One Year today

The one year mark is today, as so many of you know. I guess I stayed away from all types of communication to keep myself sheltered these last few days. This weekend the girls and I just took it easy, we painted pottery on Saturday and then spent the rest of the day with a very good friend of mine, S. Her daughter and my girls had a wonderful day and I had a great time with her. It was a wonderful day and it certainly took my mind off of what day was to come. Yesterday was probably the hardest day for me. It was Sunday and last year, and hour from this time, I received that dreadful knock, that horrific news that no person ever wants to receive, for the second time in my life.(the first being my brother on my first day of college my sophmore year). I just kept remembering what happened one year ago on Sunday, Nov 6th. I remember being on the phone with my best friend, I rememer thinking..."who the hell is knocking on my door after 8pm? Everyone I know knows my kids are in bed and not to knock loudly." That is when I walked around the side of the garage and saw the two men standing there in uniform and I knew. I just knew why they were and all I could do was stand there and think...what, why..how. I remember telling K. that I had to go and I would call her later. I just hung up the phone. I remembered walking to the front door, to the side door, then to the front door again, I was so confused as to which door to go in. I remember going into the front door, sitting on the couch in the great room, looking at Joel's pride and joy t.v. and thinking he will never be there again to see it. I remember trying to listen to the officer reading the orders to me, thinking....what the hell happened here. He has been over there before, this was his third deployment...how could this happen now. My first question was, did he suffer? How did it happen? Can you get my neighbor KG? What am I going to tell my girls?" I am so thankful that they were asleep when this happened. I am so thankful that I gave them some benadryl for their allergies and they went to sleep easily and early. I can only imagine if they had been awake and seen this, heard this from someone else other than me. Oh my God that would have been horrible. I remember sitting there, thinking, this is all the stuff I had been trained in for FRG and here I am, sitting here, the one receiving the news, the one who knows what to do for others, but I cannot do a damn thing for myself. I remember all the people showing up that night to be there for me, for the girls, to just hold me. I am so thankful for all of them, M, S, H, J, M, K, and her mom. I just can't imagine what it would have been like if I had been sitting there by myself. I remember calling Joel's mom, hearing the response in the background, wishing I could change it. I remember calling my mom and hearing the pain in her voice and not being able to talk or listen anymore. Just telling my mom that I needed her here, to come and be with me. Joel filled a void for my mom, Joel was so much like my brother Brad that I think it filled that foid, that it gave my mom some peace and love. When they spoke, they always had good conversations and Joel always laughed at my mom like my brother would. When Joel died, I think that void opened again, and that night as I told my mom about Joel's death, I think I could feel it again, I think I knew how it would affect her. This is the first I have spoke of this, but it is time I do. So after last night, and thinking all these things, feeling some of these things again, I decided this morning that I was going to be as positive as I could today. It is going to be another day for the girls and I to celebrate Joel's life and I was not going to be a crazy sad mama for them today. I could not do that to them again. Not like I did just after Joel died. I broke down in front of them to much right after his death, they don't need that again, they need sanity, peace and resolved confidence to get them through and that is what I wanted to do for them today. i think we did it.