Lack of time, or is it sanity

It seems as though I am getting less and less time to sit down and write down my thoughts and feelings these last few months. I do not know if it is lack of time or a lack of sanity at this point. I like to think it is time, but a partof me feels that a tiny bit of in-sanity and poor organization has a lot to do with it! Between moving, being sick, having sick kids and getting ready for christmas(something I am not sure I am ready to handle full throttle yet), there does not seem to be enough time in the day or night. Moving, most of it is done. Not a lot to do but get settled, put the excess in the attic and de-clutter. Going into half the size of a home is tough!! Sick, not fun, not fun. The worse illness I can remember having in a very long time. Flu and strep, all at one time. Nasty, Nasty stuff! Enough said! Sick kids, this is never fun, because you want to just take it away for them, but you can't. I wish I could because Brenna says to me(she is the sick one this week), "mama, I don't want Brenna to be sick, I don't like this at all!" It is cute but so sad at the same time because other than the medicine and lots of hugs and cuddles you can't do a darn thing for them. Christmas........don't know where to start or where to go. Last year was such a damn fog that I don't remember half of it, I think between the crying and the wine, it is all a big blur. I am not sure what feelings are going to attack me and take over, I am not sure how any of this is going to go. I just want my girls to have a great christmas day and enjoy the holiday. I am having a hard time doing the shopping, Joel always loved to pick out the girls gifts. He was good at it too. I am having a hard time putting up the decorations, he hated them because I "cluttered" the house, but always thought it looked very pretty when I was done. It is just plain hard, all of it. I know it will be for a long time, but I have to be able to pull through it for the girls. Of all things, this is what Joel would want. He would want me to get things going so they have fun and enjoy the holiday and the meaning of it. He would not want them not really knowing the full experience of the holiday. WE will get there. Maybe not this year, and maybe not next, but soon. Very soon. This is why I feel so insane, somedays I want to do it and just get it done, others I don't even want to look at it or think about it and just pretend that it is not here. Oh well. Insane or sane, Christmas is here and I can't avoid it.