A lot of thoughts

The last few days have been completely overwhelming and hard to swallow. Joel's birthday was on Wednesday, a day I would rather forgert. I have so many issues to deal with, things to get done for the house, things to find....all these things popped up on Wednesday and I thought I was going to loose my mind. Here I am, trying to get through the day and I have to go sign some closing papers, find out that Joel and I did not fill out a very important piece of paperwork that would have left the home to the surviving spouse. So this meant that I needed to find his will......I had no fricking idea where this was. I could not find it, I was at my wits end and was about to scream when my realator called me and said.."look, we will deal with it however and we do not have to search for it today. We will deal with it later. Take a break and enjoy the rest of the day and let it be what it is." So I did just that. To make a stressful long story short, Joel's little brother had a certified copy and it saved the closing date by 3 weeks. ALl of this crap popped up on one day. Then I had therapy, it was good. I just realized a lot of things that day that he helped me understand and deal with a little. It is amazing that as you think you start to get ahead a little and understand some things, more thing s pop up that you have to deal with and you feel like you are sinking in a sea of crap. I can't pull myself out of some of it and it just stinks. Oh well.The rest of the week went well. I still have yet to get the house ready and I am having a hard time getting it unpacked. I just can't figure out why I am dreading all of this. Today I was missing Joel a lot. I could not get passed it, I bauled watching Bren swim and hear her say, "mama I love you and papa". I just lost it. People probably thought I was crazy. Then I just could not get past the pain that I was feeling, the hurt that is in my heart and the frustration I feel when some people pull away from me because they don't know what to say and pull away from because Joel is dead and they don't know how to handle it. I get frustrated because he will be dead for the rest of our lives, it will be a constant thing for myself and the girls and to pull back from us because of his death is unfair to us. I know that sounds selfish, but damn it, don't you think we have all lost enough? To loose a friend becuase they can't handle the thoughts of "what if...." "he died in Iraq"....what ever they may be, it is unfair to me and the girls....I think. I am not saying I am loosing these friends, I am not hearing from them as much and I am not seeing them as much and it hurts because now more than ever I need there friendship. One friend told me she feels guilty talking to me about stuff she is doing with her spouse since he got home. I told her to get over it, Joel will be dead for the rest of our lives and we cannot walk on eggshells forever because he is dead. That is just silly and avoidance of the real life issue. I guess it is just a little more of a reason or thought for me to go home, but if I do that....will I have any more friends there than I am left with here? Is part of this me not returning some calls? Is some of this my fault or my doing? I am overwhelmed, hurt and confused. I just don't know what to do about all of this. You think you are doing ok and all the sudden something else slaps you in the face. I am sick of this and what to know how to be done with this. I am ready to be me, to be ok, to be normal.