Yet another google search

This is a rather hard one to explain, but for myself, my friends and my chidren I think it is important. So.... let me start with the hole story. My grandmother, who is between the age of 86 and 88(no one seems to know the correct age) is not doing so well. She is failing fast. She is a fighter, always has been, but in the last few weeks, her fight has dwindled. I don't blame her, not one bit. She fought off cancer, gone through a ton of vascular problems resulting in surgery, lost a husband, a child, three grandchildren, one daughter-in-law, a grandson-in-law and I think two great-grand-children. She has been through a lot, not to include her siblings who have passed on. Let's just say my grandma is ready and has been ready for quite some time to join her family in heaven. After talking to my dad tonight and getting the low down, I decided to look up my grandma Rose on Google, of course I did not find anything. Anything she did is written down in ton's and ton's of journals which I would love to get my hands on some day. I just felt like I needed to see if she is out there, if her history is down anywhere. So after I did that, I again googled Joel's name. I came across the same photo's and articles I have stared at and read so many times, the same pictures I wish would just leap out at me and hold me. The photo's that show that smile that I wish I could see just one more time and kiss it all over. I miss him so much. It is only 7 more days until the year anniversary. A whole year. One fricken year. Somedays I want to scream, others I want to cry, then some I want to shout and say, I am hear, I am alive, I am doing it. I feel so confused at times. So much so that I just don't know what to do. I wish this had never happened, I wish my life was different right now. However, I know that will not change, I know that this year has been real and I cannot change that. I look at people having their babies and at times I get so sad and I wish it had been me. I look at some of them and think and pray, I hope you will have their daddy forever. I know this all sounds so crazy and so random, but a widow's brain is never the same. A widow's brain, as I am figuring out is altered forever and one day the world can seem bright and normal and others it can be as gray and bleak as a snow storm. I wish I never knew what a widow's brain was like, I wish I could never express that, but that is not the case here. I miss Joel so much. I miss him more than I ever thought possible. The girls are doing ok, but they too know what is on us. Faith is getting so clingy and so emtional lately that it is showing in school right now. Bren is doing the same, but she get's through it once I leave. Faith has trouble all day long, she cries at movies in school, and at stories and needs extra hugs. I am praying that once we get through this week and the next, they will both be back to normal. I am praying. I wish I could change it for them, I wish I could make their life different, better and "normal". I know I can't do that, but as a mommy, I wish I could. It hurts so much to see your babies hurting and not being able to do a darn thing about it. I will be ok. I have to, I have these two babies who need me and I also have wonderful friends who keep me going. I will make it, I just need a lot of support these next few days.

Internet Shopping

After the last comment H.S. left, I got to thinking about internet shopping! Darn you are so right H. It is always open! I do spend my money that way to. I wish Banana Republic, Gap, and my new favorite www.piperlime.com were not so good and not so easy to use! I spend way to darn much money there! I guess it does not help that I am getting close to my 1 year mark and I seem to be shopping to ease my pain, agony, frustration and heartache. I seem to try to "ease" myself by "treating" myself and the girls. I guess I do A LOT of retail therapy. The good thing out of this is that the girls and I always have some cute outfits and definately some great shoes!! Not that we always look cute, but we have the potential!! Anyways, I guess I forgot about that form of shopping, or maybe I was in denial about it until H. reminded me!

Busy, Busy, Busy

I have found five minutes to write a few lines. I have just started substituting at Faith's school for a little while and so far so good. I am enjoying being busy and not spending money all day long. Faith loves it too and next year it will be nice having all three of us up here, if I stay here that is. So between the new work and the house(which photo's will be coming soon) I am staying pretty busy. I am now waiting on the floors to be installed and the countertops to be put in. I am so excited I can hardley stand myself. Well, I need to get back to work, if I stay on here to long, I may not be allowed to come back!! Haha

Target

What is it about Target that turns good little kids into total terrors?! My kids were in good moods, happy and having a good time. We saw an old friend(actually an adopted grandmother) and the girls were tickled to see her, so they were really happy. Then just like someone flipped a switch, they were total hellions! Fighting about this, arguing about that, crying because I told them to stop, upset because it took to long to get to the potty. What ever it was, they were sure to get weird about it. As soon as we walked out of Target, got into the car, they were fine. I was so frustrated and plain confused when the switch was flipped off and they were normal. AUGH! Oh well, we needed to go anyways, I spent way to much money in that place! Just thought I would make all of you mom's out there laugh and know that it happens here too and make all of you grandma's out there laugh and say, "it only get's better!" or as my mom says, "just wait."

