Birthday Reminders

I just got done checking my e-mail and I think my throat is still constricted from shock and trying to keep myself from crying. I signed up a long time ago for birthday reminders and Joel happened to be one of the ones that I put into my "data base". I forgot about it, completely until last week I received the first notice for his birthday, I smiled and thought....what would we be doing to get ready. Then I got one today and it just caught me off guard, it schocked me to my core and I still feel rattled and discombobulated. I know it should not have, but......damn it. I hate this right now, I am hurting so much and I just do not know what to do. I can't control it right now and I don't know how to make it stop. I want to have a good day, I want to have fun with my babies this afternoon, make good choices today, but I cannot shake this right now. I am hurting so much. I miss him so much. I wish life could go back to normal. I hate this.