One more picture

I thought I would through this one in there, Bren took it of me, along with a dozen more silly ones, but she is so proud of how her pics turned out. I thought I would send it along, let you get a few laughs. Also, I want to do a little poll, a friend of mine thinks Bren looks like me, just want to know your thoughts. I think they both look like Joel, a little like me, but I see Joel more and more. Just curious of your thoughts. I had to add two more pictures, just because they were cute I thought. The first is me, Faith took it and it is a little off. The second is me again, but with a bow in the hair(visible in this one!!). The third is Brenna, she had been silly, but she got a little tired and laid her head on the chair and just stood there, I snapped it as fast as I could, it was a good picture I thought. Let me know if you think she looks like me, I am not seeing it!

Learning how to play soccer

Just wanted to send a few pics of the girls learning how to play soccer, they are both natural athletes and they love to play. I am very proud of that!! That is something they got from their papa, I am not a natural athlete, all I have is the ability to run and swim. The darn dog gets in the way of some of the photo's but it gives you a good idea of just how tall he is! Bren is even getting into soccer and they are having fun playing together. I am glad Faith is playing soccer, she is going to do well and she is so excited about this, for the first time in a long time she cannot wait for it to get better and better! The first picture is Faith acting as the goalie, we don't have a goal yet, so we were using the shed(ignore the mess). The second is Faith kicking it in to Justin, that is just a small glimpse of him. The third is Brenna kicking it in to Faith and she dives for it, it was a pretty nice move, wish I had faster fingers and caught another one of those! The fourth is of Brenna kicking away, it is a little blury, but I thought it was cute. Hope you all enjoy!! I am doing better on keeping this up to date! Yeah me!!

Follow up to Bren

I have gotten a few comments about Brenna's encounter yesterday and I just want to thank you all for your comments and support. I know we are doing the right thing and I know that Bren is a strong beautiful little lady. You all are wonderful, thank you for helping me to realize that all of these things are good and ok. Today, Bren and I went to meet Justin for lunch and to take some homemade chocolate chip cookies to his co workers(there is only 6 of them in the office)and on the way there, Bren had a little meltdown. She was sitting in the back seat and started whimpering a little bit and looked so sad. I asked her if she was ok and she said, "no, I miss my papa so much, my papa who died." I asked her what she missed about him and she said, "I miss swimming with him, riding bikes with him, playing with him and swinging with him. I just miss him mama." I was in tears by now because she has never expressed her pain like this before, part of me was glad she could but the other part of me was splitting in two." I said, I know you miss him honey, but you know he is always with us, no matter what you are doing. She said, "I know mama, but he does not do anything but just lay there." I was a little baffled by the just laying there part, but I figured she meant he did not play or interact with her. So we talked for a few minutes about the afterlife and what I beleive about seeing him again one day, still being able to talk to him and knowing that he is with us still. This is the response that really got me and I hardly kept the tears at a minimum so I could see the road to drive. She said, "Mama, when I die, will he still love me and know me? How will he find me? Mama, why did he walk through the gates to heaven, I thought all angels flew, I know my papa is an angel. I hear him in my ear and he had to fly to me to talk to me." In between stiffled sobs I had to ask her when she hears her papa and what does he say to her? She said(and this really got me) "I hear him say I love you every night, but I don't tell anyone because I don't anyone to tell me its impossible." Man, how do kids get this smart and figure it all out before we do. So I told her that I beleive that she hears her papa talking to her and yes he is an angel, I know he is because of the dreams I have had. I told her she can always tell me when she hears her papa, I will always beleive her because I know it is possible. I also told her that no one can tell her what to beleive, they are her beleifs and if anyone ever tells her that it is not possible, she needs to tell them that they are her beleifs and she beleives in God, the afterlife and that all things are possible. She just smiled at me and said, "I won't ever change my beleifs." God I love my girls more than life itself and everyday I am amazed at their strength and their abilities. They are wonderful girls, how did I get so blessed?

Brenna

Being home with just Brenna has been a huge adjustment for both of us. We are finding new ways to entertain eachother, little ways to control ourselves and with that I mean Bren controlling herself. She has always been really good at throwing tantrums and whining and crying before she even knows the answer to her question. I guess in the past that helped her get her way, but now since it is just her and me she is realzing that it does not work. It has been interesting to say the least. I am still working on her tantrums, but we have gotten the whining and crying under control, I think. I have found new ways to entertain her and me so we are not bored during the day. We go to the zoo, that is a lot of fun but it still a little hot out for that right now. Today we went to the mall and had lunch and I needed to purchase some beauty products(isn't that always fun!) and while we were there, the ladies at the counter saw my military ID and asked me about it, Brenna pipes in right away, "we have that because our papa died in Raq". Both ladies looked at me as if to say, "is she serious" and I responded with, yes that right, he did die in Iraq Bren". Those two ladies were so sweet to her and asked her about her papa and just made her feel so special. I realized right then and there that I am doing the right think, not only by keeping her home with me this year, but also with what I am teaching her about her papa and that it is ok for her to tell anyone she wants. I guess today was a turning point for me and being a stay at home mom. I have been thinking about getting a job and putting her in daycare, but today I realized that one more year with her is not going to hurt either one of us. She needs this and I probaly need it just as much.

