Happy New Year and farewell to a 10 year habit

Happy New Year to all! I hope the new year brings you a lot of joy, happiness and great beginings. The girls and I started this New Year out with bowling a few games today with a friend. It was a lot of fun, and the girls are getting really good at it. Faith is so much stronger than I thought she was! Tonight is going to be a movie and probably an early bedtime. We are all pooped. No big plans for us. Just hopes for a great and blessed New Year. As I start this New Year, I am hoping to succeed in giving up my 10 1/2 year habit of smoking. I started a few weeks ago of taking medicine to start quitting and tomorrow is my day to give it all up. I think for the first time in all of my attempts to quit, this is going to be my succesful one. I never took a prescription drug to quit before, but this one is working so far, I have gone from a pack and a half to about 4 or 5 a day and could easily do less than that. I am really excited about this and feel very good about this. Just wanted to share this. For the first time in a year, I actually feel that I can handle all of this without a secondary habit, and that I can beat this habit just as Joel always wanted me to. Wish me luck!

The last few days

Well, the last few days have been somewhat strange. I guess you could say maybe I have been in a little bit of denial the last few days. I think because of Christmas and all of its meaning(especially for the girls), I tried really hard to be upbeat and "ok". The last two days, I think I have finally realized that I was in a little bit of denial and playing a good game of "who can pretend the best". I decided to stay here with the girls in Georgia. I am realizing it has been harder than I thought it would be, I really miss our family and being with them. This year I am also not in the fog as I was last year, so things are so much more clear and so much more difficult too. I am glad that I stayed here with the girls, the slow pace we have had is nice and the relaxation has been a lot o fun with the girls. I guess, things are not what I like to pretned they can be or what I can handle. I guess I have been in soewhat of a fantasy world, or maybe that is where I always live. I just wish life could be as easy as I expect it to be. Se la Vi.

Christmas Balloons

Merry Christmas to all. Today that girls and I followed through with our letters and "sending" them to papa. We received a balloon kit from Joel's sister, which made it so nice to fill the balloons together and let the girls pick what colors they thought papa would want. They picked a lot of pink and purple!! So as we were getting the ballons all ready and tied to our letters and drawings, we talked about what we wanted to say. Brenna got really sad and started to cry, but she had a huge smile on her face when her balloons made it over the trees and way up into the sky. Faith just had a huge smile and knew that papa was going to love her letters and drawings, she wrote it all herself with my help to spell. I will miss the day when she starts writing her own and I won't know what her thoughts were to him. The strangest thing happened when we walked outside though. I need to give some background first so you can understand the story. A few years ago, we all went to a birds of prey show at a Garden here in GA. We loved it and went quite a bit to it. Joel's favorite bird to see was the Falcon. He just loved the falcon and was amazed by it. The last Christmas we had with him, we walked outside and we saw this falcon(not a common site in town) sitting in the tree in our neighbors front yard. We looked and looked and just stood there for a few minutes, the bird was so close but he did not move, then finally he flew off. We did not see it again for a long time, then the day Joel was leaving for Iraq after r and r, we were getting in the car and there in that same tree was the falcon again. WE just looked at eachother and said, that is so weird. Never really thinking about it. After Joel died, I think I forgot about the bird for a long time. Then last year in the spring, I saw the bird a few times in a row, twice in my neighbors tree where it always was, then once in the backyard in my tree. It was so strange, but at the same time so comforting. It always made me feel as if Joel was a part of that with me. Who knows, maybe he was. Well today, when we were going outside to let the ballons go, sitting in the tree next to our house, there was a falcon, he took off when we were walking in the yard and flew over the house twice, then was gone. It was so strange and all I could say to the girls was, there is a Falcon, papa's favorite bird. To see that bird, in this area(we have moved since I last saw the falcon) was so strange and certainly not common. However, it made me feel calm. Who knows, maybe my Joel is with me when I spot that bird. So our christmas has ended on a good note. We have made it through in one peice and better for the wear. Merry Christmas to All!

