It is almost 11pm and I am still awake, not sure why, I am exhausted, ready to sleep, but wide awake. Thinking of Joel, thinking of our future, what I need to do for the girls.....so many thoughts, but not enough answers. I keep remembering things that Joel and I wanted to do, things that we said we would do with the girls and for the girls. I still want to do those things, I still want to carry out all of these things for them, for Joel and for me, but I am not sure how to do it now, without Joel. I think about the girls future, I want to provide for them, everything, emotionally, physically, financially, and mentally but how do I do that when I am missing him so much, when I am in this place where I miss him so much that it is all I can think about. I know I will and can, but........ I think about my future and I wonder if I will ever be able to go back to nursing, if I will ever be able to look a patient in the eye and tell them "it will be ok" when I am not so sure of that myself. Whereas before, I could do that and beleive it myself. I think about my future and wonder, will we be ok? Will I be able to give myself and my children all that they need. Will I be able to answer their questions daily and not cry? Will I be albe to talk to them about Joel and not get emotional? When will this happen? When will we all understand all that has happened to us? What does the future hold for us? Somedays I wish there was a fastforward button and I could skip the things I "don't like" or just move forward to a few years from now, but I know that is not possible and I know that this will not "teach" us the things we need to learn from this process. I know God will take care of us and I know God will provide me with the answers that I need and desire, but somedays I do not feel patient enough, not strong enough. I know I will survive and I know we will be ok, but I just question it, a lot and I do not know how to stop that right now. I wish I could "get it" I wish I had the answers that I want. Maybe I will get it soon........