A few Photos

Just wanted to share a few photos with you all. The girls have grown so much, I thought you would like to see! 1. This is the Brenna and Maxwell, our Golden Retreiver that we bought when Joel first went to Iraq. He was Faith's puppy, she begged and begged her papa for a puppy and he finally caved when we was in Iraq. She was so happy that day and still remembers when papa said she could get a puppy. 2. This the girls at the pool, enjoying a little break, a snack and eachother(for a very short period!). 3. Faith playing her webkinz in her jammies, I think it was late too!! 4. Just Brenna being Brenna, Faith took this photo with her little digital camera. It is a little fuzzy, but for a six year old, this is a good, cheap camera! And a good photo!

Life in Texas

Well, the last 5 months have been quite interesting living in Texas. I would have to say that the humidity is the number one thing I have had to get used to, but the one thing that I am not so sure about is the traffic. I hate driving in Houston, even to take Faith to school!! We usually walk, but with the rain and then when I was sick I had to drive her. Just to get into the lane to go to school is a nightmare and it is only a 3 or 4 minute drive!! If I have to go anywhere, and I mean anywhere, I don't leave the house until after 9. I made appointments for the girls last month and when she asked me what time, I said, anytime after 9, I refuse to drive on the beltway before then. She laughed at me, hard. I guess this small town and little city girl is not ready for the big city driving. Moving to Texas has also had a lot of advantages, and I am very happy being here. We love our neighborhood and the fact that most of Faith's school friends live right here in our neighborhood. It has helped all of us to heal, a lot. At first it took a lot of explaining that papa is still in the same heaven, but he just moved a little closer to Texas when we did(that was a tough one), the girls have finally understood that it is not where we are but how we remember him. WE have a lot more room to do special things for papa, and I think that has helped a lot. Texas has opened our hearts a little more and brought a little more life back into ours. I think when we were still in GA I was weighted down with all the surroundings, the memories at every corner and the wonder and anxiety of when he will come home. I think when we left, as hard as it was, it finally sunk in that he was not with 3ID anymore and he did not leave again when they left and he is already home, just not our earthly home. All in all, life in Texas is good. We are happy, fulfilled and enjoying life. We still miss our papa, my Joel, we still wish he was here with us, but we are finding ways to move forward everyday and with that we find more joy, peace and love. ps--The picture is one of the girls taken a few months ago with their love, Hank. Just wanted you all to see how much they have grown. Hank is an American Mastiff who has captured my girls hearts and he loves them just as much. Isn't he huge?! He is a huge ball of love most of the time.

2 Months!!! So Sorry

Well, it has been 2 months since I last even glanced at my blog. I have been wanting to write and get everything down, but time has gotten away from me and I have been a little overwhelmed with all of my feelings and emotions. A lot has happened in the last few months, so I will do my best to give a good update and try really hard to keep on writing, it helps me so much. First of all, I have news, I am engaged. That is why the girls and I moved down to Houston. I met a really wonderful man just after Joel died, he is a vital part to my and the girls healing and has been a wonderful friend. We started our friendship just after Joel died and the friendship grew. Not only did we fall in love, but my girls fell in love with him too. He is wonderful with them and keeps them so happy, but most importantly he keeps JOel's memory alive with them too. He worked with Joel at Ft. Benning and in Iraq and the fact that he knew him and worked with him, helps all of us so much. He is patient with me, understanding and most importantly he knows all that I have been through, he was there as a friend through most of my grieving and has helped me so much. The marathon training is going well. I have been very diligent in my training and am very excited about the run. I was sick all last week and could not run, it was so frustrating to not be able to run. I am feeling better and am able to run and today I realized that running has been one of the best forms of healing for me, it has brought me so much clarity and eased some of the pain. I will do this run and I will finish it. I have never run more than 6 miles but in the last few months I have worked my way up to 16 miles and will hopefully do 18 this weekend. I know I can do this. I have been worried about not finishing it and disappointing myself and joel, but his mother told me today, "you will not disappoint him if you don't finish or don't do it. This is for you and do it for you." So I am, I have not bought the plane tickets yet, but that is on the list for this week. Besides, the girls are so excited that mama is running a marathon for Papa, they would be disappointed if I did not do it. Two weeks ago, we went down to Victoria TX to go to Justin's grandparents ranch. I ran my 16 miles out there on the old country road(it was exhilerating, but the cows and bulls scared me) and the girls and Justin came out and rode in a little mule(a four wheeler and golf cart combined)and supported me on my last 11 miles of my run. It was so cool to have them out there, the girls cheered and filled water bottles for me, they made the 16 miles worth it. Faith is loving school, she is in a huge school and it intimidated her at first, but she has found her place and is loving it. She misses her old friends, but has made new ones fast. I am so proud of my little girls. They are both so strong and doing so well. They keep me going and keep me grounded. Ok, I am going to keep trying to be better about this. I won't make any promises, but I will try harder!!! Thank you to you all who are here to support me, check in on me and keep me going. You have no idea how much those little messages me energize me through some of my tougher moments. Thank you again!! For those of you who are in the DC area or will be doing the Army Ten Miler or the Marine Corps Marathon, let me know, I would love to meet you. I will be running the ATM with a good friend of mine, she lost her husband (MAJ Douglas Sloan)on October 31, 2006(349 days after Joel. We have become such good friends, I could not imagine doing this without her. Take care everyone and talk to you soon!