Yet Another Day

Today, the day I was put in the hospital, 5 years ago, making sure Joel had the video camera, the digital camera and our cell phones to make the phone calls after our arrival. I have found myself thinking of this a lot today. I have been avoiding anything to do with Faith's birthday if at all possible. I still have her presents in the car, still need to wrap them, not even wanting to go out and get them. I know the "first" birthday, holiday.....will be hard, this I remember from my brothers passing, but this is so different. I find myself wondering if the next year will be the same, if it will carry the same pain and dread or if it will eventually get a little easier to handle. My mom has assured me that it does, but I keep thinking, "mom, this is so different, this is my husband, the father of my two girls". (no offense mom, I love ya!) I know it will get a little less painful and I will find ways to move through it, but right now it seems kind of bleak. I just have to keep holding onto the thought that Joel will be with me tomorrow, Friday as I celebrate my 29th birthday, as we attend the dedication in Omaha, and all the other events to come in the next 3 months. I know he will be with me and I need to keep praying to God to have the strength and his guidance to get me through those most difficult days. It is just hard to do sometimes, you would rather just shut down and not do it. I know I can't, these girls are counting on me to keep moving and keep going for them and that I have to do. So I am praying for strength tomorrow and in the next few days. To give me the strength to do these things, make it through the days and keep strong in the hardest moments.