Unsure

Have you ever had one of those days where you wake up and you feel like this is going to be a great day, but then something strikes you and it all goes rolling backwards? I have had a morning like this today. I woke up, had a decent start to the morning, and then on the way to drop the girls off, something happened and I just became so sad, so lost and so disheartened. I don't know what it was. My heart aches for Joel. My arms long to hold him one more time. I just wish he could be here to see our babies, to hold them and help me raise them. The girls are really missing him a lot lately and I don't know how to ease their pain. I don't know how to make it better except to reassure them that we are going to be ok, that papa will be with us in our hearts and dreams, all the time. Until today I have been sure that I am staying here in Columbus for a while, that I am going to push through and survive. This morning I am so lost that part of me wants to pack up the girls and go home to SD to be with my parents. To run away and hide. I have started a new life here, dabbeling in realestate a bit a bit and getting the girls into activities. However, today at this moment, I feel as if this is all hopeless, that I am going in the wrong direction. If Joel were still alive I would be getting ready to make another move, very likely NTC in CA or ROTC somewhere. I know we would be working on our home, getting it ready to be sold, possibly trying for another child and getting our oldest ready for kindergarten. Those dreams and possibilites are now gone, they are lost and hopeless. It is now left up to me and damn it I don't want to go wrong, I don't want to screw any of this up for myself or my girls. What if I was supposed to move home, what if I am supposed to stay here, what is the right answer? How do I know? I have been praying to God and talking to Joel, trying to get the answers, trying to feel it in my heart, but today, it is gone. I can find it nor can I feel it. I feel so hopeless and misdirected. I feel so lost right now.