Hot or Cold

Have you ever looked at the sink handle, the ones that have either a red and blue strip running across the back of the handle, telling you the direction to turn your handle in, or the ones with the blue dots and the red dots(telling you the temperature). I am sure you have!! I have a couple of those in my "new" old house and I grew up knowing that red was hot and blue was cold. It was just normal. Have you ever looked at these handles, lately, as an adult, and thought.....now which one makes the water hot? If you have not, I feel really dumb right now! In the last few weeks, I have done it so often that I am starting to feel like I am showing early on set alzheimers. I know a lot of it is widows moments and just being plane busy with substituting and the girls, but some times, I am not so sure. I just realized today, as I was trying to stay sane and not have to many "Joel" moments(I was substituting in Kindergarten, can't go to emotional on them, they will go crazy!!!) that I was having a lot of "moments" of forgetting what was hot or cold on the faucet. I decided to just blame it on widow moments and not anything else. For goodness sake, I grew up with those "color identifiers", I should know this!! Haha. I hope some of you got a little laugh, and if you experience this too........maybe we can relate!

SPC Mitchel Mutz

On Wednesday, Nov 22, I drove through a small town in South Texas. We were going to a small ranch community near Vicotria TX. As we were driving through Floresville Tx, we drove behind a motorcade of 12 police vehicles escorting a hearse. I knew then that they were bringing home another fallen soldier. I just knew it in my heart. I think I sat there and cried and cried as we drove through the small town, drove through this little community that we saw supporting this soldier, what he gave and his family. My mind immediately went back to the day Joel was brought home. The day that seemed to take forever. So when I returned home, I looked up this small town, and found out who the soldier was. He was a young 23 year old man, from Falls City, TX. He was on his second deployment to Iraq and only a few months into it. He was killed in the same manner Joel was and left behind a mother, father, brother and grandparents. My heart goes out to this family. I understand all to well the pain. I will keep this young man in my prayers and his family. I am greatful that I drove up on this, it made me realize once again how strong on a country we live in and how greatful so many people are.

Random thoughts

It is hard to beleive that one year ago, I was moving through pea soup thick fog. That one year ago I had just buried my husband and tried to move through each day. The 18th of November was the day that we buried Joel in Arlington. On that day this year, I thought of it all day long, what we did at certain times, who I saw, what I did and how I felt. I re-read articles from the funeral and relived that day. I forgot to send flowers and I regret that, very much. I just realized that I did not send flowers for Thanksgiving and I am a little upset with myself. I am going to call right now and put a order in to get it there as soon as possible. I feel like so bad about that. I know it is only his burial site and he is spiritualy not there, it is his body that God leant him, but....I still feel that I need to decorate and take care of him as if it was him. I know that sounds so silly.....but I do not have anything else left to do for him in that way. So....where does this leave me right now. Feeling guilt and regret that I forgot to do something that has seemed so important. I hate widow moments, I hate the forgetfulness that I have and I hate the moments that trigger the feelings of sadness, loneliness and regret. I miss him so much.