Texas Margarita's

As I sit here getting ready to write letters, I am drinking a new favorite drink of mine, Texas Margarita's. They are yummy and so, so easy!!! It is a cheater recipe, but if you like the drink and just want a small batch, here is a good recipe. 1 12oz Limeade 1 Tecate Beer(needs to be this brand) 1 can 7-up(12oz)(sprite works to, but not as good) 1/2 can(6oz)or to taste Tequila I mix this in a pitcher(I have a small blender)and serve on ice. Then I put the leftovers in the freezer and let it get icy to drink later. You can also mix it in a blender(if you have a large on, or else you will have a huge blowout!!) If you like the drink, try this! It does not sound so great, but it is good, or I think it is.

Merry Christmas Wherever You Are

Have you ever heard the song Merry Christmas Wherever You Are? by George Straight. It just came on my IPod and as I sit here listening to it, I know it aimed at those who have split up or divorced, but it made me so sad. I know where my Joel is, I know what has happened to him, but we have put up his stocking still. I know this will become a tradition and that is ok with me, but damn it, I wish I was filling it with trinkets and junk instead of letters and drawings. And putting a little envelope under the tree with the gift I have decided to do for him. I have donated $750 to Faith's school in his memory and will donate $3o0 to four children who lost their father 3 years ago in Iraq and just recently lost their mother to a cruel and heartless murder. These are the gifts I know he would have done if he were here, so I want to share this with my girls and make this a continuous gift we do yearly. So, to my Joel, as I sit here, getting ready to write my Christmas gifts to you, I want you to know that I miss you dearly. That I love you more than life itself and will always. You gave me so much and filled my life with so much joy. I miss our talks, our phone calls when you were on the way home from work, even though I was going to see you in 15 minutes, it seemed to be the only time we could catch up before the girls ganged up on you. I miss our arguments and battles about everything from kids, life to silly work stuff. I miss your smile and beautiful black hair. I miss your strength and courage, but mostly I miss your presence and love that was unending, no matter how upset your were. Merry Christmas my love and I pray that you have a beautiful and wonderful Christmas celebrating with Jesus. All my love, forever and Always, ME

Random poem from 3am on a sleepless night

Our Road is not easy, full of bumps and curves. Our load is not light, laden with burdens of all kinds. Our thoughts are laced with, what do I have to do, how to get it all done, where do I go from here. Our dreams dance with memories of loved ones who have gone before us. Our faith in our God keeps us strong. Our love for those above moves us through each day. With faith, hope and courage we will continue through each day. We will find the strength to call on our Lord for grace, courage, strength and love. For our faith in a greater world will lighten our load, ease our bumpy road, fill our thoughts with love, hope and joy for all to come, and keep our dreams full of the memories that keep us strong and fill our hearts and dreams with the joys we once had. May our memories never fade, may our dreams never dwindle. May our love for our God and our loved ones above keep us steady, strong and braced in His Grace.

Random Acts of Kindness

Well, yesterday I realized that there are wonderful people in this world. I was on the phone with my mom and I heard the doorbell ring. I walked out to the door and found the typical boxes that arrive around the holiday season. As I opened the first box, I found wrapped packages. I looked at the card and saw the girls name on it and it said, "Love Santa". I was baffeled at first. I was thinking who in the world sent this?! Then I decided to look at the packing slip and I saw the name on it. I burst into tears and felt good all at the same time. The packages for my girls came from a friend of Joel's. Joel went through the officer Advance course with him and I met him once or twice, the last time being at Joel's funeral at ANC. The fact that this man took the time to think of my girls and send them present from essentially a perfect stranger to them. I am so greatful to this man and what he has done for my girls. I don't think he knows how happy he is going to make them and what he has done for them and me.

