Dreams

Since all of this has happened, I have had quite a few dreams of Joel, but only two right now that I remember involving him and what he looks like after his injuries. I am not sure what to make of this. This morning I woke up after another dream, wishing I could finish it, wishing I could know why I was having that dream, almost wishing it was real. The dream I had quite a few weeks ago involved me going to this place, with very long steps. I went to the desk and asked the man for CPT Joel Cahill, he said one moment. I remeber witin, the man comes down, and said Joel will be down in a few moments. I see my husband walking down these long steps. He is wearing his DCU's and his Kevlar. I looked at him, his face had a huge scar from the corner of his right lip up near his ear, it made him talk out of the left side of his mouth. I remember thinking, I just want to hold him. Then I saw the back of his head, the kevlar and part of his head was missing. I remember saying, I miss you so much, when are you coming home? Why didn't you come home? I remember him telling me I love you, but I am not ok, things are not right. I remember hugging for a long time, just wanting to hold him and never let go. Then he asked for the girls, I pointed to them playing in another room, and asked if he wanted to see them, he said, I don't want to scare them, but I get to see them everyday where I am now. I woke up, I remember wishing I had finished that dream, I remember wishing I knew what it meant. I remember being scared that I would forever remember that image of him, and it is not the way I want to remember him. This morning my dream was very different. I can't quite explain it, but I think I have an idea. This morning my dream was about the day I handed KIA bracelets with Joel's name on them out to the company. I was standing in front of the soldiers, talking, trying not to cry and telling them about how Joel felt about the CO, why he stayed in the Army and how being a CO made one of his dreams come true. I was looking out at the soldiers, making eye contact with a few, then in the back of the room, I made contact with this soldier who was still wearing his kevlar, I looked into his eyes and I knew it was Joel, I saw the scar on his cheek, I saw him whispering and the words were coming out of the left side of his mouth. I do not know what he was whispering, there was not anyone else looking at him, nobody knew he was there, but me. Then I woke up. As I have thought about it, I wonder if this was another sign from Joel, that he was telling me that he was with me that day, that he is always with me, especially on these hard days. I guess this dream came at the right time, I have been feeling very alone right now, I have a few more hard days coming and I don't want to face them. Faith's birthday, my birthday, Joel's dedication at our ROTC Building from CU, a dedication here at Benning, another trip to Arlington for Memorial day.......moments I would rather have him by my side for....but if that were the case, I would not even be facing these moments. I am thankful for these dreams, as hard as they are, as tough as they seem at times, I know that maybe in some way, clarity will be given to me through these dreams. I cannot understand everything right now, I wish to God I could. I still wish I had an instruction manual on how everything was supposed to be right now......it sure would make this easier, but life lessons are not supposed to be easy are they?