Ah ha!

Yesterday was a low, low day for me, but mid way through the day, I looked at my calender and realized, holy crap today is the 6th, today is the 8 month mark. Is it possible, that all of this that was going through my mind, was my subconscious recognizing the day? Is it possible that these moments are going to affect me for the rest of my life? I know I need to get a handle on these moments and I will, but I think for now that I need to let them happen, I need to roll with the emotions, the crying, the pain, the questions and doubt, then put myself in check later and move on. Yesterday, I had my few hours, I had my cry, my scream and my prayer time, then I went and picked up FAith, we had lunch and a krispy kreme and picked up Bren and went home and had a quiet movie night. It was perfect and just what we all needed to get through the rest of the day. My children are my strength, my grace and what will keep me going on the days that I just don't want to anymore. My children, the spitting images of my Joel, not just physically, but also in attitude and behavior. Everyday that I see them or hear them do something new, I see Joel in them and most of the time my breath gets caught and then I either hug them tight or laugh my hinney off and think how much joy Joel would have gotten out of their similar antics. Today is a better day, I realize I am doing ok and I realize it is through my children that I saw this, that I came to the realization that I will survive, because of these two girls. We will be ok.