Stories we tell about Santa

I was curious if anyone has any "good" stories they tell their kids about Santa, just to keep them beleiving a little longer? I told a good one tonight to the girls, they asked how Santa will get into the house because we don't have a fireplace. So I did my best improtu and let my imagination go to work. I told the girls that he sprinkles magic dust on the roof and poof a fireplace appears, he slides in, does his magic and then slides out and the fireplace disappears. (i thought it was good!) Then the girls said they wanted to stay awake to see this cool thing happen(oops). So I said, you cannot do that! He will know if you are awake and then he won't come until you are asleep!! But, if he is really rushed, he will pull out his magic sleeping dust and sprinkle some around the house and you fall asleep fast!!! Then, he comes down the chimney and is in and out super fast! The next thing you know, Santa has come and gone and you fell asleep!! They bought it for now, but I wonder how long that story will work! This is the fun part I love and I think Joel would have laughed his butt off at me!

Better Spirits

Well, I am guess you could say I am a little better spirits than last night and the day before. Faith had her first school christmas program and it was so cool! I love how they integrated all of the kids, even the little ones into it and she just loved it. She almost fell off of the stage because she was twirling her dress, but it was funny. She just cracks me up and I know Joel was laughing his butt off because he probably had a better seat than I did! I made it through this program with out crying. Something I did not expect to happen. I was expecting to have a crying fit and loose it, but I made it!!! I guess today I have accepted that I am doing ok this Christmas and time does not stop. I cannot change the holiday and I cannot take it away from my girls. All I can do is acknowledge my pain, accept the pain, look forward, move through it and keep going. I have known this, but I guess, like most human beings at this time of year, I forget those "normal" things and focus on all of the hub-bub and activities that this season brings to us. Before you know it, you are deep in pain and not sure where or how to get out of it. It is ok. I have wonderful friends to share this holiday season with. A friends new baby to spoil(good to have baby therapy every once in a while) and snuggle with while everyone else is busy with the "toys". Two beautiful girls who are going to be delighted when Santa comes. It will be decent year, that I am sure!

The week before....

Well, it is exactly one week before Christmas. One week. This time last year, I was still in the fog. Still trying to understand the fact that my husband was gone forever and not coming home. Still grasping at reality and trying to fight for air. Still trying to get my oldest to listen and talk about papa, still fighting, period. This year is a little easier, but more difficult at the same time. I am actually decorating for this year(ok, I have tree up and two decorations out.... not much compared to the whole house being done, the mantle lit up and decorations galore), putting gifts under the tree and shopping before the day before. Last year I did not shop until I got to my parent's house and then, I only did it two days before the holidays. I am getting there, but Joel always did the gift picking, he always got the perfect things and I flubbed a lot. He always did the "meat" cooking on Christmas(we grilled steaks and did all the normal trimmings, no turkery), he did the videoing and picture taking. Things that I don't have time to do, things that I just don't think about doing. Those little details make the holidays so much more difficult. Those little moments make the days longer and more painful. Everyone seems to think that after the first year things get easier, they all the sudden disappear. They don't. They never will. I knew this from when my brother died, but I guess now it is even more present in my life. You find ways to handle the little things that bring the sting to your eyes that tell you that a cry fest is on the way. You find moments that help ease the pain. However, loosing a spouse when you are so young makes you wonder, how long will this last. How long will these "stinging" moments be a part of my life. How long will I worry about how my children will accept this. There are so many questions and doubts. Christmas and this season only brings it to a clearer point for me. I know my love is spending Christmas with Jesus, again. I know he is in heaven and celebrating in a way we can only imagine. I know all these things, however, it does not make it easier. Not today anyways. Not last night and not right now.

