1,000 times sorry

Ok, I know I have been gone for a long, long time. I have thought about blogging many, many times but a lot has happened in the last 6 months since I wrote and it has been hard to get back on here and write my heart out. I have wanted to, trust me, but writing my thoughts down felt as though I was putting myself out there for when I was not feeling up to it. I hope that makes sense. So..... Yes, I am ok and the girls are ok and life is moving in a forward direction. And yes, before anyones ask, I am still engaged and we are planning a Thanksgiving wedding, which I will explain the reasons why in a later note. Yes, I ran the marine corps marathon and finished it. One of the reasons why I was not on in the last few weeks before the run was because I broke my toe two days before the Army Ten Miler and could not run it. I was so upset and disappointed. I still went and supported my friends and other widows, but I hobbled along on my crutches. My toe was broken so badly that they wanted to pin it, I said HELL no I will live with a crooked toe before I go through that pain! Toe is better now even after running 26.2 miles on a still broken toe. I am hoping to run it again, I just need to get my mojo up and going and get running again. All of the holidays went pretty well for the most part. It was a strange holiday season for all of us in my family. Some pretty life altering events happened in my family and it shook us all to the core and we still don't understand, but one day I hope to. My mom left my dad after nearly 40 years of marriage, the reasons, the way it happened and the way all of kids feel right now is so not how I remember my life as a child with my mother. It is probably one of the reasons I have not been on as of late. I did not know what to say or write without being angry, I did not know what else to think about for quite a while. Needless to say this consumed my life for quite a while, but I think I am now starting to get on track. My mom left the weekend before Joel's 2nd anniversary and it pretty well put my grieving process on hold for a while. Justin said to me, shortly after that day, "Mary it is going to hit you one day and just know I am here." I did not completely understand what he meant, I just stumbled through those weeks for a while. Well a few weeks before Faiths birthday it hit me and it hit me hard. I got through it with the help of Justin, my girls, my dad and Joel's mom.(I know Joel was there too) I know all of this stuff with my folks is not about it me and it should not affect me the way it has, but when you have lived your life in a certain way for so long and your mom and dad have weather everything together, having children, raising children and lossing them, you think, what is there you can't get through? It was just a blow I was not ready for. Enough of that, it has consumed my life for to long and I refuse to let it consume this note!!! Everything else is good here and I will try to keep on this more. I know I need to, I feel so much better when I write and take time for myself. I need to push the reset button on a few things lately and running and writing are the biggest ones!!! Who knows, when I write tomorrow maybe I will have for my first run in a long time!! Love to all and I have missed you too! Mary