Long Time

It has been a while since I have posted anything on the site. Not that I am giving this, not right now. I have just been so busy, with work, the girls, our activities, the house and a very good friend, who has recently become more than a friend. I have been plain busy. More about the friend later, when I am ready to talk about it. I am on a little vacation with the girls right now, down in TX, enjoying the warmer weather than we are used to. We are all enjoying our selves and having a wonderful time. This Thanksgiving is approaching fast and today I am finding myself more unprepaired for it than I thought I was. Last year, Thanksgiving was a fog. We were at a friends house, enjoying the day and company...going through the motions. This year, we are really doing it. The fog has lifted some and we are actually going through the motions and having a Thanksgiving that will truly carry the meaning of the holiday. I am not sure how to do it. I am not sure how to move throught this day. Everyone says the first's are always the hardest, and damnit do I know that from last year and when Bradley died, but they never told me what the second would be like and with Brad, it was so different the second year, I had Joel. I spent Thanksgiving with his family and him. I never went through the second's of Brads's death without Joel in my life. He filled that void, he gave me purpose and joy. I still have purpose and I still have joy, but with these two little girls and their big beautiful eyes looking at me, how do I fulfill their dreams for great holiday wishes. How do I make sure they are satisfied? I know we will make it and I know I can do it, but I just want to make sure that we get there with little disaster and catastrophy. As of this moment, I am not sure. I know I will fulfill some of their dreams this weekend, they get to ride horses this weekend and spend time on a real "ranch", two things Faith has talked a lot about. The horse riding has been a dream since she was 3 and something that she has never forgotten. Her papa promised that he would take her riding some day, when she was older, so I am trying to help fulfill that promise. I just pray it is what he and she would have come up with. I worry that with the holidays coming up, I will fall back into the abyss. I will sink away again and not return. I don't want that to happen. I remember Christmas last year, I always go to midnight mass or a mass on christmas eve and that year, I sat on the couch in my mom's living room and curled up into a ball in the corner of the couch and bauled, telling my parent's I could not go, that I was not ready. I fell into the abyss and slowly dug my way out. I do not want to do that again. I do not want to fall away from my children again. They need me more now than ever. Faith has started her grieving process and I cannot be away from her. It took her a year to start grieving and she needs me now more than ever. She needs a strong mama and I cannot let the holidays and what they meant to Joel and I pull me away from her in her time of need. I did not realize Faith started grieving until I had a little talk with her teacher. I spoke with the school counselor, who then spoke with Faith and we concluded that she just moved into her grieving period, that she finally accepted the death and what it meant. I hate that she has to go through this, in a way, again, and I hate that I have to enter the fog again. But, for my child, I will. My baby needs me and I need her to be healthy and ok with Joel's death. I need her to understand it and accept it and the holidays that come too. So this is only another reason why I need to get through this, to move forward and stay strong. I will figure it out, I just am not sure how to at this moment. I just do not know what the holidays will bring. However, like my therapist said, "you cannot anticipate what you will feel on those days. They have not happened yet. If you try to anticipate your feelings, you will be predicting your mood and the setting for those days." I get it. I understand that, but still......the worry and fear can be overwhelming.

One last post

As I sat here thinking about what I just wrote, I decided I need to write something down, something for me to remember later and something for my girls as they get older. Today as I thought about how I was going through this day, I realized something that I decided was very important. Today is another day, yes it is the one year marker day for me since Joel died, but I miss him every day. I miss him terribly and each day is a blessing that I have with my children and we have to cherish each day and each moment we get. We have to include him daily and honor him. We do this, without fail Joel is a part of our lives. I realized that Sunday was the hardest day for me and the first Sunday of each November will probably be tough for a long time to come. The 6th is a day that I will never forget, but I made a consiouse(sp??) decision to take this day to honor him, to make his memories even more special and not to break down and pull myself into this ball of pain, torture and agony for this day. This is not what my girls need and this is certainly what Joel would not want. I need to remember what his life was about, I need to, especially on this day, teach my girls about their papa and brings up all the memories that we have. I need to help them honor his life and to honor the fact that we made it this year and in the following years, honor all the accomplishments we have had in the years to come. I know this is what Joel would have wanted and i know that this is the best way to do it. I refuse to pull myself into a ball and mourn and grieve all over again, I did it for so long after his death that I don't want to do it again. Iwill feel what I am feeling, feel the pain, the heartache, the loneliness and the love, but I refuse to let it over run me and take me down. I will feel it, acknowldge it and accept it. I will never deny what I feel for my husband and my loss, but I will never let it over take me again. This is how I got through the day. This is how I will get through the next year and the years to come. I will never deny my love for him and I will never hide it from my children, friends or any future people to come. I will never deny the pain, but I will not let it take me down.