Lack of time, or is it sanity

It seems as though I am getting less and less time to sit down and write down my thoughts and feelings these last few months. I do not know if it is lack of time or a lack of sanity at this point. I like to think it is time, but a partof me feels that a tiny bit of in-sanity and poor organization has a lot to do with it! Between moving, being sick, having sick kids and getting ready for christmas(something I am not sure I am ready to handle full throttle yet), there does not seem to be enough time in the day or night. Moving, most of it is done. Not a lot to do but get settled, put the excess in the attic and de-clutter. Going into half the size of a home is tough!! Sick, not fun, not fun. The worse illness I can remember having in a very long time. Flu and strep, all at one time. Nasty, Nasty stuff! Enough said! Sick kids, this is never fun, because you want to just take it away for them, but you can't. I wish I could because Brenna says to me(she is the sick one this week), "mama, I don't want Brenna to be sick, I don't like this at all!" It is cute but so sad at the same time because other than the medicine and lots of hugs and cuddles you can't do a darn thing for them. Christmas........don't know where to start or where to go. Last year was such a damn fog that I don't remember half of it, I think between the crying and the wine, it is all a big blur. I am not sure what feelings are going to attack me and take over, I am not sure how any of this is going to go. I just want my girls to have a great christmas day and enjoy the holiday. I am having a hard time doing the shopping, Joel always loved to pick out the girls gifts. He was good at it too. I am having a hard time putting up the decorations, he hated them because I "cluttered" the house, but always thought it looked very pretty when I was done. It is just plain hard, all of it. I know it will be for a long time, but I have to be able to pull through it for the girls. Of all things, this is what Joel would want. He would want me to get things going so they have fun and enjoy the holiday and the meaning of it. He would not want them not really knowing the full experience of the holiday. WE will get there. Maybe not this year, and maybe not next, but soon. Very soon. This is why I feel so insane, somedays I want to do it and just get it done, others I don't even want to look at it or think about it and just pretend that it is not here. Oh well. Insane or sane, Christmas is here and I can't avoid it.

The balloons

Yesterday the girls and I went to a birthday party and the girls got balloons. As you know we always let balloons go for Joel. When we got home Bren asked me if she could let her balloon go for Joel, I said sure honey that would be really sweet. I am talking to Joel's mom at this time, so she is listening a little and I am repeating what is happening. Bren let's her balloon go and I said, oh honey we should have moved away from the big tree(she was right under a huge oak tree, there was no way this balloon was going to go up through it!). We always say something when we let balloons go and she said, on her own, "I love you papa and I want you to have my ballon, but I know it got struck in the tree. I hope you can get it." It was so sweet, but still so funny. I was proud of her for this, very proud. Faith went out back and let her's go, but she did not want anyone around, so I am not sure what she said, or if she said anything. It kind of made me sad, but at the same time, proud that she wanted that moment to herself.

Brenna's Ornament and Faith and the stocking

Well, I finally bit the huge bullet! I finally put up the christmas tree. I have had a "naked" (that is what the girls call it) christmas tree in my living room since thursday and today I finally put it off and decorated it. The girls had a great time, they loved looking at the decorations, they don't remember a whole lot of me since we did not put one up last year. I put away all of Joel's ornaments, ones that I bought him, ones he really loved, ones with both of our names on it, they were all wrapped back up and put away. I took them out, showed them to the girls, talked about them, came to tears, then would wrap them back up and put them away. I am not ready to have them on the tree and I guess I kind of want to put them away for the girls so they can have them one day when they are older. They thought they were pretty cool and a few of them they asked to put up, so we did. Before we could get to the tree, I could not find my lights, I know where they are now, but not when we wanted them. So we ran up the road to K-mart and bought lights and looked at ornaments. The girls found these soldier ornaments that are in dress uniform, standing on a rock with a flag and an eagle behind it. They found these and started to look at them and push the buttons on them. This was the kicker, the first song was the army song(or navy/marines....) then the next song was, I will be home for Christmas. I stood there and bauled and bauled. I could not get a grip. The girls really wanted one, but we could not find one that was Army, so I said, sorry...we will have to look somewhere else. Not really intending to, I did not know if I could handle that. Then we found one more Army man in dress uniform, Bren begged and begged for it. I had to let her get it because Faith looked at me very matter of factly and said, "Mama does it remind you of someone?" I said yes it does. Then she said, "well then we HAVE to get it!" That was the end of the discussion. So now I have this ornament in my house, on my tree. I know I will become ok with it over time, but it is just so hard when I hear, I will be home for christmas. Then to top it off, Faith found Joel's stocking. I was getting ready to put it away when she said grabbed it from me and said, "No! WE have to hang it mama, please!" So I decided we will hang it over by Joel's flag box and other "proud of my husband" stuff around it(I call it my shrine for Joel). Then we will write letters to Joel and put them in the stocking and on Christmas day we will tie them on balloons and let them go. I think that will be a special tradition we could do for years.