Trip Part I

It has been a while since I have gotten on to blog, so I thought I would start with a brief synopsis of my trip. I was right, I should have forced myself to go to bed the night before the trip. I overslept by 10 minutes and by the time we all got to the airport it was 45 minutes before our flight left. Well, Northwest has changed their policy and if you are 45 minutes or less before your flight, you will not get on your scheduled flight. I wish I had known that!!! I would have had my friend drive faster! Well, it started out with us all getting to the counter up at the gate, getting on standby for the next flight....maggie having a stomach ache and making a mess in her crate....a stinky mess at that........not getting on the flight because it was full too...it is now after 8am and we were there at 535am(my flight left at 620). I am upset and shaking, just now taking note that this is the same gate that I sat in to fly out to DC for Joel's funeral, it is the same airport.....I just wanted to get the hell out of there as fast as I could. I am crying at the counter to get my tickets for the next flight, or put on standby that is. So.....the lady at the counter tells me that I need to stop crying and that it won't get me anywhere. I said, I am sorry but I am upset. Blah...blah...blah.....then I said, I need to get out of this aiport...she tells me this is not my fault or my responsibilty, you should have been here on time...I know that....I overslept and I have two kids and a dog.....I said, you need to just listen to me.....she said, it won't change anything....I said, just hear me out,....I am frustrated....so I tell her about the airport and flying out of here for Joel's funeral and I just need to get the hell out of here, that I hate this airport.....she says...."I here excuses all day long, this won't change anything." AUGH!!!!! I wanted to slap her or choke her, I was so angy. Well, my mom is waiting for me to go to the store with her and the girls.....guess you still have to follow mom's rules when you are in her home....I will put more details on later. Stay tuned for the crazy begining to our "vacation".

Baby A.D.G

Today I went and saw a good friend of mine and her new baby girl. It was a good visit and we talked like we had seen eachother frequently...or at least I did, not sure if I let her talk to much now that I think about it. On the drive over to her house, I cried, most of the way because of the fear, anxiety, pain, and nerves. I was unsure of how I would feel holding baby A. I did not know at all. I knew that if Joel were still alivce, the chances that I would pregnant were great...that I could be in her shoes. The thought of seeing my girls holding a baby, not ours, made my heart jump. The thought of seeing this friend, whom I had not seen in a while made me nervous. We all went, more so because the girls were begging me to see them. I am so glad they did, I am so glad that we went and spent the hour with them that we did. The baby is beautiful and the girls were so excited and happy. They looked great holding the baby and were happy, but damn it, it was hard. I did get teary twice, but I made it. I did not baul all over the baby like I thought I may. I am so glad that we went. It was hard, but this moment also made me realize that life keeps moving. That althought Joel is gone, life renews and keeps growning, that I cannot lay down and hide from new life and ignore it. I must face it, especially my friends and cherish this life, relish in it and enjoy what is. I must keep going forward, even on the rough days and remember that although life may have me down now, at some point, when I am ready, it will havce me up again. Joel will never be gone from my life. Joel will never be forgotten. He will always be my first true love, the father of my beautiful babies and the man who made me the woman I am. Joel is eternally a part of my life and even though he is gone, life must and has to go on. I have two little girls who depend on it. Today was a confirmation of that for me. Thank you K, R and Baby A.

Last Moments

It is after midnight and I need to be up in 3 hours and 50 minutes for our 625 am flight out of ATL. I should be sleeping, I should be resting at least, but right now, I can't. Last year at this time, I was holding Joel, enjoying his presence and the feel of his body in our bed. Not knowing that this would be one of the last times I would hold him. Not knowing that tomorrow I would spend the last full day with him before his trip back to Iraq. That the next day would be the last time he got to play with his girls, hold them, kiss them and be their papa in real life. Had I known....how different I would have made those two weeks. Had I known.......how many times would I have told him I loved him. Had I known.....how little those stupid fights would have meant and how fast they would have faded....I would have dropped my issues with "family" and gotten over it for our last moments. Had he known....what would he have done differntly....I don't know, but I am sure I would have heard I love you 100 times more than I did....heard be good for your mama more than the 100 times I did. I can wish and pray for changes all I want...but I know what we had is what we had and I cannot change it. I just wish, lord do I wish we had just one day where we spent it like we would never see eachother again. Done all the things as a family we wanted to do and forgotten about everything else. How I wish we did that. But I still have our memories and our time together. I still have the vision of him with our girls, those moments are so very important.

