Chasing or Running Away?

As I sit here, trying to get myself ready for the day and my girls ready for school, I am contemplating why I started running again. When I started college, I found a love for running, and when my brother passed 8 1/2 years ago, I ran my tail off, it was an outlet. So now, 3 1/2 months after my husbands death, I find myself running again. I joined a gym, find myself going every morning lately and running as long as I can. It is difficult to keep myself going at times. I find myself fighting off moments of utter breakdown as I am pushing for the first 10 minutes or the last 10 minutes. The first day I ran, Tuesday, I had so many moments of "loosing" it. It could have been a song that came on, seeing a soldier and their spouse, seeing a picture of an Iraqi who is responsible for something new in Iraq, and getting angry. Every time those moments would come, I would feel it first in my heart, that achy pain, then my shoulders would start to ache and shake and move all the way down to the pit of my stomach, and I know I am about to have that break down that brings you to your knees, that makes you want to beat the wall or door in front of you or shake the life out of the legs standing in front of you. I have found a way to move through that, I think, I push harder on the treadmill or eliptical, I go faster, grab my KIA bracelet off of my wrist and hold onto it like someone is trying to snatch it out of my hand. I do not know if I am chasing memories, not wanting them to get away from me or if I am trying to run away from the pain and fear. As I start to feel the pain decrease and the moment of a huge breakdown pass, I start to slow down a little, I start to ease my grip on my husbands bracelet, and find myself rubbing the front of the bracelet, feeling the imprint of his name. You would think that would make me loose it all over again, but I know he is with me, I know he is giving me the strength to get through this day and keep moving. I ask him and God for strength daily and especially in those moments when I feel as though everything is coming down around me again. I am sure that the people at the gym think I am a little "crazy", or they are wondering.....what in the world is wrong with her, she is always crying. I guess I am not to worried about it, they can think what they want. This morning, as I gave the girls breakfast, they both wanted to pray, I was praying for strength to get through the day, my run, and have a good day. Faith wanted to pray for Maxwell, or golden retreiver, that he is healthy and does not run away. Brenna wanted to pray for Max as well, but she took it one step further and it broke my heart. She wanted to pray to Papa, she wanted to ask him for a kiss......how do you tel her that she can't have one again? How in the hell do you explain that to a three year old!!! All I could think to say was, Bren, you need to close your eyes, open your heart and really listen for papa. He may not be able to kiss you, but you will hear him and if he can, you will feel him kiss you on your cheek, head or neck. Is that right? Am I giving her false hope? I just want to make sure they both know even though he is not here, he is always with them in spirit. I know that will make more sense as they get older, but for now, how in the heck do I explain all of this to them, how do I keep them strong too? I wish I had a book of instructions to follow, it sure as hell would make this a little easier, but as we all know, life does not have an instruction book, if it did, we would all be living a little different life, wouldn't we?