Memories

As I took my girls to school today, I really thought hard about what Bren said, "pray for a kiss". It struck me hard and I keep thinking, something as simple as a kiss, damn it I wish I could do that for her, I wish it was that simple! Both girls had a hate love relationship about the kisses their papa would smother them with. It started with Faith, when she was a newborn, I was holding her in the kitchen in our home in Clarksville, TN and I had her laying flat so Joel could kiss her head, he kissed her nose first, her forehead, her cheeks, lips, then finally her tiny chin, as he was kissing her chin, she latched onto his nose and started sucking furiously! It was so funny, he laughed and kissed her some more and could not stop saying how much he loved that little girl. It was a sweet moment for us, the first night we had brought her home from the hospital, March 4th. That routine of kissing carried on throughout infancy for both of the girls and as they would get older, the kisses covered more, like their neck, arms...and he would always tickle them with his little "itch fuzz" as the girls called and they would love it, the loved being smothered in kisses by their papa. As infants they would kick their little feet, wave their arms and open their little mouth and squeal, Joel would then take that time to kiss all over their face, he loved their big open mouth kisses as babies. As toddlers, I can remember all of this so vividly, he would become the kiss monster, it always started out with a tickle and evolved into massive kissing fights. Sometimes the girls would kiss him back, all over, other times they would fight him off. Faith being more patient and being "papa's girl" would fight him off, and always want him to come back and give her more. Brenna on the other hand, she is my independant strong willed girl(god help me!), she would truly take it for a few mintues and then damn it!, she had it! Enough papa!! She would kick scream and run away, sometimes just screaming. It is so funny, he loved irritating her a little because she was always so dramatic. I would sit there and watch all of this happen, while they were playing on the floor, outside, getting into bed(which irritated the hell out of me!), or taking baths. Their was not a moment that these kissing and tickle sessions could not happen. The one that stands out in my mind the most is while he was home on R and R, they were in our family room, the girls were tackeling papa and he was trying his best to get his girls and smother them, but the girls had a helper this time, Max was standing over Joel's head and licking him, letting the girls win. It was hysterical, and I got some good shots of it, now one of those pictures sits in these little pillows I bought for the girls weeks before Joel passed, they are red, white, and blue and they say My Hero on it and have a place for a picture. It breaks my heart to know we will change that picture to older ones as they grown. As I was running all of this through my head at the gym, running faster and harder at times, I saw this couple looking at my sweat shirt, then I noticed he was wearing and UNL t-shirt. I just grabbed an old sweat shirt out of the closet, it was a UNL sweatshirt I had bought for Joel on our first christmas, but it shrank and subsequently became mine for the most part, he still wore it, but he loved his sweat shirts to be huge, it became one of the only ones that I could the following christmas as my belly grew to points beyond normal with Faith. I guess I wear it with love and memories now. I stopped running to ask this man and his wife if they were from NE, sure enough and he went to school at UNL, he is a PL for 2/69. They asked if I was here with the Army, I said well......yes, my husband was stationed here but he was KIA this year. Both of them had tear filled eyes when he asked me what unit? I told him, 3rd BDE, 1-15, Baker CO. He looked at me, his eyes about to spill over and he said, CPT Cahill? I could not speak, I was starting to sob, trying hard not to and I just nodded. He said, my CO spoke of him a lot, I knew him. He was a great man. I wanted to yell, yes!yes!yes!!!! he was but damn it, he is gone! I was bauling hysterically now, everyone is looking at me and I am ready to throw my KIA bracelet at them and tell them to read it and put a wife and family with the name! I just jumped on the treadmill and turn it up, I think I was going over 8 miles an hour, I felt like I was going to fly off, but I could not stop, I just kept going.......I felt like Forrest Gump for a while. Finally the moment passed, I slowed down, the lady next to me, patted me on the shoulder a few times, she may have talked to me, but my iPod was so loud I could not hear anything. I got through it, albeit 8 moments of trying not to loose it completly. I know they will lessen someday and somedays I will have more. I just know I need to keep praying for strength to get through this and know that when I want to yell I quite and my inner Mary is trying to run away, I need to draw on God and Joel to pull me through. Everyone says God will never give you more than you can handle....I beleive that....but damn it, I feel like I am at the breaking point somedays! Is that supposed to happen!? I will survive, this I know. I have two beautiful little girls that need me to get through this, as strong as I can, for myself and for them.