Last Moments

It is after midnight and I need to be up in 3 hours and 50 minutes for our 625 am flight out of ATL. I should be sleeping, I should be resting at least, but right now, I can't. Last year at this time, I was holding Joel, enjoying his presence and the feel of his body in our bed. Not knowing that this would be one of the last times I would hold him. Not knowing that tomorrow I would spend the last full day with him before his trip back to Iraq. That the next day would be the last time he got to play with his girls, hold them, kiss them and be their papa in real life. Had I known....how different I would have made those two weeks. Had I known.......how many times would I have told him I loved him. Had I known.....how little those stupid fights would have meant and how fast they would have faded....I would have dropped my issues with "family" and gotten over it for our last moments. Had he known....what would he have done differntly....I don't know, but I am sure I would have heard I love you 100 times more than I did....heard be good for your mama more than the 100 times I did. I can wish and pray for changes all I want...but I know what we had is what we had and I cannot change it. I just wish, lord do I wish we had just one day where we spent it like we would never see eachother again. Done all the things as a family we wanted to do and forgotten about everything else. How I wish we did that. But I still have our memories and our time together. I still have the vision of him with our girls, those moments are so very important.