Thank You

Thank You all for your helps and comments. I know you are right and we will get there. Justin and I have a wonderful relationship that borders on insanity at times, but I am ok with that because it is who I am. We have had those talks about just being there and not trying to fix everything and usually he does a great job, but I think with the stuff with my folks, he is a little less to tune it out. There is a lot more to my parent's situation than I have written and probably will never, so he takes this into account and uses to psychoanalyse eveything. We will get there again, where he is just there and not trying to fix it. We had a good talk yesterday, so I think we got to the point without hurting eachothers feelings. Justing had his own experience with his parents divorcing when he was older, and I think he is drawing on that to help me through my own, but as I said before, there is so much more to my folks than I have written. Anyways we have gotten past it and worked our tails off on the front of our house. We dug out our front bushes and replaced it with a patio, back breaking work but so worth it!!!! I will send pictures when we are totally done, still have a little more work to do, I best get back to it!! Love to all!

Very Frustrated

Ok, so I am so totally frustrated right now, that I am just being a complete brat. I don't know what to do or say, but this happens often, so any input would be great. Through out the last 2 1/2 years I have my periods of being withdrawn, frustrated or just plain weird, as we all do even when we are not coping with the loss of your soul mate. So I guess I am having one of those days today, not that I really noticed though, I was just goofy. If you knew me like my sister and some of my close friends, you would know that it was fairly normal, but I have days where the goofiness is a little stronger than usual. Today is one of those days, but at the same time in-between my periods of goofiness, I am just quiet(which is not so normal). So to get to the point, Justin has really tuned into this and has kind of made a big deal out of it. I am glad that he does because if he didn't I would probably be angry that he did not notice. So anyways he came up to me and said, "I just want to recognize that you are not yourself right now and it is probably because you mom picked up the last of her stuff today and I am sure it affected you, even though you are not there." Even if he is right, immediatly I got mad. Why should my mom's choices make me sad or upset?!?!(that is my brain thinking and my mouth staying shut). I refuse to see that maybe he is right, but maybe he is. I am just tired of feeling like I am under a microscope when I have one of my moods and I have told him this, but at the same time, is it that big of a deal, at least he notices, at least he cares enough to mention it and bring it up. I am just being a big baby. I guess I need to suck it up and drive on; as Joel would say. What would you all do?

Two More Vidoes

Ok, so I was searching some more for a particular song and I came across two other songs. One is a song that I just heard and I listened to it with the girls. All three of us cried and watched the video. It is an excellent song with a wonderful meaning. It is called God Only Cries. The next song is a song that a friend of mine played for me when my brother died. She found comfort in the song after her uncle died a few short months before my own brother. It is Go Rest High on The Mountain Top by vince gill. I will add the links. Just a few of the little things that get me through days that are dreary and long. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SHLcB3xb2ko God Only Cries For my Joel, your three girls are still loving and missing you everyday. Until we see you again my love. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CRyKg5xMaXA Go Rest High, for my big brother, I love him and miss him so much.

In God We Still Trust

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DiYgpPB1kwU Ok, so I figured it out and now I had to add this one. I have cried so many times watching this one. Yes, I have found a lot of solace in you tube videos!

Had to Share this

I just found this when I was looking for something else, I have to share it. I am sure it has been seen before, but this was my first time seeing it. All I did was cry. Click on the title and it will play a Hootie and Blowfish song with some really cool video. Or Click here! I figured it out! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iWGSWE7yPaU

Weird, weird, weird.

Ok, so it has been a strange start the morning already. This will be short, we need to get running, but I wanted to jot this down real fast. Brenna and I were listening to Hootie and the blowfish as we were cooking up some enchilada's this am. A song came on about someone dying and a part of the verse was "we are all going to die anyways" and so she asked me if that was true. I pride myself on always being honset with my kids, no matter how hard the truth is or how much the truth stinks. So I answered yes and we started talking about it a little and I said, "you remember Great Grandma Rose right? Well, hopefully all of us will live that long and have a full happy life like her." She said, ok but do you think my papa will remember me when I am that old and can see him again? So I answered her of course he will remember you and I shared a story with her about how I know he will remember us and know us when we join him in heaven a very long time from now. She seemed pretty content with all this information and went outside to play with the dogs. Not even 5 minutes after we got done with this conversation another song by Hootie and the Blowfish comes on and it is title Can I see you. Ok, so by now we have left and come back from our little lunch at Justin's work. I have been trying to find the song Can I see you, but no such luck. In the process I did find another song that I think is very cool and very touching. It made me sad, but very proud at the same time. It is the posting below this. Click on the title and it will pop up youtube. I have not figured out how to insert links, so if you all know how, please feel free to let me know!!