Trip

Well, we are all getting ready to take a trip back home to see all of the family. I am a little anxious about all of it. We have not been home since March and some of that was a little strained at a times, but it was still good. I am looking forward to it, but still a little anxious. It is hard for me to be around all of Joel's family and the nieces and nephews and watch the girls playing with them. That was Joel's favorite part of our trips home, he loved seeing the girls with their cousins and it is just heart wrenching knowing that he is not their enjoying this with me. I do not know if his family sees that and knows how difficult it is for me to see all of this. I have come to terms with his death, but I have not yet come to terms with the fact that I will be on my own now and he will not be with me on these trips to visit family. I am not sure if I ever will come to terms with it. My therapist ensures me that I will, but.....how does he know if I don't even know!? Oh well. I know this will be fine and the trip will be the break we all need before we start this new school year. Faith starts kindergarten on August 10th and Bren will start in the pre-k room at her daycare. It is all new and exciting, but hard at the same time. I know Joel would have loved walking his little girl to kindergarten and have been so proud and sad at the same time knowing she is getting so big. I am planning on volunteering my nursing skills to the school and also being involved in Faith's classroom. I am looking forward to that and I think it will keep us all very busy. Faith is excited about school and constantly asking me if Papa is proud of her and how big she is getting. I ensure her that he is and that he with her ev3eryday and guiding her. This makes her smile and laugh. Well, I need to get packing and get ready for our trip. We are taking Maggie, our cocker spaniel, so this will only add to the "fun" of traveling with two kids. The girls are excited to show her off to all of the family though.

Stupid Moment

I had a moment of stupidity today. I am not sure why or how. I met a man today, business related, and I was pulling out some documents that he needed. They were documents related to Joel's death, death certificate, award letters......stuff that brought back a lot of memories. I started to get chocked up and he said to me, I have a disclaimer for today, just like you have one for your moments, I have one for today to excuse my absent mindness. He then began to tell me about his wifes miscarriage today. They have a 12 and 13 year old and just found out they were pregnant a few months ago. We talked, we grieved....we talked. At the end, as he was walking me out I said, this will get better. I was so mad at myself after that. I hate it when people say, "it will get better", it makes me feel so mad and so sure that they have no fricking clue of what I am going through. Yet, I said the one statement to this man, who is at a loss and feels like he has been hit by a ton of bricks, the one statement I have come to hate and now I feel as though I have turned into that one person and said that statement because I did not know what else to say. But I do know what else to say, I do know how it feels to feel at a loss. I just felt so damn stupid and like I have wronged him. I am going to talk to him again tomorrow and I will apologize for that.

Flag Pole

A strange thing happened today, I went outside to pick up a box that was delivered and sitting next to the box was a long rectangular box. This box contains a telescoping flag pole for the yard. I was so confused, I did not buy a flag pole, did not order one. I do not know who it came from or why. I am greatful, don't get me wrong, but I wish I knew who it was that sent it so I could send them a thank you. It is just so strange. To tell you the truth, it made me smile, it made my day and helped me get through this lonely day.

more moments

The girls and I have had a decent day today, touched in a way too. We were driving down the road, the girls were fighting and being REALLY loud. I was thinking in my mind, if Joel were here, he would be helping me with this right now. I started to get choked up and teary and in the back of my head I could here, "what do you see in the clouds". So I looked at the clouds as I was driving and I thought I saw an elephant, or a heffalump as the girls call it. I started to laugh and cry at the same time. Last year when Joel was home, we were driving home from a little day trip and we were all quiet and all of the sudden out of the blue Faith says, "papa, mama, I see a heffalump in the sky!" So Joel and I both looked in the sky after looking at eachother and smiling and trying not to laugh and sure enough, it looked like a heffalump. It was so funny and we spent the next 20 minutes looking for objects in the sky. It was a wonderful memory. At that moment, I knew that he was still with me, the clouds may have just been a coincidence, but it brought me a lot of comfort and as soon as I got the girls focused on the clouds, it was quiet, peaceful and stress-free(well for a moment that is). It is going to be a good day I think, full of memories and laughs, even if some are sad or painful. It will be good.

Ah ha!

