Forced to Contemplate

The last three days I have been sick, allergies, cough, cold, achy....the crud I guess. I am finally feeling better today, able to keep my eyes open for longer than 30 minutes at a time. Being sick these last few days really forced me to contemplate on a lot of things. I guess I did not force myself, but lying there, trying to rest, your mind just wanders and I think I probably had some of the "clearest" thoughts in a long time. One conclusion that I came to was one that I have been searching for. When Joel passed, I thought that I was going to go right home, to move back and seek help, love and support. Shortly after getting home, I realized that I could not do this, that I could not take my girls away from their home, the only one they have known. That satisfied me for a little while, but not enough. I wanted to know what it was that was driving me to stay here. I finally figured it out, I finally realized what it was. I realized that going home would give me an out, a way to let others help me and just curl up in bed and disappear, to let the time just wash over me and not face anything, anyone or the pain. This would have been wonderful, to escape the pain, frustration and anxiety. However, I realized that by staying here, I have given myself a "no option" lifestyle right now. A time that I need to get up out of bed every morning, face my babies and face their questions and pain. To help them understand, along with myself the why's, how's and the "what are we going to do about it" . I am now understanding that this is the only answer for me, and the only way that will help me to heal along with my girls. I realize how easy it is for me to just lay down and not face the music, I could do it in a heartbeat, but I also know how hard the other way is and I guess I am always up for a challenge. I am always up for doing everything to my best ability, be it the easy way or the hard way, usually chosing the hard way. I am not saying that what I am doing is the hardest way, I feel that it is the best way for me and my children, it is the only way for me to survive, it is the best way for my children I feel. They see mommy surviving and when they get older and can understand, they will know that they are survivors too. They will know how strong they can be. I finally feel good about my choices and decisions, I finally feel as though I understand more than I have in a very long time.