The Flag

The last few days I have been seeing more and more flags. With each flag I see I start thinking about Joel. I see more than just the stars and stripes that most of us see when we look at the flag. I see so much more, or think about so much more. I see the strength of our nation that my husband saw and fought for with all he had. I see the freedoms that we all have because of the greatness of our nation and the millions of soldiers that fight for our great nation. I see the lives that have been given in sacrifice of our great nation. But more than that, I see the lives of our two little girls that my husband and I created. I see the future that they may have because of my husband's and all the other soldiers sacrifice. I see the hope that my husband had for our children and I see the promise in our nation that will be there with our continued battles to keep us all safe and free. The flag has so much meaning to me these days. I do not yet have one in my front yard but I will soon. I will have one waving daily in honor of my husband, all of our soldiers past and present and our great nation. God how I miss Joel, how I think of him daily and wish he would not have been in that hummvee. I know that cannot be changed, I know all I can do now is wave my flag in honor of him, honor him daily and remember him. He is my hero, my love and still my strength. Help to remember my Joel, help me to keep his memory and honor alive. Wave your flag and keep it going for Joel, CPT Cahill and all of our soldiers who have given their lives for our nation and their beliefs.

A lot of thoughts

The last few days have been completely overwhelming and hard to swallow. Joel's birthday was on Wednesday, a day I would rather forgert. I have so many issues to deal with, things to get done for the house, things to find....all these things popped up on Wednesday and I thought I was going to loose my mind. Here I am, trying to get through the day and I have to go sign some closing papers, find out that Joel and I did not fill out a very important piece of paperwork that would have left the home to the surviving spouse. So this meant that I needed to find his will......I had no fricking idea where this was. I could not find it, I was at my wits end and was about to scream when my realator called me and said.."look, we will deal with it however and we do not have to search for it today. We will deal with it later. Take a break and enjoy the rest of the day and let it be what it is." So I did just that. To make a stressful long story short, Joel's little brother had a certified copy and it saved the closing date by 3 weeks. ALl of this crap popped up on one day. Then I had therapy, it was good. I just realized a lot of things that day that he helped me understand and deal with a little. It is amazing that as you think you start to get ahead a little and understand some things, more thing s pop up that you have to deal with and you feel like you are sinking in a sea of crap. I can't pull myself out of some of it and it just stinks. Oh well.The rest of the week went well. I still have yet to get the house ready and I am having a hard time getting it unpacked. I just can't figure out why I am dreading all of this. Today I was missing Joel a lot. I could not get passed it, I bauled watching Bren swim and hear her say, "mama I love you and papa". I just lost it. People probably thought I was crazy. Then I just could not get past the pain that I was feeling, the hurt that is in my heart and the frustration I feel when some people pull away from me because they don't know what to say and pull away from because Joel is dead and they don't know how to handle it. I get frustrated because he will be dead for the rest of our lives, it will be a constant thing for myself and the girls and to pull back from us because of his death is unfair to us. I know that sounds selfish, but damn it, don't you think we have all lost enough? To loose a friend becuase they can't handle the thoughts of "what if...." "he died in Iraq"....what ever they may be, it is unfair to me and the girls....I think. I am not saying I am loosing these friends, I am not hearing from them as much and I am not seeing them as much and it hurts because now more than ever I need there friendship. One friend told me she feels guilty talking to me about stuff she is doing with her spouse since he got home. I told her to get over it, Joel will be dead for the rest of our lives and we cannot walk on eggshells forever because he is dead. That is just silly and avoidance of the real life issue. I guess it is just a little more of a reason or thought for me to go home, but if I do that....will I have any more friends there than I am left with here? Is part of this me not returning some calls? Is some of this my fault or my doing? I am overwhelmed, hurt and confused. I just don't know what to do about all of this. You think you are doing ok and all the sudden something else slaps you in the face. I am sick of this and what to know how to be done with this. I am ready to be me, to be ok, to be normal.

Better than I thought

Today turned out better than I thought it would. I am not sure why or how, but it did. I cried a bit today, missed Joel a lot, but for the most part I got through it. I am not myself right now and I know this is ok, but I just don't like it, at all. I am ready for the girl I know and love to come back but I don't know if that will be possible. I know tomorrow will be another day that will taunt me all day, but I think I will get through it. The next day would have been Joel's birthday and I am a little unsure of what or how to do this day, but I purposely scheduled my counseling for this day to help me through it. I am hoping it helps me get through the end of the day. It should. I just put the girls into bed and they both look so much like Joel, all I could think was.......they are spitting images of us both and I am so greatful to have these "images" of him daily. It is hard, but it is a great reward. I know I will get through the next two days, I just have to remain strong. That is all there is to do.

Birthday Reminders

I just got done checking my e-mail and I think my throat is still constricted from shock and trying to keep myself from crying. I signed up a long time ago for birthday reminders and Joel happened to be one of the ones that I put into my "data base". I forgot about it, completely until last week I received the first notice for his birthday, I smiled and thought....what would we be doing to get ready. Then I got one today and it just caught me off guard, it schocked me to my core and I still feel rattled and discombobulated. I know it should not have, but......damn it. I hate this right now, I am hurting so much and I just do not know what to do. I can't control it right now and I don't know how to make it stop. I want to have a good day, I want to have fun with my babies this afternoon, make good choices today, but I cannot shake this right now. I am hurting so much. I miss him so much. I wish life could go back to normal. I hate this.

