Awake and Restless

It is 615am and I am wide awake and restless. This is the normal "awake" time for me, but I have been awake since about 4am. Not really sure why, but I have my suspiscions. I woke up at 4, trying to go back to sleep, but I had that uneasy feeling and knew it would be hard. I laid there, finally drifting off, my youngest daughter was in bed with me and I felt her roll over and as she did, I could feel her slip off the bed. She landed on the oldest who was sacked out in her sleeping bag on the floor and whacked her cheek on the side beam of my bed. This was at 445am, so we "bandaid" the owies, cuddled and mama kissed the "hurts" and they drifted back to sleep. It is now 510 and I am awake but I think I started to drift back to sleep, only to wake up 10 minutes later with that feeling of my heart actually going through motions. I cannot explain it, but it is the strangest thing....it is as though you are living an experience and you heart truly feels like it is moving with the motions that you are dreaming or thinking about. I laid there and let the thoughts come back and realized....this is why I am awake. I guess I started or had been all night maybe, dreaming, dreaming about how Joel died. The day I handed bracelets out to the Baker CO soldiers, I heard from a soldier of how the accident happened, alot of details I had not heard before. I found myself reliving those details, as if I was with the convoy that night, hovering over and watching it happen. I don't remember seeing Joel, but I could see the hummvee, see the others moving back to the hummvee, pulling soldiers out. This continues to haunt me as I sit here writing.....why was I thinking that, why was this image running rampant through my mind? I am wondering if it is something that I want more clarity on? If it is something that will continue to haunt me until I ask those questions and get those answers. Maybe I will have to talk to Joel's 1SG and the PL SG that I spoke with....I am not sure. I know I will have the answers in tme. For now, I just hope I find some peace today and can keep moving through this day.