Blahs

So I'm feeling a bit blah'ish(is that a word?)  There are a lot of things on my plate right now and for some reason I don't really feel interested in doing them.  I don't know if it is fear, guilt for still having the opportunity to do things, guilt for being able to do things but knowing it is going to take some of the money Joel left for us or just plain laziness.  I'm confused, I'm hurting, and I feel a lot of weight on my shoulders right now.  I don't like this feeling...I don't like not knowing and I really don't like not feeling in control, which is how I feel right now. 

Grief

Grief..it is an emotion that last forever.  Wikipedia defines it like this:  Grief is a multi-faceted response to loss, particularly to the loss of someone or something to which a bond was formed. Although conventionally focused on the emotional response to loss, it also has physical, cognitive, behavioral, social, and philosophical dimensions.  Yep, that sounds about right, but what people don't realize or understand is that it is something that stays with you forever.  This emotion just doesn't come when you loose someone and after that magical year it leaves.  It remains with you forever, it becomes a part of who you are, how you live and how you learn to re-live your life. 
Often times I have had people say, "but your better now, right?  You don't hurt anymore, it been 5 years."  Are you kidding me?  Really?  Sometimes I want to slap these people and say, REALLY?!  But I always respond with, "Well I don't cry everyday now, but I will always miss him and always love him.  It just doesn't go away."  That is the hard truth, grief never goes away.  It is a part of you forever, and ever.  It is something I am teaching my kids and am now helping a very dear friend understand this as well.  She lost her brother one year ago and as I watch this friend grieve, cry and hurt all I can do is offer hugs, prayers and tell her she will be OK.  The pain will eventually find it's place in your life where you can manage it and you will smile again, you will laugh again.  I think the biggest thing to understand when you are the one grieving is that it is OK to laugh, smile and be happy.  That you are not betraying them, that this is what our loved ones would want.  But that damn guilt sets in and you hurt all over again for still laughing, even for still being here, alive.  When my brother died it took me many, many years to understand this and after Joel died it all finally sunk in.  It all made sense, it didn't make it easier but at least I knew somehow someway I was going to make it.  I have made it and I am still making it each day.  Grief...it is a complicated emotion and it should not be taken lightly.  Grief is now a part of who I am and it will always be this way.  But I can still laugh, be happy and move forward, I have made grief an OK part of my life and for that I am happy.

Doing well

This morning I had a huge moment.  We woke up late, kid's were rushed for everything, plus one still had to shower before the bus arrived at 645.  We pushed, we helped, we got them ready and before we knew it they were ready and at the door waiting for the bus.  As soon as they walked out of the door Justin said, "well that was a great morning!"  It was, despite the rush and the hustle it was a great morning.  It dawned on me that this is what Joel would want(not the sleeping in and running late, he HATED running late!) but the happiness that was a part of all the rushing.   The smiles, the hugs and the I love yous that were scattered in all the morning hustle.  My girls are happy, truly happy.  They smile, they laugh and they say I love you more times in a day then I can count.  They still miss their papa, they still ask questions and they still hurt at times.  It's normal, it's OK and it is healthy to feel that way and talk about it.  I'm just glad that we are moving forward in this process, that we are finding love and happiness even in our darkest moments.  I think this is what God wants for us.  In our darkest hours we are to turn to him for comfort and light and we will see and find love, happiness and maybe some answers.  I think we are doing well..indeed we are.

Update of the kids.

My little guy on Christmas Eve...he got a T-ball set from his Mema and Pepa...Meet Wyatt!

Christmas Day..sporting his Carhart Overall's like Daddy and his new Cowboy Hat.

Brenna(wearing a hand knit hat).  She's 8 now!

My pretty Brenna modeling a handknit hat for a niece of mine.

Faith modeling another hat.  She will be 10 soon!

My Pretty little lady!

Tough Month(s)

It has been a hard month...make that a few tough months.  Back in September I felt as though life was moving forward, that we all(in the Cahill family) were getting stronger and healing.  People were laughing more, trips together were being planned, then October came.  Joel's second oldest brother was diagnosed with a Glioblastoma Brain Cancer...such a nasty sounding word.  I guess it fits, because it is a nasty form of brain cancer.  My heart has broken a million times over, my heart aches for my family but mostly for those kid's who will endure the loss of a parent.  For my mother-in-law who will loose yet another son.  I know we are all praying for a miracle, begging God to be merciful on this family and hoping for the answer's to our prayers, but also preparing ourselves for the day when his time will end.  My heart aches.  I can't fix it, I can't change it.  I can't do a damn thing and it makes me angry.  These last few months have brought up a lot of pain, a lot of questions and ultimately a lot of hope.   Hope for the future and that Randy will have some healthy and happy days ahead.  Hope that the children will be able to enjoy the time they have left with their father and have peace in the days to come.  Hope that this tragedy that has fallen upon this family(yet again) will strengthen it and not break it again.  I am praying that even through this sense of loss that we will all find healing.  My heart aches...oh does it ache.

The above link in the title will take you to Randy's page.  You can read about his journey, learn who he is and maybe say a few prayers for him.

Another go

Well here I am again, finding myself in need to write.  I have been writing on another blog, mostly about knitting. It helps, but I found myself reading through a few of the later blogs and I got sad....really sad.  I know I have let a lot of people down not writing any more.  I wish I had kept at it, but I guess I have some guilt.  I feel like I need to push forward on moving on, but the truth is I will never move past my first love, I will never move past the pain that lingers in my heart and I will never, ever move past the memories that are forever burned into my head and heart.  So as I sit here just rambling and writing...I feel as though I need to keep posting here, that I need to still have an outlet for me and my feelings of loss.  Not of knitting.  I have a whole new blog just for that and I will try to keep it all up.  I know I can do and Lord knows I have the time, right now.  So here's to a new year, a new path of writing and more moving forward.  I know I can do this...I've done a lot harder things now haven't I?!
ps....so sorry to all of you that I have left behind.  I didn't mean to hurt, upset or worry anyone.  My deepest apologies.
pps....my new blog is http://cgknits.blogspot.com/