Arlington

Last week, on Feb 15th, I went to Arlington before driving up to NJ to visit K. I met some of Joel's soldiers there, and walked with them and my girls to Joel's gravesite. I could have driven, but something was telling me to walk, to take my time. As we walked, I was looking at all of Arlington, remembering that day on Nov 18th, burying my husband, the walk we we made behind the caison, down from the Chapel at FT Mead, to the gravesite, area 60, #8255. Joel wanted to be buried at Arlington if anything happened to him, this he told me before leaving in January, he wanted to be here, among other hero's and friends......he wanted nothing more than any other soldier there receives, in his eyes, he was just another soldier. As I walked with friends that day, Feb 15th, I remember thinking of the walk, trying to stay as close to the caison as I could, trying to spend those last few moments with my husband. I was not going to walk at first, but as I watched the casket bearers load my husband onto the caison, I thought, I need to be here, I cannot leave him. I was approached by LTC H, he asked if it was ok for him and some other soldiers to make this final walk with Joel, I said absolutely, I am too. He looked at me and just said....do you want the girls with you? (I think...) We got the girls and he carried one of them the whole way.....I remember MG B. asking me if I wanted to slow down at one point, if I wanted to be with the family, there was a large group behind us, about 100 feet or so, I turned and look, and thought, no way....they are to far away from Joel. I politely said, no thank you, I need to be with my husband. I felt a little guilty, but I know I would have felt worse if I was further behind Joel. This moment gave me a lot of closure, a lot of strength and I felt Joel with me, walking. As I walked out to my husbands gravesite, Feb 15th, I remember making that walk just a few months earlier, I could remember the flag draped casket being set on the casket stand, I remember looking at it as if it was a dream....this whole time I felt as though I was in a dream, as though I was reliving an experience all over again, one that I did not want to ever live. That day at Arlington was very good for me and my girls.....as hard as it was and as difficult as it has made some moments since, it was good for me. Seeing Joel's headstone, with his name, his birth and death dates, his highest medals.....it made it so concrete, he is not still in Iraq, he is home, in Arlington, not with us in body, only spirit.....maybe something I was not fully letting myself grasp ahold of. Since that day, I have done a lot of crying, a lot of thinking and praying, a lot of remembering and going through a lot of emotions that before I would not allow myself to experience. As hard as that moment has been for me, for some of my friends to listen to me relive some of these moments and cry and vent....I am greatful for that day, for my friends and those who love and support me and my girls...without them, this would be even more difficult....for me....my girls....my memories.