One Year today

The one year mark is today, as so many of you know. I guess I stayed away from all types of communication to keep myself sheltered these last few days. This weekend the girls and I just took it easy, we painted pottery on Saturday and then spent the rest of the day with a very good friend of mine, S. Her daughter and my girls had a wonderful day and I had a great time with her. It was a wonderful day and it certainly took my mind off of what day was to come. Yesterday was probably the hardest day for me. It was Sunday and last year, and hour from this time, I received that dreadful knock, that horrific news that no person ever wants to receive, for the second time in my life.(the first being my brother on my first day of college my sophmore year). I just kept remembering what happened one year ago on Sunday, Nov 6th. I remember being on the phone with my best friend, I rememer thinking..."who the hell is knocking on my door after 8pm? Everyone I know knows my kids are in bed and not to knock loudly." That is when I walked around the side of the garage and saw the two men standing there in uniform and I knew. I just knew why they were and all I could do was stand there and think...what, why..how. I remember telling K. that I had to go and I would call her later. I just hung up the phone. I remembered walking to the front door, to the side door, then to the front door again, I was so confused as to which door to go in. I remember going into the front door, sitting on the couch in the great room, looking at Joel's pride and joy t.v. and thinking he will never be there again to see it. I remember trying to listen to the officer reading the orders to me, thinking....what the hell happened here. He has been over there before, this was his third deployment...how could this happen now. My first question was, did he suffer? How did it happen? Can you get my neighbor KG? What am I going to tell my girls?" I am so thankful that they were asleep when this happened. I am so thankful that I gave them some benadryl for their allergies and they went to sleep easily and early. I can only imagine if they had been awake and seen this, heard this from someone else other than me. Oh my God that would have been horrible. I remember sitting there, thinking, this is all the stuff I had been trained in for FRG and here I am, sitting here, the one receiving the news, the one who knows what to do for others, but I cannot do a damn thing for myself. I remember all the people showing up that night to be there for me, for the girls, to just hold me. I am so thankful for all of them, M, S, H, J, M, K, and her mom. I just can't imagine what it would have been like if I had been sitting there by myself. I remember calling Joel's mom, hearing the response in the background, wishing I could change it. I remember calling my mom and hearing the pain in her voice and not being able to talk or listen anymore. Just telling my mom that I needed her here, to come and be with me. Joel filled a void for my mom, Joel was so much like my brother Brad that I think it filled that foid, that it gave my mom some peace and love. When they spoke, they always had good conversations and Joel always laughed at my mom like my brother would. When Joel died, I think that void opened again, and that night as I told my mom about Joel's death, I think I could feel it again, I think I knew how it would affect her. This is the first I have spoke of this, but it is time I do. So after last night, and thinking all these things, feeling some of these things again, I decided this morning that I was going to be as positive as I could today. It is going to be another day for the girls and I to celebrate Joel's life and I was not going to be a crazy sad mama for them today. I could not do that to them again. Not like I did just after Joel died. I broke down in front of them to much right after his death, they don't need that again, they need sanity, peace and resolved confidence to get them through and that is what I wanted to do for them today. i think we did it.

One Year has come and gone

One year has come and gone, Yet our love for you grows strong. You touch our dreams, fill our hearts and continue to remain in our thoughts. My days are sad, my nights are hard, but my life is blessed. We love you for all you were, we love you for all you gave. I stay strong for you, I stay strong for your girls, I stay strong for my life. You touched my life, gave me strength, and continue to give me hope. One year has come and gone, yet your memory lives on. One year has come and gone, yet your love is still strong. One year has come and gone......

Saddness

As I sit here waiting for the kindergarten class to come in, I feel such utter sadness. I don't know where it is coming from or why, I just know that it is there. I just know that I can feel it and it hurts. I wish it would ease up, I wish I could make it go away, but today I am having a tough time doing just that. I guess it is a combination of everything going on, but this sadness feels so deep.....I just wish it would go away.