Had to Share

I was flipping through my old e-mails a little while ago, I have a whole folder of the messages I recieved from Joel while he was in Iraq. I don't know why I did this, but I saved every one of his e-mails. Now I am so glad. Everyonce in a while I flip through it and read a few. The last few days I have missed him terribly, not that I don't always, but this has been a little more difficult. I think I had a sign tonight that he is still with me and sees all that happens because when I opened up this e-mail, one I had forgotten about, it still pertains to our daily lives. Just a little weird, but I wanted to share it with you all. Here is a little background on the e-mail, just so you aren't to confused, or me later when I go back and read this blog. The previous day I had written him and told him about an incident that happened in Publix. I was checking out, and the bagger, Scott(he was always our bagger in the afternoons, a nice older man). He said, "Everytime I see you, I cannot get over how all three of you have dimples, they are so big". Brenna goes, "Yes, mama has the biggest nipples". It was too funny!!! She meant dimples, but she said nipples. I laughed so hard as did everyone else around us. So, here is Joel's response. His love for all of us is so evident in this e-mail. Just wanted to share a piece of my husband with you all. Mary, I just cannot get you off my mind today (not the I am trying). I miss holding you! I cannot wait to get home. I hope you guys have a great day today. I laughed out loud when you explained the niples thing to me. That Brenna is so funny. I cannot wait to be home so I can hear and laugh at all of the funny things the girls say and do. It sounded like you had a good day yesterday. That is great. Well I know this is short but I have a ton of work to do so I will write again later. I love you and I miss you sooo much. Love, Joel

LIttle Tolerance

Yesterday we flew home from NY. It was a good trip, minus the near 4 hour layover in Cleveland. Oh well. The funniest part of this whole trip is the conversation that I had in a little resturant/bar. I realized shortly through the conversation that I have very little tolerance for flattery, or come-ons. Here is the story: The girls and I were sitting in this resturant. We were having chocolate cake, shirley temples and I was having a beer. It had been a long day and a very long flight to come. So as we were sitting there, these two business men from NY sat at the table next to us. They saw our "meal" and chuckled and said, "what a great traveling meal". I laughed and said, "yep, we travel in style, why not make it a good day." I figured the conversations were over, but I was wrong. One of the men turned around and said, "I saw you sprinkle salt on your napkin, what was that for?" Me, being the nice woman in bar said, "it keeps your napkin from sticking every time you pick up your drink". Again, I thought I was done having a conversation with these random strangers, but I was wrong. So they proceeded to ask me how much do you sprinkle, where did I learn this....blah, blah, blah. I told them I had learned it in college and have done it every since. One of the men then turned around and said, "oh so that was two years ago?" What?!!? Come on, were they serious? Here I am, a slightly frumpy looking mom with a 6 year old and a very old looking 4 year old and they seriously just said it must have been two years ago that I was in college?!! I thought, "man, this guy needs some work!" So that would have put me at what, 15 when I had my first kid? Hmmm.....if I had the time, I would have lit into them about how much of jerk he was for just insinuating that I was that young with two older kids. Oh well, it just made me realize how little tolerance I have for men who try to hit on any random person. Yes, it can be considered flattery, I guess, but I certainly did not feel to flattered after that "compliment". I have laughed about it a lot today, especially when we were leaving and the girls said, "see ya later strangers" and one of the men said, "I do a lot of business in Houston, maybe we will see you around?" Yeah, maybe in this huge town you will just bump into me, but I just laughed and walked away.

In New York, Ft. Drum

On Sunday the girls and I flew up to New York, Ft. Drum. We came to be with a friend of mine who lost her husband on Oct 31, 2006. I met her in Columbus and we have remained friends. I told her when I first met her that if she wanted me to be with her when her husbands unit came home, I would. So, we came up here. Whew, what a week it has been. I am so glad that I was here for her, so glad that I came. However, it was still difficult. A little more than I let myself beleive it to be. Watching the men walk in brought back all the memories, the thoughts and the feelings I had a year and a half ago when I did not see him come off the airplane. I am a little more drained than I expected to be, however, I am so glad that I could help someone else out. To support her, be here and be a friend. I wish I had had the same support, however, I am glad I had the people there with me that were there. We are heading back to Houston in the am, and we are all so ready to go home. I think this was a little much for the girls too, but we all handeled it pretty well. Bren did get sick last night, but I am not sure if she had a little 24 hour bug or if it was anxiety and fear. She told me last night that she was afraid I was leaving her, and I said, "of course I am not leaving, I never will." She then responded with, "but papa did." This statement broke my heart and I sat in the bathroom, with my ill feeling child bawling. I could not get over it. I am still having a hard time getting past it, but I can't let it keep us down. We talked about all of her thoughts and for a four year old, I think we got it pretty well cleared up, however, one never knows. I think Brenna is starting her second grieving phase and I know it won't be easy, but we will get through it. All in all, this was a good week, a tough one, but good for all of us, I think.

