the time. The memories of the knock on the door, making the phone calls, writing the e-mail to let everyone know, the days to follow, telling my children. Those memories haunt me and I am afraid that if I am here, if I am around the house, the memories will haunt me even more. The day will be even more unbearable. I know it is all a fear and I know I have a tendancy to make things seem worse than they really will be.....but I don't want to find out if I am imagining it.....I can not endure what I went through that day and the months to follow, not ever again. Even if it is only reliving those moments , I dont think emotionally I can handle it. Not right now. So I guess I feel like running to the beach with my babies might be the best answer. I know this is rambeled and random......but that is how my brain feels right now. I will figure it all out. I just need to do what is going to make all of us happy and comfortable.