Thoughts

I am sitting here today, not really motivated to do a darn thing. I need to move more stuff to my new house. I need to get ready for the movers on Tuesday, but I cannot get motivated. I am not looking forward to Tuesday or Wednesday. Tuesday marks 7 months since Joel died and Wednesday would have been his 35th birthday. It is still hard to beleive that he is dead. It is still hard to beleive that I won't be making any more carrot cakes for his birthdays, buying and making cards and trying to do that "special" thing for him anymore. Helping the girls pickout the "perfect" gift for papa, the one that they really want so they can play with it with him, truly it is for them. It still seems unreal at times. I know it seems strange for me saying this, 7 months out, but I think I just finally let myself accept that at times I cannot beleive he is gone. I miss him so much that it feels like that if I miss him hard enough some days I will get that phone call or knock on the door telling me that this is all a huge mistake. I know that will not happen, I know that is all a fairy tale, but it gives me false hope and I guess I feel like it makes me feel better. How screwed up is that? How completely ridiculous is all of this? I just miss him and I think I still love him more and more everyday. I will always love him, this is I know. This gives me comfort and strength, but at times I want to be angry. I want to be pissed off that he died, but I cannot. I won't allow myself to, it was not and is not his fault, it was not his choice. I want to be angry that I am doing this on my own, but I can't. I know that I am strong enough to do this on my own. I know that I am a strong woman, a good mother and a good friend and I will survive. I am a survivor or Lord knows that I would not be here right now. I would have submitted long ago and not survived all that has come into my life. I know I will get through this, I Know this is only another moment of another day that I will get through, I have too. I have no choice, or rather I do have a choice, but there is no other option for me. I have to get through this for my babies, Joel's family and myself. That is all I have left right now.