We love you Nana

On Tuesday morning, Joel's grandmother, Nana passed away. Nana was a strong and determined person who entered this world with huge obstacles to face and overcame all of them. She raised a wonderful son who has great values and strong family ties and beleifs. Nana was proud of each and everyone of her grandchildren and would give anyone an earful about her great family if they would listen. Nana will be missed, but thankfully, as my father-in-law said, "she did not suffer, she was not in pain and now she is in a better place and with her loved ones who have already passed." She did have a long life and did get to see more than so many people. At birth Nana's mother was told she would not live to be two, because of some health problems and look at how wrong she proved those doctors, she had a wonderful life and got over 75 more years than they said she would. I really wanted to go to the funeral, for Nana and for Joel's parents. I just wanted to be there. As I sat down to purchase the tickets, I could not do it, I could not push that last little button to confirm the tickets. The thought of going to another funeral caused so much anxiety, all I could do was sit there and cry and feel as though my chest was going to cave in. I feel as though I should have just made someone else push that button and just go, but.... I could not do that either. I know all of the family understands and can relate to me, but I should have made myself do it. So many people have told me it took them a long time to finally get up the courage to go to one after a traumatic loss. My mom told me the first one was the worst and hardest for her, I just could not get up the courage to do it. I know everyone understands and I will be with them in spirit and will be praying my little heart out during the time of the funeral. So to Nana, we love you and we will miss you. We are so proud of all you accomplished in your life and how far you came and all that you endured. You are a strong and dedicated person. We are proud of you. I am glad that you are with Joel and will be with him to watch over the girls and I and all of our family. God Bless you Nana.

A story for the girls

A few months ago, I had a really really bad few days. Days to the point where I did not want to keep going. Feelings of dread and unsure of how to go on. I got through those days, with help of a great friend, my wonderful girls, my husband and a dream and my therapist. It all started out as a pretty normal day, yardwork and family time, but then something just broke and all the sudden I just felt like I could not go on. I cried and cried, I laid in bed for hours. I called a friend to come over and help me with the girls because I could not just leave them in the living room tending to themselves. I remember very clearly laying in bed and Faith coming in and rubbing my head and asking me if I was ok. I said, "I am just sad honey, I really miss papa. Mama will be ok." She did not come back after that. I remember laying thinking, I can't do this anymore, I miss Joel so much and I decided to start talking to him. That is usually my way to get through tough moments, as crazy as it sounds, it helps me. I laid there, talking to him, telling him that I missed him, that I was afraid I was not doing a good job, afraid that I would make things worse for them and that I was just going all wrong. I remember laying there saying, I just want to be with you, I just want to be where you are. I finally started to get a little drowsy and I remember starting to fall asleep and it felt as though Joel was talking to me. (I beleive he was, I beleive in angels and he is mine and the girls and I know others would tell me I am crazy and taking it to far, but it is my beleif). I could hear Joel tell me, "Mary, those girls need you and you are doing a wonderful job with them. They are happy and they love me and know where I am. That is the best anyone can ask for. Without you Mary, they will not suceed, but with your love and guidance, they will be succesful and happy. Do not give up, you will see me again in time. I love you and beleive in you. I have a whole cheerleading team rooting for you here. Don't give up." I remember saying, "who is cheering for me?" I distinctivly heard, "Your brother, your grandparent's, my grandparent's and our son." All I could say was, "our son?" I heard, "yes Mary, the baby we lost was a boy and his name is Zachary, he has been with Brad." I am half asleep, but I am crying by now and asked, "what does he look like?" Joel said, "he is beautiful, different than the girls, light brown hair, blue eyes and a big smile." I just laid there and cried, I have never dreamt that the baby was a being in heaven, never wondered what sex it was, never imagined a name, just grieved the loss, but was also thankful for the beautiful little girl that came after him and the healthy one I already had. Then I heard, "Mary, he wants to tell you something and know that he loves you." Then in a little voice I heard, "mama, I love you and I am proud of you. I cannot wait to meet you and my sisters. Keep them safe mama." That was it, my dream or conversation ended there. Or that is all I remember. The next thing I remember was being woken up a few hours later by my beautiful girls and they had made me a cake, "a feel better tomorrow cake". They also sang happy birthday to me. That was pretty funny, but while they sang and lit candles and served me cake, I realized that they are wonderful strong little girls who love me and need me, and right there I said a silent prayer and thanked God for all I had and thanked Joel for all he had given me. I know this all sounds crazy and I know my beautiful little girls may think there mama is crazier than they know I am, but it is such a pronounced and strong moment in my life that I need to share it with them and I need them to know about this part of my life and process of learning to live without their papa and to raise them on my own, with the help of strong and willing friends who love me and my girls.