This photo was taken when we were in DC for the Marine Corps Marathon. I don't know if you can see all the little lipstick kisses, but the girls covered his headstone in kisses. It was so sweet. Brenna could not get enough on there and Faith only did it once, but like everything she does, it was big it was right and she only had to do it once. I am so glad I have those photo's. This was one of our Christmas Pictures for the year. I did not plan for the pictures to be taken with Joel's flag box, it just happened that way. I guess because it is at the center of our lives, we just naturally gravitated towards it and that is where all the photos happened. I did not realize it until after we had them printed, I am glad that this is where we took them. I am positive it will be a running theme every christmas. This is a photo of Justin and I taken at his Christmas Party. It was a fun night and very relaxing. It was the first time since Joel died that I left the girls with anyone but family or close friends(like my family). I was so nervous, but it was very good for all of us. I know the girls enjoyed the break from us and it was good for me and Justin.

Missed a day

So here I am, back once again. I know I missed yesterday, but it felt like I had a telephone growing out of my ear yesterday, I was on most of the day and most of the night. It was a strange day yesterday. I did get a chance to run, so that was good and Brenna was my big motivator and pusher on that one. It felt good to get out there and have her with me. She is getting a little heavy to push in a jogger stroller, but I don't care, I want her there with me for now. I have some pictures to post from christmas and other things that have happened since then, so I will add those here in a minute. My dad came down for christmas and it was absolutely wonderful to have him here, be able to comfort him and help him through this tough year. The girls just made his week while he was here, they were all over their "white haired" grandpa. It was strange to have him here without my mom, but great that he was here. One good thing that has happened in this mess is that my dad and my older sister have re-established their relationship and I think that is a huge, huge gain for my dad and my sister. I know that has been the light in the darkness for him. Ok...enough about that... On to some pictures!!! Another post coming up!!

1,000 times sorry

Ok, I know I have been gone for a long, long time. I have thought about blogging many, many times but a lot has happened in the last 6 months since I wrote and it has been hard to get back on here and write my heart out. I have wanted to, trust me, but writing my thoughts down felt as though I was putting myself out there for when I was not feeling up to it. I hope that makes sense. So..... Yes, I am ok and the girls are ok and life is moving in a forward direction. And yes, before anyones ask, I am still engaged and we are planning a Thanksgiving wedding, which I will explain the reasons why in a later note. Yes, I ran the marine corps marathon and finished it. One of the reasons why I was not on in the last few weeks before the run was because I broke my toe two days before the Army Ten Miler and could not run it. I was so upset and disappointed. I still went and supported my friends and other widows, but I hobbled along on my crutches. My toe was broken so badly that they wanted to pin it, I said HELL no I will live with a crooked toe before I go through that pain! Toe is better now even after running 26.2 miles on a still broken toe. I am hoping to run it again, I just need to get my mojo up and going and get running again. All of the holidays went pretty well for the most part. It was a strange holiday season for all of us in my family. Some pretty life altering events happened in my family and it shook us all to the core and we still don't understand, but one day I hope to. My mom left my dad after nearly 40 years of marriage, the reasons, the way it happened and the way all of kids feel right now is so not how I remember my life as a child with my mother. It is probably one of the reasons I have not been on as of late. I did not know what to say or write without being angry, I did not know what else to think about for quite a while. Needless to say this consumed my life for quite a while, but I think I am now starting to get on track. My mom left the weekend before Joel's 2nd anniversary and it pretty well put my grieving process on hold for a while. Justin said to me, shortly after that day, "Mary it is going to hit you one day and just know I am here." I did not completely understand what he meant, I just stumbled through those weeks for a while. Well a few weeks before Faiths birthday it hit me and it hit me hard. I got through it with the help of Justin, my girls, my dad and Joel's mom.(I know Joel was there too) I know all of this stuff with my folks is not about it me and it should not affect me the way it has, but when you have lived your life in a certain way for so long and your mom and dad have weather everything together, having children, raising children and lossing them, you think, what is there you can't get through? It was just a blow I was not ready for. Enough of that, it has consumed my life for to long and I refuse to let it consume this note!!! Everything else is good here and I will try to keep on this more. I know I need to, I feel so much better when I write and take time for myself. I need to push the reset button on a few things lately and running and writing are the biggest ones!!! Who knows, when I write tomorrow maybe I will have for my first run in a long time!! Love to all and I have missed you too! Mary