Yesterday was a low, low day for me, but mid way through the day, I looked at my calender and realized, holy crap today is the 6th, today is the 8 month mark. Is it possible, that all of this that was going through my mind, was my subconscious recognizing the day? Is it possible that these moments are going to affect me for the rest of my life? I know I need to get a handle on these moments and I will, but I think for now that I need to let them happen, I need to roll with the emotions, the crying, the pain, the questions and doubt, then put myself in check later and move on. Yesterday, I had my few hours, I had my cry, my scream and my prayer time, then I went and picked up FAith, we had lunch and a krispy kreme and picked up Bren and went home and had a quiet movie night. It was perfect and just what we all needed to get through the rest of the day. My children are my strength, my grace and what will keep me going on the days that I just don't want to anymore. My children, the spitting images of my Joel, not just physically, but also in attitude and behavior. Everyday that I see them or hear them do something new, I see Joel in them and most of the time my breath gets caught and then I either hug them tight or laugh my hinney off and think how much joy Joel would have gotten out of their similar antics. Today is a better day, I realize I am doing ok and I realize it is through my children that I saw this, that I came to the realization that I will survive, because of these two girls. We will be ok.

Unsure

Have you ever had one of those days where you wake up and you feel like this is going to be a great day, but then something strikes you and it all goes rolling backwards? I have had a morning like this today. I woke up, had a decent start to the morning, and then on the way to drop the girls off, something happened and I just became so sad, so lost and so disheartened. I don't know what it was. My heart aches for Joel. My arms long to hold him one more time. I just wish he could be here to see our babies, to hold them and help me raise them. The girls are really missing him a lot lately and I don't know how to ease their pain. I don't know how to make it better except to reassure them that we are going to be ok, that papa will be with us in our hearts and dreams, all the time. Until today I have been sure that I am staying here in Columbus for a while, that I am going to push through and survive. This morning I am so lost that part of me wants to pack up the girls and go home to SD to be with my parents. To run away and hide. I have started a new life here, dabbeling in realestate a bit a bit and getting the girls into activities. However, today at this moment, I feel as if this is all hopeless, that I am going in the wrong direction. If Joel were still alive I would be getting ready to make another move, very likely NTC in CA or ROTC somewhere. I know we would be working on our home, getting it ready to be sold, possibly trying for another child and getting our oldest ready for kindergarten. Those dreams and possibilites are now gone, they are lost and hopeless. It is now left up to me and damn it I don't want to go wrong, I don't want to screw any of this up for myself or my girls. What if I was supposed to move home, what if I am supposed to stay here, what is the right answer? How do I know? I have been praying to God and talking to Joel, trying to get the answers, trying to feel it in my heart, but today, it is gone. I can find it nor can I feel it. I feel so hopeless and misdirected. I feel so lost right now.

One Year Ago

One Year ago my precious Joel was home on R and R. One year and a few days ago the girls and I went up to Atlanta to pick him up and hold him for the last time. We had no idea that this would be the last time we were going to be able to spend uninterupted, family time with him. July 1st 2005 was a beautiful day for us. I have pictures of Joel sleeping with our girls, pictures of him just enjoying life and his family. We had a wonderful time. I am so greatful that we had those two weeks, that we had such a wonderful time. I also remember a sad day when we talked about his "what if plans" and I just stood there, looking at him, feeling so afraid and so unsure of the future for the first time during this deployment. I stood there crying and he pulled me into his lap, asked me what was wrong and I said, I feel so insecure for this part of the deployment. He told me he would be ok, that he would be coming home in January. I think he had the same feeling I did though, I don't know, but the day he left, the girls and I left early from the Airport. They were tired, crabby and just plain tough to handle. I remember Joel walking us out to the car, kissing and hugging his babies for the last time. Then him and I stood behind our car and held eachother for the longest time. I remember standing there with him, both of us crying and then he walked back into the airport. As he walked away, I remember wathcing him and I could see the tears still falling. I wonder if he knew. I wonder if he had the same feeling of insecurity that I had. I don't know and I will never know, but I do know that he loved us with all his heart and soul and that to this day he is still with us. I am forever greatful that I have these memories of him. As hard as they have been for me this last week, I am so greatful that I have these memories. It seems that each month has a special meaning and each month I find a new way to deal with all these memories and feelings. I know the girls and I will get through all of this and we will be stonger in the end, but right now it still hurts, it still makes me cry daily, it still makes me look at my girls and think of how much they have lost. But I know their memories will become stonger in time and they will both understand the deep meaning of Joel's death.