Saturday

Saturday, a difficult day for all of us. We started out the day cleaning up, talking to my mom, getting things done. We all went outside to finish up the garden and get a few things done before our strawberry picking date with our neighbor and adopted "grandparents". We were outside, working our tails off and were ready to plant the flowers, just making final decisions on where to put everything. I guess I was not letting Bren make enough decisions, or something, I am still not sure what happened, but she sat there, picking up and moving everything we sat out. I got a little perturbed and scolded her and she started to scream and tell me, "but I want them here." So I sat down and asked her what was wrong, why was she acting this way. She said, "I miss my papa and I want to be dead too." My heart stopped and I thought I was going to choke. I could not beleive my baby said that, that she even thought that. I talked to her, I listened, I tried to understand.....she told me she misses papa and wants to be "dead too so she can go to heaven and get papa". I wanted to scream, but I tried to tell her again why papa was dead, why he can't come home and that when people go to heaven it is because they have stopped breathing, they can't move and they can't eat. I did not know how else to explain it. I did not knwo what else to do. I finally said, Bren papa want's us to live a happy life and he wants us to be strong and brave, he wants to watch us live our life here, he is always with us. Then I told her she was a strong and brave little girl and I was so proud of her for telling me this. I gave her a little more attention after that, trying to keep her involved and active, keeping her mind off of everything. Then we decided to write cards and send them to papa, I told the girls that before we send the balloons up to heaven with our cards, we would all say somethig to papa. So Faith said, "papa I love you and I miss you, I hope you love the card". Brenna said, "papa I want you and I love you, take care of us". My babies, they are so strong and brave, I am so proud of them. I cannot beleive how they perservere. I sent my card up and the girls listened intently to what I said and both hugged me afterwards. It was a very hard, but very good day, we went through a lot of emotions that I was not expecting. I love these girls so much, they get me through the hardest days, which ironically sometimes are brought on by them, their actions or behaviors and how I know that if this was not happeniing they would not be acting those ways. As hard as yesterday was, I am glad that it happened that way, I am glad that we went through those things, in the end, I think it will make us stronger, I think it will help me to understand better. I pray it does.