One last post

As I sat here thinking about what I just wrote, I decided I need to write something down, something for me to remember later and something for my girls as they get older. Today as I thought about how I was going through this day, I realized something that I decided was very important. Today is another day, yes it is the one year marker day for me since Joel died, but I miss him every day. I miss him terribly and each day is a blessing that I have with my children and we have to cherish each day and each moment we get. We have to include him daily and honor him. We do this, without fail Joel is a part of our lives. I realized that Sunday was the hardest day for me and the first Sunday of each November will probably be tough for a long time to come. The 6th is a day that I will never forget, but I made a consiouse(sp??) decision to take this day to honor him, to make his memories even more special and not to break down and pull myself into this ball of pain, torture and agony for this day. This is not what my girls need and this is certainly what Joel would not want. I need to remember what his life was about, I need to, especially on this day, teach my girls about their papa and brings up all the memories that we have. I need to help them honor his life and to honor the fact that we made it this year and in the following years, honor all the accomplishments we have had in the years to come. I know this is what Joel would have wanted and i know that this is the best way to do it. I refuse to pull myself into a ball and mourn and grieve all over again, I did it for so long after his death that I don't want to do it again. Iwill feel what I am feeling, feel the pain, the heartache, the loneliness and the love, but I refuse to let it over run me and take me down. I will feel it, acknowldge it and accept it. I will never deny what I feel for my husband and my loss, but I will never let it over take me again. This is how I got through the day. This is how I will get through the next year and the years to come. I will never deny my love for him and I will never hide it from my children, friends or any future people to come. I will never deny the pain, but I will not let it take me down.