hmmmmm

I am sitting here wondering why I feel so closed off, why I feel so shut down right now. I finally went to see someone, a professional and I still feel so shut down. I still feel unsure of why I feel so short with the girls, why I feel so angry at times, why I am feeling some of the things I am feeling. I know why I am angry....that is pretty obvious, but I feel that I have gotten past that stage, but I think the last few weeks have brought up new anger, new frustration that I did not know was going to be there. Anger that I was not prepared to deal with, anger that I was sure I was past. I talked to it about with my therapist and he assured me this was normal, that I just have to let this happen and accept it and not let this happen. To just keep moving and let these moments and parts of grief come and pass as they may, learning and growing with them. That sounds great and easy and all.....but shit.......how do you do that. How do you bypass the anger? How do you just let that pass and go over you and handle it. It is something that I have to come to terms with and I know that. I sit here and wonder....would Joel be happy with what I am doing..would Joel approve of my choices....what would he think, say or do in reaction to what I am doing? I guess I desperatly want his approval. I guess I desperatly just want to know what he would want me to do, to hear his voice, to see his smile, to hear his laugh and look into his eyes. I would give my right arm and leg for that. However, I know that is not possible and I know I have my dreams, memories and my pictures. I know in time this will satisfy me, but for the most part right now, I am not satisfied with what I have left of him....I wanted more I needed more out of what I got. How selfish does that sound? How horrible does that sound. I was given seven years and two beautiful babies and here I am sitting here begging for more? Complaining that I was not given enough? I do not mean to sound ungreatful...however....it is hard to be greatful for a plan that you were not counting on...for having your whole life and plans ripped away from you. It is so hard for me to accept this new life at times...however I know I need to and to moe on...it is just hard. confusion......it stinks.