Thoughts

I am sitting here today, not really motivated to do a darn thing. I need to move more stuff to my new house. I need to get ready for the movers on Tuesday, but I cannot get motivated. I am not looking forward to Tuesday or Wednesday. Tuesday marks 7 months since Joel died and Wednesday would have been his 35th birthday. It is still hard to beleive that he is dead. It is still hard to beleive that I won't be making any more carrot cakes for his birthdays, buying and making cards and trying to do that "special" thing for him anymore. Helping the girls pickout the "perfect" gift for papa, the one that they really want so they can play with it with him, truly it is for them. It still seems unreal at times. I know it seems strange for me saying this, 7 months out, but I think I just finally let myself accept that at times I cannot beleive he is gone. I miss him so much that it feels like that if I miss him hard enough some days I will get that phone call or knock on the door telling me that this is all a huge mistake. I know that will not happen, I know that is all a fairy tale, but it gives me false hope and I guess I feel like it makes me feel better. How screwed up is that? How completely ridiculous is all of this? I just miss him and I think I still love him more and more everyday. I will always love him, this is I know. This gives me comfort and strength, but at times I want to be angry. I want to be pissed off that he died, but I cannot. I won't allow myself to, it was not and is not his fault, it was not his choice. I want to be angry that I am doing this on my own, but I can't. I know that I am strong enough to do this on my own. I know that I am a strong woman, a good mother and a good friend and I will survive. I am a survivor or Lord knows that I would not be here right now. I would have submitted long ago and not survived all that has come into my life. I know I will get through this, I Know this is only another moment of another day that I will get through, I have too. I have no choice, or rather I do have a choice, but there is no other option for me. I have to get through this for my babies, Joel's family and myself. That is all I have left right now.

Transportation

Agh, you have to love good ol' Army Transportation. It is wonderful. Right now I am sitting here trying to get them to deliver my household goods and they do not have a record of it being delivered into storage. Then I am put through the gammit of different people to talk to, finally getting to the lady who arranged for the move and she figured it out. Why should it take this long? Why should you have to go through four different people before you can figure out where your belongings are. This is exactly why I did not let them move any of Joel's belongings, his flag box or any of the photo's. They are to precious to me to loose. I cannot let go of those things and I refuse too. Enough venting for now. I am just irritated that it took so long and so many people to get this sorted out. Oh well.

hmmmmm

I am sitting here wondering why I feel so closed off, why I feel so shut down right now. I finally went to see someone, a professional and I still feel so shut down. I still feel unsure of why I feel so short with the girls, why I feel so angry at times, why I am feeling some of the things I am feeling. I know why I am angry....that is pretty obvious, but I feel that I have gotten past that stage, but I think the last few weeks have brought up new anger, new frustration that I did not know was going to be there. Anger that I was not prepared to deal with, anger that I was sure I was past. I talked to it about with my therapist and he assured me this was normal, that I just have to let this happen and accept it and not let this happen. To just keep moving and let these moments and parts of grief come and pass as they may, learning and growing with them. That sounds great and easy and all.....but shit.......how do you do that. How do you bypass the anger? How do you just let that pass and go over you and handle it. It is something that I have to come to terms with and I know that. I sit here and wonder....would Joel be happy with what I am doing..would Joel approve of my choices....what would he think, say or do in reaction to what I am doing? I guess I desperatly want his approval. I guess I desperatly just want to know what he would want me to do, to hear his voice, to see his smile, to hear his laugh and look into his eyes. I would give my right arm and leg for that. However, I know that is not possible and I know I have my dreams, memories and my pictures. I know in time this will satisfy me, but for the most part right now, I am not satisfied with what I have left of him....I wanted more I needed more out of what I got. How selfish does that sound? How horrible does that sound. I was given seven years and two beautiful babies and here I am sitting here begging for more? Complaining that I was not given enough? I do not mean to sound ungreatful...however....it is hard to be greatful for a plan that you were not counting on...for having your whole life and plans ripped away from you. It is so hard for me to accept this new life at times...however I know I need to and to moe on...it is just hard. confusion......it stinks.

New Home

Well, I did it. I purchassed our new home today. I am happy about it, but at the same time I am still wondering if this was the right thing to do. I feel in my heart that it is....but it was so hard to close on the house today. I was numb....hurting that Joel was not there. Hurting that I am purchasing a new home that my husband will not live with us in. I pray that this was the right move and I know that soon I will know the answer to that. Then while I am going through the closing procedures, I am told that there is a serious offer that will be coming in today. So this evening I spent two hours deciding which of the two offers to counter on our home....the home we shared with Joel...the home we were going to try and sell on our own without a realtor. I was numb again, unsure of what to do, which way to counter, which way to go. I think I am still numb. I think I am still unsure but am just following my heart and that of my realtors knowing that I would do the best thing for my girls and myself. I know that I made the best decision and I know I made the best offer for the girls and I. I know that I did everything that I could for us. I know I did what Joel would want me to do and he would be proud...it would just help if I had his approval, if I had his verbal ok, if he were here with me to do this. But this is not the path I was given, this is no longer our plans....it is now about what I can do to survive, what I can do to keep going and do the best thing for my girls. Emotionally this is the best thing for all of us. I just wish I knew what he thought. I know this to will work out and I know that this is a great thing for the new couple buying this home. I was told that they are a young couple, with a new baby and are very excited about living in our home, having this as theirs. I am happy for them and I pray that this home brings them as much happiness as it did for us. I pray that this will all work out.