I am not really sure what I am thinking or feeling righ now. I know how much I miss Joel, I know that tomorrow is the 5 month mark, I know how much my girls are missing him. I know I want him here, that my life would be so very different right now if he was, that my girls would be experiencing so many different things if he were still alive. I watch so many people, whole families and I get jealous, wishing we still had that. I see neighbors, friends, past co-workers, and fellow military members and I find myself wanting to walk away from them, to turn and run. For the most part, my friends are military or have been.....it is so hard sometimes to be around them, to see them....I find myself avoiding them sometimes, just to avoid pain and not wanting to get angry at anyone. I feel bad avoiding many of these people, I don't want to, I want to talk to them, be with them, retain the friendship, but it is so hard, I just don't know how to do it and preserve my sanity, my "balance". I guess maybe these same feelings is the reason why I have not moved home yet, wanting to avoid seeing the rest of my family members who still have their spouses, wanting to avoid those "whole" families because it makes me hurt so much. How unfair is that of me, how damn selfish?!! I feel bad admitting that, but I know that it is also good that I have admitted that. I want to be near everyone, but I also find it hard to be around everyone, to be with all the family and watch the kids play and remember the last time I had been home(before Joel passed) and getting a call from him and spending 20 minutes telling him how the gils loved being with their cousins and how much he laughed about the thins I told him. Remembering how much he loved to see the girls interacting with his all of our nieces and nephews. It is all so hard and I am not sure if anyone can understand that...I feel kind of alone when it comes to that. I feel as though some may think I am avoiding them for other reasons....they cannot see what the underlying reason is, they cannot understand how hard it is sometimes, how heart breaking it is for me and how I have to explain some of these things to the girls....for example, a conversation I had with Faith, "Mama, why did her papa come home from Iraq?" "It was time for all of the soldiers to come home." "Why did papa not come home?" "He died, remember? He is in heaven now." "I know, but why didn't ## go to heaven with papa." "Because he was able to stay safe from the bad guys in Iraq, because God did not call him home yet." I don't know if anyone can understand that unless they have been there, understand how hard it is to stay sane, keep your kids with their "normal" routine and friends and still try to face these things that now affect you in a way that you never thought would affect you. See people you never thought would create these emotions in you that they do. I know this is all crazy stuff that will disipitate in the end. I just hope I have not avoided to many people that cost me friendships, I just hope that I can continue to find the way to help my girls understand this process, why papa is not home and why their friends daddies are here. I pray that this all works out in the end, that all of this becomes clear to me, sooner rather than later.