Long Time

It has been a while since I have posted anything on the site. Not that I am giving this, not right now. I have just been so busy, with work, the girls, our activities, the house and a very good friend, who has recently become more than a friend. I have been plain busy. More about the friend later, when I am ready to talk about it. I am on a little vacation with the girls right now, down in TX, enjoying the warmer weather than we are used to. We are all enjoying our selves and having a wonderful time. This Thanksgiving is approaching fast and today I am finding myself more unprepaired for it than I thought I was. Last year, Thanksgiving was a fog. We were at a friends house, enjoying the day and company...going through the motions. This year, we are really doing it. The fog has lifted some and we are actually going through the motions and having a Thanksgiving that will truly carry the meaning of the holiday. I am not sure how to do it. I am not sure how to move throught this day. Everyone says the first's are always the hardest, and damnit do I know that from last year and when Bradley died, but they never told me what the second would be like and with Brad, it was so different the second year, I had Joel. I spent Thanksgiving with his family and him. I never went through the second's of Brads's death without Joel in my life. He filled that void, he gave me purpose and joy. I still have purpose and I still have joy, but with these two little girls and their big beautiful eyes looking at me, how do I fulfill their dreams for great holiday wishes. How do I make sure they are satisfied? I know we will make it and I know I can do it, but I just want to make sure that we get there with little disaster and catastrophy. As of this moment, I am not sure. I know I will fulfill some of their dreams this weekend, they get to ride horses this weekend and spend time on a real "ranch", two things Faith has talked a lot about. The horse riding has been a dream since she was 3 and something that she has never forgotten. Her papa promised that he would take her riding some day, when she was older, so I am trying to help fulfill that promise. I just pray it is what he and she would have come up with. I worry that with the holidays coming up, I will fall back into the abyss. I will sink away again and not return. I don't want that to happen. I remember Christmas last year, I always go to midnight mass or a mass on christmas eve and that year, I sat on the couch in my mom's living room and curled up into a ball in the corner of the couch and bauled, telling my parent's I could not go, that I was not ready. I fell into the abyss and slowly dug my way out. I do not want to do that again. I do not want to fall away from my children again. They need me more now than ever. Faith has started her grieving process and I cannot be away from her. It took her a year to start grieving and she needs me now more than ever. She needs a strong mama and I cannot let the holidays and what they meant to Joel and I pull me away from her in her time of need. I did not realize Faith started grieving until I had a little talk with her teacher. I spoke with the school counselor, who then spoke with Faith and we concluded that she just moved into her grieving period, that she finally accepted the death and what it meant. I hate that she has to go through this, in a way, again, and I hate that I have to enter the fog again. But, for my child, I will. My baby needs me and I need her to be healthy and ok with Joel's death. I need her to understand it and accept it and the holidays that come too. So this is only another reason why I need to get through this, to move forward and stay strong. I will figure it out, I just am not sure how to at this moment. I just do not know what the holidays will bring. However, like my therapist said, "you cannot anticipate what you will feel on those days. They have not happened yet. If you try to anticipate your feelings, you will be predicting your mood and the setting for those days." I get it. I understand that, but still......the worry and fear can be overwhelming.