Your are right Glo.

Glo, I went back and re-read some of my post, from June of last year, February of last year and a few others. I have healed, a lot. I have known this, but I think, tonight for the first time since Joel died and I finally accepted all that has happened, I truly saw how hurt I was, how angry, confused and just down right sad. I guess when you are in the moment and living it, you don't always see it, but when you are writing it, keeping a log, you have a huge track record to remind yourself of just where you were, how hard it was and how much it hurt. I just wanted to thank you Glo, you reminded me how much healing I have done and that I am in a better place now than I was a year ago. It is easy to forget what you have done for yourself and accomplished. It takes others to help us remember that we are healing and getting better. I guess I realized that not all of these post will be about my pain anymore, but about our life, our new journey; Our Life After Iraq. After all, this is what it is. Thank you Glo.

Joel's Birthday

June 7th, 1971. A date I have not forgotten, even from the first moment that I started to know Joel. The strangest thing about this is, I have not told my girls that Joel's birthday was tomorrow, yet they both sensed it, they knew. I don't remember this being the case last year, but this year for sure, without a doubt it is. Bren, out of the blue today said, "mama, I am really missing papa and I know I will miss him more tomorrow." I said, why do you think that it is? She did not answer me and I said, "it is his birthday tomorrow." She said, "I know" and got teary. It killed me. My ever optimistic, mother hen of a child said, "well, why don't we make him a cake?" Now I am not sure if Faith had other motives here(she LOVES cake), but she had a darn good idea. Brenna thought so too, until she started to wonder how we were going to get a cake up to papa in heaven. So, we have worked out what kind of cake we are making, a carrot cake(more to this in a minute), and we kind of figured out how to send it to him. I think we are going to cut him a small slice, put it in a baggie and attatch it to a lot of ballons. I think he would get a huge kick out of that. The carrot cake, some would wonder why a carrot cake for a birthday cake, but not in our little family. Joel loved carrot cake and so does Faith. Bren loves the cream cheese frosting(who doesn't??) For Joel's 29th birthday, I made him a carrot cake, completley from scratch and if I could have grown, shelled, toasted, and chopped the pecans myself, I would have(that is how much love I put into this uneven, crumbly cake). Joel loved it, I don't think it was that great, but I know for him, it was the time and effort I put into it. I worked all day on it. From that point on, whenever the mood hit, he would stop by our grocery store and get a half of a carrot cake(just so I would not have to make it, or so he would not have to suffer the taste of it), we would both enjoy the whole thing. This will be the first time I have made a carrot cake since his 29th birthday, it will be good. It will be all three of us making the cake. I do not have a whole lot of anxiety about his birthday tomorrow, but at the same time it is another reminder that he is forever 34, not the 36 that he would have been if he were still with us. I miss him so much and I really miss not being able to buy him the gifts we would, instead I order flowers from the Ft. Myer Flower shop to be delivered to his headstone.

Long, long time

Well, it has been a very long time since I have wrote, anything. I have been feeling the need to write a lot lately, but I have not had the time. I am sorry that I have been away, but I was dealing with important tasks at hand. As I have wrote before, we just moved to Houston. So far I am in love with the big city life. We have everything on hand that we need, but at the same time, we can travel down to Galveston in a heart beat, over San Antonio for a weekend visit, or out to J's g-parent's ranch for a different weekend visit. THe only thing missing is my parents and Joel's. Along with unpacking and getting settled the girls and I have been doing a little bit of traveling. So, needless to say, our lives have been a little more busy than usual. I did not think that was possible. We just went up to DC for taps, it was a wonderful event. I went with a very good friend of mine, she lost her husband on Halloween of last year. We had a great time, did a lot of walking, spent time out at Arlington, shared a few drinks and a lot of tears and hugs with other widows and "survivors". I am so glad that we did this trip together, but at the same time, it was another milestone and heartache for all of us. I am traveling up to Ft. Drum to go with her to welcome home soldiers and stand by her side at the airfield when the soldiers march in. Just as I did, she wants to be there, to have closure. I told her a long time ago I would be there with her and so next weekend the girls and I are going up there. It will be hard, once again, but I feel that I need to be there for her, for this woman who is almost one year behind me in this "grief" journey, or journey called life. A few more trips are lined up for the summer, but I will write more about those in the days to come. I have realized once again, that i have taken the time away from me to make time for the other things in life(activities, cleaning, kids, swimming....) but in order to stay sane, I need to continue this time for myself. I miss it and I miss my support.