Yet another google search

This is a rather hard one to explain, but for myself, my friends and my chidren I think it is important. So.... let me start with the hole story. My grandmother, who is between the age of 86 and 88(no one seems to know the correct age) is not doing so well. She is failing fast. She is a fighter, always has been, but in the last few weeks, her fight has dwindled. I don't blame her, not one bit. She fought off cancer, gone through a ton of vascular problems resulting in surgery, lost a husband, a child, three grandchildren, one daughter-in-law, a grandson-in-law and I think two great-grand-children. She has been through a lot, not to include her siblings who have passed on. Let's just say my grandma is ready and has been ready for quite some time to join her family in heaven. After talking to my dad tonight and getting the low down, I decided to look up my grandma Rose on Google, of course I did not find anything. Anything she did is written down in ton's and ton's of journals which I would love to get my hands on some day. I just felt like I needed to see if she is out there, if her history is down anywhere. So after I did that, I again googled Joel's name. I came across the same photo's and articles I have stared at and read so many times, the same pictures I wish would just leap out at me and hold me. The photo's that show that smile that I wish I could see just one more time and kiss it all over. I miss him so much. It is only 7 more days until the year anniversary. A whole year. One fricken year. Somedays I want to scream, others I want to cry, then some I want to shout and say, I am hear, I am alive, I am doing it. I feel so confused at times. So much so that I just don't know what to do. I wish this had never happened, I wish my life was different right now. However, I know that will not change, I know that this year has been real and I cannot change that. I look at people having their babies and at times I get so sad and I wish it had been me. I look at some of them and think and pray, I hope you will have their daddy forever. I know this all sounds so crazy and so random, but a widow's brain is never the same. A widow's brain, as I am figuring out is altered forever and one day the world can seem bright and normal and others it can be as gray and bleak as a snow storm. I wish I never knew what a widow's brain was like, I wish I could never express that, but that is not the case here. I miss Joel so much. I miss him more than I ever thought possible. The girls are doing ok, but they too know what is on us. Faith is getting so clingy and so emtional lately that it is showing in school right now. Bren is doing the same, but she get's through it once I leave. Faith has trouble all day long, she cries at movies in school, and at stories and needs extra hugs. I am praying that once we get through this week and the next, they will both be back to normal. I am praying. I wish I could change it for them, I wish I could make their life different, better and "normal". I know I can't do that, but as a mommy, I wish I could. It hurts so much to see your babies hurting and not being able to do a darn thing about it. I will be ok. I have to, I have these two babies who need me and I also have wonderful friends who keep me going. I will make it, I just need a lot of support these next few days.