Google

Have you ever googled your name or your spouses name? I have done it a few times, but not in quite a while. Today, for some reason I decided to google my name under the images of google. Up pops a few photo's of me and one of them was linked to www.arlingtoncemetary.net . The link took me to Joel's biography and listing of relevant articles that have been written about him. I read them, again for the 50th time and I think I cried more today than I have in a while. I don't know why today has affected me more than any other Sunday in a while, but for some reason it has. I am glad that I reread this again and took in all the articles and what they had to say. I know I will have more Sundays like this and I know that I will have more random days that affect me. I just am amazed at how google has all this information and my name pops right up. Google, they are amazing.

House Demolition

I wish I had my camera with me yesterday. The girls, two friends, one of their little girls and I decided to knock down a wall at the new house. It was so much fun and such a stress releiver. Faith and Bren were knocking huge holes in the wall and a few times I said, do this one for papa. He would be so proud. So the girls would start yelling, "this is for you papa!" At first Faith thought we were not being nice and she said, "we are not mad at papa, we love him". I said, well Faith, your papa would have loved watching you do this and he would have really loved teaching you how to do this. So, we need to do a few swings of the hammer for papa. They thought that was cool and man, when FAith would do one for papa, she would nail the wall, hard. It was so fun to watch this and I think we all needed a little stress releif. My friend that was with me needed it more than I did and few times we kicked out on of the wall panels and I tell you what, that was exilerating. WE had a great time. S. and I laughed and laughed and put the beating on the wall, we both felt better after beating up the wall. I think I may need to start a demolition business, I would get a lot of stress releif and therapy out of that job!!! Haha. I will be posting pictures of the house soon. The befores are going to be hysterical and I hope the afters are a huge improvement.

Stuff

As I sit here today, I feel good about where the girls and I are at. I feel proud that we are all moving forward in this life and that we are still making Joel a part of our daily lives. We all understand very well that he is dead, but we still involve in our lives by talking about how he would have liked what we were doing, the pride he would have with the choices we make........things like that. I feel so blessed to have such wonderful little girls who keep me going each day and great friends who support me and love me for who I am and what I am doing. I have decided that I am going to wait until January to get a job. Origianlly I was going to try and start in November but then as I got bored, I thought I would go back now. But now as things for the holiday's, the house and just daily life with the girls keep stacking up, I have decided that January would be the best time to go back. I know that seems like a long time and I do need to start back to work, but I don't want to make to many changes for the girls right now. I feel good about this decision, but at the same time, I am feel as though I am ready to work again. I guess I worry that I am not proving enough for the girls and that I am not making a good example. Most days I am busy and don't just sit around to much, but I do have those days where I just am not motivated. I just want to set a good example for the girls and I hope I am doing that.