The week before....

Well, it is exactly one week before Christmas. One week. This time last year, I was still in the fog. Still trying to understand the fact that my husband was gone forever and not coming home. Still grasping at reality and trying to fight for air. Still trying to get my oldest to listen and talk about papa, still fighting, period. This year is a little easier, but more difficult at the same time. I am actually decorating for this year(ok, I have tree up and two decorations out.... not much compared to the whole house being done, the mantle lit up and decorations galore), putting gifts under the tree and shopping before the day before. Last year I did not shop until I got to my parent's house and then, I only did it two days before the holidays. I am getting there, but Joel always did the gift picking, he always got the perfect things and I flubbed a lot. He always did the "meat" cooking on Christmas(we grilled steaks and did all the normal trimmings, no turkery), he did the videoing and picture taking. Things that I don't have time to do, things that I just don't think about doing. Those little details make the holidays so much more difficult. Those little moments make the days longer and more painful. Everyone seems to think that after the first year things get easier, they all the sudden disappear. They don't. They never will. I knew this from when my brother died, but I guess now it is even more present in my life. You find ways to handle the little things that bring the sting to your eyes that tell you that a cry fest is on the way. You find moments that help ease the pain. However, loosing a spouse when you are so young makes you wonder, how long will this last. How long will these "stinging" moments be a part of my life. How long will I worry about how my children will accept this. There are so many questions and doubts. Christmas and this season only brings it to a clearer point for me. I know my love is spending Christmas with Jesus, again. I know he is in heaven and celebrating in a way we can only imagine. I know all these things, however, it does not make it easier. Not today anyways. Not last night and not right now.